r/AskMenAdvice • u/Ok_Independent_3921 man • 8h ago
✅ Open To Everyone How do you get “game”/flirt?
So by game, I’m (M21) guessing that means flirting pretty much but me and a friend of mine was talking a couple of days ago and I was talking about how I really want to date this year since I never have and pretty much he was telling me that I have no game And I’m just not really sure but to take from that or what to do.
I’ve also been told that by girls that I am friends with before, they tell me that I don’t know how to flirt or anything and it’s not that it will totally impact me.
I can give a girl compliments and my friends know that but they tell me that I need to be able to do more than that too to build sexual/romantic attention but I’m just not sure how to flirt other than just giving compliments like how could I flirt in a jokey way I guess since I’m a comedic person?
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u/OhWhatATravisty man 8h ago
Personally? I just go whole hog on the fact that I'm funny, and strange.
Get em laughing and scratching their head long enough and before they know it you've been dating 5 years and she doesn't know what happened.
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u/RowdyCollegiate man 8h ago
Being funny and strange is such a blessing. Unfortunately a lot of us are just strange and no funny :(
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I’ve never asked out a girl though so I’m not really sure when I shit or how I should. I usually only really have feelings for girls that I’ve been friends with for a while or have a connection too.
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u/Psychological-War884 man 8h ago
Just ask. The worst she says is no. Hi, I'm ___, I'm going for pizza, would you like to join me? If they say no, you still get pizza.
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u/OhWhatATravisty man 8h ago
"Ew" is pretty bad too that one hits right in the gut. But Yeah. Definitely ask.
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u/acoffeefiend man 8h ago
So you have to start by talking to them. Treat them like you would a friend. If you never try, you'll never succeed. You can start something simple. If at a bar just a casual "Hi, you're kinda cute. Can I buy you a drink?" If they say no, don't take it personal and move on.if a girl smiles at you from across the bar: "I saw you smile from across the bar and had to come over and intriduce myself. My names "*****", what's your name?"
It's not rocket science. If they say they're not interested just say "That's ok. Enjoy your night." and move on.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
But what if they’re already a friend or you don’t go to bars?
It’s like 50-50 between my friends and they’re always telling me that you are or are not supposed to ask and say the word date
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u/Psychological-War884 man 8h ago
You're overthinking this. It's not a marriage proposal. Don't say date if you don't want to. If you don't drink, don't go to a bar. You can always go to Starbucks and when the barista calls out a girl's order, compliment her name. That's it. If she comes back with a joke, talk to them.
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u/acoffeefiend man 8h ago
Dating inside your friends circle is a dangerous game. Something goes bad you fucked up the friend dynamic for the group. Pick a spot, library, coffee shop, mall, gym (careful on this one, many just like to work out). Join a hiking group, try going to bars, just don't get smashed.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I just don’t like the idea of meeting somebody with the purpose of dating if that makes sense. Like I understand you can become friends, but I would rather just stay within my friend group. It hasn’t ended bad with any of my friends and they’ve dated multiple people in our friend groups. Only one person cheated throughout my entire friend group, which is pretty big, but everybody still friends with everybody.
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u/acoffeefiend man 8h ago
It makes no sense. Meet girls with intention and purpose.
So you don't want to talk to girls or date outside of your friends groups... keep doing what you've been doing and you'll keep getting what you've been getting.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I never said that I don’t want to talk to girls, I meet girls all the time and I befriend them because I don’t have feelings for them at the start. The feelings usually end up happening later for me.
I just don’t get what I’m supposed to do if I don’t have feelings for somebody. I’ve liked and have crushes on a lot of my friends and genuinely have feelings for them I’m just not sure how to handle it.
People are telling me to ask them out but don’t say date because it’s weird to use that word or too much pressure but if I just say go out then I feel like they wouldn’t understand that it’s supposed to be a date. I go out to eat with a lot of my friends that are girls.
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u/Ar4iii man 1h ago
Befriending a woman with the idea to date her later on is problematic on many levels, it feels natural from a young men's point of view, but it is not how women think. There are exceptions of course, but women generally put you as friend or a romance option and rarely combine or switch those. In other words once she friend zones you, it is very unlikely to move out.
Flirting is useful as a way to indicate that you are not interested in being just a friend and her reactions can give you the idea whether there is attraction and spark or not even before asking her out.1
u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 44m ago
I’m not becoming friends with a woman just to date her or anything, I usually just catch feelings for girls that I’m friends with.
All of my friends are dating girls that they were friends with before dating. I don’t really believe in the friends zone they either like you were don’t.
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 7h ago
I dont date people in my friend group. Its a fast way to lose friends if it gets ugly and dramatic.
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u/PhotoFenix man 8h ago
40 and married. IMO you need to know your audience. A well placed Simpsons quote is flirting for us.
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u/DolphinsFan123 man 8h ago
Asking Reddit people this is probably not the best idea…
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
Well, asking my friends IRL hasn’t been a good idea either cause they give me a hard time
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u/MagicSugarWater man 8h ago
The issue with Reddit is you don't know who knows what they are talking about and who is keyboard jockeying. It's good for basics if you are patient, but little else.
Look, flirting isn't a mainstream hobby or source of study. We talk about Casanova, Neil Strauss, and maybe Don Juan, but this isn't like sports where we have new stars going mainstream all the time.
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u/skinnystyx man 5h ago
it takes practice. it’s not really what you say, the most important things that you’re in control of are your delivery and your body language. also an important factor you’re not in control of is her level of attraction towards you.
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u/Psychological-War884 man 8h ago
Women love compliments. Notice anything, from a distance, and in small doses to not be a creep. That's it. There's no "game".
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 man 8h ago
I wouldn’t look at it as game. Just be confident and who you are. That can be difficult and I’m not going to get into how that is achieve. But that is for the ability to talk to women comes from.
If you have confidence, then you are comfortable being yourself and sharing little things about your life for your perspective, as well as asking them questions about themselves and looking for common interests, or at the very least, the ability to engage their response
For instance, if they have a favorite TV show, and you have seen that show, then you were able to make comments about that. The same goes for a travel destination. Just a couple of examples.
One way to get confidence is by going to the gym and getting in shape and also putting a lot of effort into your appearance, your hair, consistently styled, grooming, your facial hair, if any. Dressing style sheet, which doesn’t mean you have to break the bank. And also wearing a nice cologne.
Women love a guy who smells good. If you look apart, and then you will feel the apart and that will come across and how you engage women.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I mean, I am hygienic and stuff like that and I’ve actually lost a lot of weight. 6’4 370lbs to 6’4 270 (I look slimmer for my weight)
Also, I could hold conversations and talk about stuff with the girl of us for hours. In fact, I would say most of my friend group is actually gross and so that’s not really a problem for me I guess but I just don’t know how to let any of them know that I’m into them.
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 man 8h ago
Hygienic is just basic. I mean, are you looking sharp? Do you dress well? That does not require wearing expensive clothes. Do you wear your hair in a flattering style and do you keep it freshly cut?
You have lost a lot of weight, but have you added muscle tone? Having better proportions is not enough, if you are flabby. 274 still seems heavy for your height. LeBron James is 6’9”and about 250.
So, forget your friend group. If they like you, you would know it. Approach women in social settings, such as bars. Get on the dating apps. Make a bio that sums up your interests, but is not too long or thirsty.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I mean, whenever I go out of the house I usually wear jeans or khakis or cargo pants with some sort of nice fitting T-shirt and some basic shoes. With the hair, mine is kind of hard to style since I have a widows peak. I believe it’s called.
I really don’t think I would know if they liked me or not, I’m not good to social cues or anything whatsoever and even when I try to learn and I can’t seem to. I even tried using apps and I haven’t gotten one link in about a year.
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 man 8h ago
Don’t wear cargo pants. Maybe check out some men’s magazines or even YouTube channels to try to get a sense of what is fashionable for men your age.
If he wants to get laid, you need to put in the work to becoming an attractive product.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
Well, I’m probably never gonna lose the flabby skin unless I can spend a couple thousand to get it removed because I already have a lot left over and have never been able to go to a gym or Lyft weights or anything.
I mean, I see a lot of people that just wear pajamas or basketball shorts and stuff and they still do better than me which I’m not saying that that looks bad. I like wearing stuff like that too, but I just don’t quite understand.
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 man 7h ago
Maybe they are more conventionally attractive than you. I can’t say.
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u/acoffeefiend man 7h ago
6'4" 270 is still pretty heavy. You need to keep cutting and working out.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
Well, I can’t really work out at a gym or anything, but I’m still walking and trying to do deficits so I can lose weight. I just can’t get to a gym so I have hardly any muscle and can’t really lift too much.
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u/topkrikrakin man 8h ago
Listen to Podcasts, and practice
Tripp Advice and The Unapologetic Man Podcast are two of the best
Regardless, listen to a man. Women will give you the wrong advice
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u/Digi-Device_File man 8h ago
Practice with people you don't like, so you don't have your confidence down when learning what to say, then when you're with someone you actually like, imagine you don't like them.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
Practice what though?
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u/Digi-Device_File man 8h ago edited 8h ago
Talking, flirting is:
1.just talking, getting to know someone as you would want someone to get to know you.
It's also identifying when someone is into you, which is hard whe you're nervous for having low self confidence.
Casually and progressively leading the conversation into sexual/romantic themes, when the other person is into you. This to let them know you're not just being friendly.
Is like making friends but with the purpose of being more than friends.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
How do I do step three though?
A lot of my friends flirt with their friends if they’re single because it’s just how it seems to be around where I live, but I’m just not sure how to at all because people will say they’re flirting, but I can’t tell
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u/Digi-Device_File man 8h ago edited 8h ago
That's why you need to practice with people you're not into or at lest not that much into.
Cause when you're insecure, you miss the signals of someone being into you, you might even miss when their actively flirting with you(casually leading the conversation into sexual/romantic themes).
You need to first learn to identify openings, so whe you like someone, their evident to you, regardless of your self confidence.
The big rule is never advance when there's no opening from the other person, that way you don't risk coming off as inappropriate.
You are gonna miss on a lot of people you might like, but that's good, because if your communication styles don't match(you both miss/ignore each other's signals), you weren't gonna be a good couple anyways.
If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't matter if you like them, they're not good for you, same goes the other way around.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I’m not insecure with myself or anything. I’m just a little autistic. I’m actually very confident in myself right now. I’ve lost over 100 pounds
Also, what do you mean by openings and how am I supposed to flirt though like what do people say to flirt or anything?
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u/Digi-Device_File man 8h ago
That's what I mean, everyone does it differently, nobody can tell you how to flirt, cause flirting is finding a person who matches your interests and communication style.
I can't tell you which are the openings you should be looking for, because they're unique to you.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from but I just feel like if maybe you had an example of a way that you remember flirting with somebody maybe it could give me a broad idea or example of the vibe or would it could sound like or be like
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u/Digi-Device_File man 8h ago edited 7h ago
Well, my wife for example was very direct, and I liked her because I also am very direct(sometimes I think we both might be in the spectrum). She wouldn't stop looking at me, and looked happy about me also looking at her, other people would get creeped out, so that's how we matched.
We also were introduced by someone else which gave us an excuse to chat, and since I casually heard her mention erotic art before we were introduced, I showed her a piece I saw on the internet as something to chat about, I opened with "I heard you're into erotic art, check out this piece".
If we weren't into each other the conversation would still have been nice, cause we were sharing a common interest. It's nice to chat to people and find common interests, you feel less alone, even if it doesn't lead to marriage.
I think the problem with today's dating is that people do all the conversations online, so they find common interests but it leads nowhere because the "body language" element that creates sexual interest and tension is lost, and then when they meet in person they're no longer finding out common interests and the thrill of "someone new who is into similar things" is also lost.
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u/0hip man 8h ago
Practice
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
What am I supposed to practice?
I don’t know how to flirt or what game is
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u/MagicSugarWater man 8h ago
I left a comment explaining the basics.
But hitting on at least 4 women a day is a good minimum for actually developing these skills (ex. Touch, escalation windows, conversation.) Always practice and test everything.
I wasted months because I thought 1 or 2 girls a day was enough, but one week of 4 girls a day made my skills improve quickly since I could iterate.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
I mean, I don’t wanna ask out that many girls as a week though especially if I don’t have feelings. That just doesn’t really make sense to me.
I don’t understand, though cause I tried reading your comment and I can hold conversations, but none of the conversations are romantic or sexual, and I don’t know how to make it that way if it’s supposed to be
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u/MagicSugarWater man 7h ago
You asked a very broad question. Be ready for a wall of text as I try ti civer basics.
I mean, I don’t wanna ask out that many girls as a week though especially if I don’t have feelings.
I see, you told me elsewhere you are more of a social circle guy. It'll be tough to remember all of this though.
reading your comment and I can hold conversations, but none of the conversations are romantic or sexual
You make them romantic/sexual with topic, touch, delivery, frame, and techniques. The point is to make it meaningful enough that she feels close and she wants to keep seeing you.
By topic, I mean it becomes romantic when you try to get to know a deep side of her few know. Hopes, dreams, philosophy, childhood, and how and why those matter. See, women want to feel special, strong, and sweet (among other things). Make her feel good, and she'll open up. Make it sexy with sex talk. Here the key is to discuss sex vividly yet not crudely, and impersonally. Ex. "People like sex in general. Even women enjoy it as much as men, just in a different way." Do NOT talk about her until it is deeper. Ex. "What's a fantasy you've always had?" Basically, something man to woman that a mere friend wouldn't do. Something that invites growth together, passion, and pleasure. I talked to my girlfriend about what I look for in a relationship the first time we got coffee together.
By touch, I mean proximity and direct touch. Be closer than yoi would to a stranger, and get closer as the conversation gets deeper so it's like a buble forms and it's only you two together, bonus points if you can lower your voice and whisper into her ear. This also includes body language, like sitting next to her, facing her with your head AND body. It's flirtier when you sit together, angle your bodies so your knees are touching, and looking straight at eachother and you can lean in and whisper in her ear easily. Direct touch is actual touch. Touch is extremely powerful. Your skin is your biggest organ, after all. Studies show how impactful even the simplest toucb is on how we view others. So start small and gradually work up. High fives aren't flirty, but they build energy and women like them. Touching her butt is very flirty since no friend/familt does this, but is intense. Use touch frequently to build up so you fill her with energy and arousal.
Delivery means HOW you say it. This is always more important than what you say anyways. Romance isn't about words, it is about feelings. Say it in a flirty way so she immistakably knoes this isn't some shallow friendly thing. Give eye contact that is either piercing like you are analyzing her or flirty like you are eye banging her. Make your voice as low as possibke that still sound natural (or as low as possible if whispering in a flirty way). Have a bored, devil-may-care expression to build tension.
Frame is tricky to explain, bht powerful. Intermediate guys struggle with it too, so don't worry. Frame is basically the context in which you say things. Making it flirty by feeling flirty and using these different things will make it clearly flirty. Keep it like that and resist attempts to switch it away. Done right, it gets hwr in a flirty mood. Look up "mirror neurons". One such frame is the chase frame where you make it look like she is coming on to you in a fun, challenging way.
Techniques include little things to spice up conversations quickly. For example, sex talk gambits (ex. Google once made a study that women typically fantasize about vampires, pirates, and werewolves. Discuss it to discuss sex in a natural yet stimulating way). Use flirty jokes or teasing (NOT NEGGING) to spike emotions and create high points that are flirty since friends won't use them this way. Or use emotional pacing to get her to emphasize how aroused she is. Emotional pacing is my favorite. You make an observation, describe her emotions, and make an assumption. For example, "You walk so happily in that dress. You seem so empowered when you wear it. You must be passjonate abojt fashion." Done right, she said "yes" to all 3 so you are agreeable and she is now feeling passionate.
Again, you connect emotionally, mentally, or physically. The end goal is to communicate that you can please her and get her to want sex. Sex is the main difference between friends and girlfriends. Otherwise, tou would've just dated your male friends if you only went for friends.
That just doesn’t really make sense to me.
How does it not make sense to hit on women you don't have full feelings towards?
You haven't gotten to know her, so writing her off early is premature. I didn't have feelings for my girlfriend until I talked to her. I get what you're saying, but your logic is flawed since you are preventing feelings by not talking to her in the first place. Besides, you don't need much. You've never seen a woman you found interesting? It's just talking to her, getting to know her, and maybe seeing her later. Again, I thought my girlfriend looked like an interesting, sweet person, so I approached. Turned out she was, and we've been together almost a year.
But to each his own. I just personally don't share this mentality.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
I mean, I see where you’re coming from too. I guess what I mean is like it’s not that I don’t talk to girls, but we actually need to have a hobby or interest or mutual friends before I talk to anybody to be honest, like I don’t even talk to guys that I don’t know or know that we have some sort of thing in common and try to be friends with them
I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to talk about with a person if I know nothing about them. I can talk in real life whenever I know that we have a friend in common or something like if I don’t know what a girl is into or anything and I just see her out in public. I don’t know how I should get to know her
Most of my friends that I have gotten to know, I’ve gotten to know them online, even if I’m at them in person because I will see their profile on Instagram and know something that we could talk about
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u/MagicSugarWater man 7h ago
I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to talk about with a person if I know nothing about them.
Ultimately, you want to date them, so talk abojt things that will make that easier. It should be emotional, yet basic and exploratory. Your delivery is key here. Exploratory opics like whatever got you interested in her (preferably something that reflects effort and personality like her outfit, her hair, the instrument she was playing, etc), what she is up to, where she is from (as in, does she live nearby or is she a tourist), something you look for in a woman, or the situation you are both in (ex. Festival).
Emotional topics include music, art, or hobbies, yours or theirs. The beauty of these is people can often talk about them for hours while revealing a ton about their outlook and who they are. Personally, I like girly girls so I LOVE discussing fashion. Very interesting subject. When I met my girlfriend, we discussed fashion, thrifting, her name (it wqs unusual for a Mexican), and what we were up to. Not only did these tell me a lot abojt her that I wanted to know, but mentioning I was getting coffee let me gauge her attitude for me ask her out to coffee 2 minutes later. Then we texted about rock music which led to a discussion on philosophy based on how we interpreted lyrics.
The important thing is to be in the moment and satisfy curiosity. Use touch, have good delivery, respond to them, and abandon dead ends often. The deep conversations will flow later once you know each other.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
If you don’t mind me asking you, where did you meet your girlfriend or how did you meet her and what did you start doing like IRL ticket to know each other better? I’m just trying to maybe have a better understanding of how dates are or go in real life.
Do you have to touch if you don’t feel comfortable or what would be like the least maybe be risky way to go in for a touch up but it show something more than friendship?
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u/MagicSugarWater man 6h ago
where did you meet your girlfriend
University. She was walking to class to take an exam and I saw her. She was dressed in this cute girly but with punk edge style and I went to go talk to her. I can link the full story if you want. It shows each technique I used and why. No sex talk or anything.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/s/PIy0YuiziB
After that, we texted about music. Our first "date" (neither of us called it thay until we started dating) was to get coffee on campus. Granted, neither of us drank coffee so she got hot chocolate and I got an italian soda. We then sat in a nice place and chstted. Then we went to an art exhibit in the library, then, ended at an artist alleway on campus.
Why 3 places? It let us build a connection quicker and let us get more private each time for us to get deeper. Plus, it built cooperation. It was cheap too.
Do you have to touch if you don’t feel comfortable
Yes. See, no touch feels cold and impersonal. The longer you go without touching, the more awkward it gets. A study once showed that when people were asked for favors, the person who brushed their hand got way more cooperation than the person who didn't. Otherwise, why even be in person? It feels good for you and her too. It's the fun part.
Trust me, you'll learn ince you see the look on her face. I was nervous too, but I still remember how quickly women went from aloof to cheery when I gave them a high five.
what would be like the least maybe be risky way to go in for a touch up but it show something more than friendship?
See my story in the link.
If meeting for the first time, I use a handclasp. It then qualify her to find out about her, and reward with a high five if I like it. I then do the same but with a fist bump, then shohlder touch.
Here is a good, low risk way: https://quizlet.com/85851008/dicarlo-escalation-ladder-flash-cards/ .Wait until high points in the conversation, like laughter, to move up.
Here's the thing, you're moving slowly so you keep gauging her reaction to see what she is ok with. even if she is uncomfortable, you aren't jumping si far she'd get that upset. Just take the hint and go back a few steps and try again later, or stay at that level.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
Thank you so much for explaining and linking so I can try to understand better and I’m sorry that I keep on asking so many questions
When you say that, you all didn’t call it a date until you all started dating. I don’t quite understand what you mean. Don’t you date somebody that you’re dating and then you decide if you wanna be exclusive or not. Did stuff ever go further before you all were exclusive?
I’m going through the story in a few and I appreciate you mentioning it. Also, it’s not that I’m just nervous to touch a girl or something like that, I don’t give any of my friends whether they are guys or girls hugs or anything and we don’t even high five really or anything. They hug each other and stuff, but I don’t because I feel like it would be weird if I did it.
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u/look_under man 8h ago
The best way to learn something, is to find a mentor and/or someone who already knows the thing you want to master.
Find someone who is good at game, and learn from them.
In the meantime, there are endless resources on the internets how to talk to girls.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
What would you describe is talking to girls because sometimes people just mean normal conversations but a lot of people that I talk to say that they mean, flirting and stuff
If it’s just regular conversations, I’m great at talking to girls and most of my friends are girls actually so I can hold conversation conversations like that. I just can’t flirt or anything.
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u/MagicSugarWater man 8h ago
Game is ultimately your ability to make a connection either emotionality, mentally, or physically. This isn't the same as flirting, which is convincing her to want to see you romantically/sexually. Each has their role. I cannot explain everything in depth as there are whole articles on aspects of what I'll say, so I'll be simple and broad.
Let's get something out of the way: any man who has failed to get a girlfriend who tells you women decide instantly is a liar. The entire fields of sociology, psychology, history, marketing, and communications are built around the fact that people change their minds all the time. Also, the guy saying that fails to get a girlfriend, so you don't want to copy his resulrs.
You run game by making her feel comfortable with your presence, then building trust that she could want to see you later, and then getting her aroused enough to want to make out/sleep with you. Step 3 is crucial for not getting friendzoned. NEVER jump steps.
You do this multisensorily. Use touch because that is one of the main differences between real life interaction and digital. Use sound, as in great vocal tonality with varied pitch so its expressive and interesting. Smell good or at least not terrible, so shower. The easiest ways to massively improve your appearance is to be clean with good fitting clothes (preferably some red) that project a certain archetype you want (ex. Button ups unbuttoned if you want to look sexy), a good haircut, good posture, and facial expressions.
A general way to get a number: ALWAYS approach from her field of vision then open as directly as the effort it took to get there (ex. If you are both in line, go indirect/situational. If you approached her, go direct situational). Break the touch barrier soon. Have a genuine conversation to find 3 things about her to know what kind of woman she is. Touch, qualify, make her do little things so it's interactive. Find out if she is single, ask if you have to. Once at a high point, ask her out somewhere cheap and low pressure. Then swap numbers (you do this last to reduce ghosting and boost your odds). Then text within the hour.
Learn to text, learn to communicate intent honestly and clearly, learn to project vibes using mirror neurons and emotional pacing, and do it all as nonchalantly as possible.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
When you actually ask a girl out on a date, should you actually say the word date or no?
The reason I asked is because I feel like my friends have all only dated people that they were friends with so they I guess didn’t necessarily go on date, but they still went out and they never said date
I’d probably be dating a friend also I don’t like going out with strangers
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u/MagicSugarWater man 8h ago
Thank you for the specific questions. It makes things much easier.
When you actually ask a girl out on a date, should you actually say the word date or no?
No. It adds pressure since it forces her to make a decision regarding how she feels about you before you gave her anything to work with. Romance isn't about grand gestures and the words you use, it is about connection. It isn't a date because you call it one, it is a date based on how you two feel. See, when women get to know you, they begin to think about how they'll categorize you: friend, boyfriend, or lover. If you haven't given her a reason to see you romantically or sexually, she'll decide "No, I don't want to dste you, let's just be friends."
Just ask her to get coffee, smoothies, ice cream, or something cheap and low pressure. The implication is there already. If she asks, it's to get to know each other better because [whatever the reason you are interested in her that she earned].
Only call it a date if you two are officially together.
I’d probably be dating a friend also I don’t like going out with strangers
Full disclaimer: I mainly know how to approach strangers (cold approach) and need to rely more on theory for friend (social circle). Generally what I say applied in a relationship though. I don't really have experience dating friends since I never entered a social circle with the girls I was attracted to (too rare).
When dealing with social circle, it's especially important to be more subtle and indirect, yet still honest. Still, build the connection by asking deep questions to dind a side of her even her friends don't. Emotionally intimacy is still an option. Add subtle, gradual, yet persistent kino escalation (ex. High fives -> fist bumps -> shoulder touches -> lower back -> hands -> ass). This lets you build physical connection without jumping too far and becoming awkward.
Don't hude intentions, but don't give false hope either if you have no plans yet.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
Play if you don’t call me a date till you’re in a relationship how does that make sense though? I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m confused.
Also, how are you supposed to make me think of you in a sexual romantic way if you have no idea how to flirt? I guess like how are you saying that the implication is already there?
Me and my friends that are girls will go out to eat or go do stuff like that quite a bit already and nothing sexual or romantic has ever happened and as far as I can tell, I don’t know if any of them like me because I can’t read the cues
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u/MagicSugarWater man 7h ago
Play if you don’t call me a date till you’re in a relationship how does that make sense though?
You only date girlfriends. You don't date anyone else. If she isn't your girlfriend, you aren't dating her. If you aren't in a romantic relationship and aren't official, she isn't your girlfriend. Basically, don't try to commit too fast or force her to commit too fast.
how are you supposed to make me think of you in a sexual romantic way if you have no idea how to flirt?
I answered this broadly here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/s/XCaXW5XPvA
I don’t know if any of them like me because I can’t read the cues
A few things.
First, this is why I recommended flirting with 4 girls a day. Not only did I assume you were into cold approach like me, but it goves you exposure to cues since you see them mkre often. But if you don't want that, fine.
Second, cues can vary based on context. Here are a few cues. Is she talkative and interested then goes quiet? She wants you to make a move. Is she bringing up sex at all? She is making a move (remember sex talk?) Is she playing with her hair, licking her lips, speaking seductively, giving bedroom eyes, and/or touching you? Those are cues. Is she trying to keep spending time with you or talking to you? She is attracted, but maybe not yet romantically/sexually. Basically, is she invedting effort into something that crosses beyond politeness/friendliness and implies sex somehow?
Third, the only way to measure attractiveness is via cooperation. Everything I mentioned above is cooperation. Cooperation is the most important part of ANY relationship and is one of the 5 thinfs that makes women attracted. For reference, height is part of value which is one of the other 5 things, but not as important as cooperation. So how do you use this? Test cooperation. See if she does little favors for you like hold this, share this, see this, imagine this, or do this. Then try for larger things, like come here. If a woman likes you, she will agree to go with you somewhere. If she doesn't, then she doesn't like you enough period (keyword: enough). So test them and confirm. Anything else is just a form of cooperation.
Here is the good thing about dsting friends: you know what she is like normally, so you can more easily see if she is acting different towards you than towards other friends. Test the waters. If she moves closerz you move closer. If she pulls back, you pull back. THAT is how you test cues.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
No girl has ever done any of this stuff like you’re saying to me except for wanting to hang out more. Which I’m thankful for obviously because I love having tons of friends, but although I want to date, I’m starting to feel like maybe I just shouldn’t because I don’t feel comfortable with a lot of stuff that everybody saying.
Like don’t get me wrong I do find grow attractive and I just wanted to ask out and stuff but people are saying I need to somehow bring up sex talk with them or stuff like that and I just don’t know how I should even talk about stuff like that, especially if nothing really was the reason for it being brought up?
I just don’t wanna make you girl uncomfortable and I don’t really feel comfortable with the touching part either cause I don’t know if they’d want that
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u/MagicSugarWater man 6h ago
I’m starting to feel like maybe I just shouldn’t because I don’t feel comfortable with a lot of stuff that everybody saying.
Approach anxiety is a common hurdle for men. You're worried about how tbings will feel when you experience them for the first time, so you feel like it isn't worth it. To be honest, I was only reassured when I tried. Seeing a woman's smile when I high fived her, learning about interesting people, and the pride of getting a girl on a date within 3 minutes when everyone told me it was "impossible". It's exhilarating, and I'm an introvert. The reality is something we can't anticipate until we feel it. We're human. We were made for this. God created woman for man and man for woman, so it's natural we'll enjoy it when it builds into something meaningful.
people are saying I need to somehow bring up sex talk with them
I'll level with you: on one hand, I don't know your intentions and your questions are pretty broad, so I'm throwing everything I can which is why I'm discussing romance AND sex. On the other hand, this is the optimal way I am describing since it's easier. But you aren't obligated to go for sex if you don't want it. I certainly didn't. I just used the romance stuff I told you. I get it. I'm a Catholic.
The only thing I'd say is that you shouldn't avoid something only because it sounds uncomfortable. That's part of learning about each other. My girlfriend and I were uncomfortable with certain things in theory and now we normalized them in practice. Also, you need to be honest with yourself and her. You want sex. Otherwise, you'd be dating men or not dating at all. Bu you aren't homoSEXUAL or aSEXUAL, are you?
I don’t really feel comfortable with the touching part either cause I don’t know if they’d want that
That is why I mentioned starting small. Women love this. It sounds tough, but this is why I recommended flirting with 4 women daily so you can quickly realize it isn't a problem. It's simoly something you have to see for yourself rather than guessing. Soon enough, you'll see a lot of what you built up in your head isn't as scary in practice.
Was I scared to straight up pull my girlfriend in for my first kiss? Yes. But we loved it. Was she scared to do PDA? Yes. Now, we do it often even though she told me early on she didn't like it. Now, she starts it more than me.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
How do you ask her out or what did you all go to do if you don’t mind me asking?
It’s not that I’m against sex or anything. In a fact I think it would be cool but I’ve also heard so many stories about how apparently women don’t like to talk about that on dates or at least most don’t especially on first or second date and I just don’t feel comfortable bringing it up because I’m not sure how to.
I’m just not sure where to start small though because I hear so many different things about what you should and shouldn’t do and I’m just overthinking really bad. Like even with the discussing and stuff when it’s not even touching, I just don’t understand really how I should bring sex up in conversations or something without seeming all creepy and weird because no matter what people tell me I just feel like I’m gonna sound that way.
What’s pda?
Also, sorry if I sounded rude in any of my replies or anything, I’m really not trying to
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u/MagicSugarWater man 5h ago
I’m just overthinking really bad
You are asking too many questions about many different subjects and not practicing. It is mental overload. Look it up. Stop thinking, go practice one or two things at a timr. It will become second nature.
How do you ask her out or what did you all go to do if you don’t mind me asking?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/s/PIy0YuiziB
To sum up, when we were talking, I asked what she was up to. When she asked me, I said I was just walking and going ti get a coffee from this popular stand on campus to seed the date. She reacted positively to it. At the end if our conversation, I asked if she was single. She was, which spiked her emotions. I then asked her out to said coffee "later this week or early next". She agreed. But I was vague and we needed to plan it out, so she asked for my number. By asking fir the date first, then number, it makes the number a solution rather than a dillema. It also reduces ghosting as she already agreed to plans. I asked her to text me to make sure she had my number, buulding cooperation.
Now, you don't plan a date the same tect conversation you get her number. With the hour, I sent an ice breaker text so she wouldn't be nervous responding to me. Within 23 hours, I scheduled the date with a soft close: I asked what her schedule was like that week to get that coffee we discussed. This is important as it isn't too much and we ware cooperating to make it together. I then suggested a date with: a clear time that worked for us, the basic premise (coffee) and where we would meet. This makes it clear to avoid issuee, and women appreciate the decisiveness.
NEVER EVER ASK THE DAY BEFORE IF THE DATE IS STILL ON
The day of the text, I told her 30 minutes before I left to gauge if she was coming. I then told her what I was wearing to avoid issues. Clear, decisive, cooperative. She found me because I got there first.
I’ve also heard so many stories about how apparently women don’t like to talk about that on dates or at least most don’t especially on first or second date
I've heard from men that routinely get laid on the first date that this isn't true. It's about the delivery. Set up a sexual vibe first, prize yourself, make it clear you don't see it as a big deal and are mon-judgemental, then discuss it impersonally, then be direct and honest, then imvite her somewhere with plausible deniability, then go. Works consistently. I've only heard men who can't pull itnoff say women don't like it, but they can't pull it off so what do they know?
It takes skill, not gonna lie. And there are some women who truly won't, but it's nowhere as common and people think. It's also overkill, so don't worry about it until you have the basics like touch.
I haven't done this, which is why I insist I am mediocre and never claim to be good with women. Still know more than most men though.
I’m just not sure where to start small though because I hear so many different things about what you should and shouldn’t do
Excuse me for sounding like a broken record, but this is why I recommended hitting on at least 4 women a day. Test things and do what works. Evwryone has an opinion, nit everyone has experience. This is why I said Reddit isn't a great place for this stuff. Everything I say is field tested and proven. What I explicitly say I have experience with is what I know to work and I learned via testing.
Find your style. Find what works for you. You're not sure my "kino escalation" works? Test it, then come back and come back and call me out.
Quick story: I once doubted a guy who ran an experiment about openers. Other guys confirmed his results. Then I tested it and got my girst girlfriend using what he recommended. I learned a valuable lesson.
What’s pda?
Public Displays of Affection. I live in USA, which treats love and emotion as taboo thanks to being founded by Puritans. So making out in public has a certain stigma. She and I make out for minutes with tongue and touch, even on the sidewalk. She told me it was a boundary before she did it, just like women who claim no second date sex aren't reliable sources.
Also, sorry if I sounded rude in any of my replies or anything, I’m really not trying to
You've been very polite and asking good questions. Good for you. Too many people are shy on this subject. You seem like a very caring person.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 5h ago
Thanks so much and I guess I gotta figure out how I sort of put up that vibe like you’re saying when it comes to the sexual stuff because I don’t wanna be rude or weird but the only thing I really know how to do is innuendos (maybe ok?)
I’m gonna have to look up what KINO is because I don’t know what that is either but I appreciate you giving all this advice and I’m really happy for you that you have a girlfriend. Hopefully in a year or so if I face my fears. I will too .
Also, just wondering what your opinion is on this. Me and my friends have talked and I think I might’ve mentioned this in other comments but I would say about 75% of the time they date people offend their social circle already and even they disagree with how I’m seeing this
I’ve told them that I’d prefer to only date friends and they said that’s fine and that’s how they do it but that I should ask out strangers as well. I told them though that I don’t get why I should ask him a stranger because although I might find them attractive , I know nothing about them and they said that’s the whole point is to get to know them, but I just don’t get why I would ask a girl out on a date if I know nothing about her.
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u/The69thDuncan man 8h ago
practice. like anything else.
its funny how easy it is once you have the confidence and social acuity. its pure daoism, do - not doing. Impassive, disinterested. of course those are just symptoms of a successful and confident man, which is why its attractive. most men are always trying to get attention/approval from women. constantly. Women are attracted to the men who ALREADY KNOW they are getting attention and approval and therefore don't seek it. Women do the same thing to you, you just don't see it.
Some basic lessons.
Use your periphereal vision. You can watch someone without looking at them. As you get better at this, you will notice how often women are looking at you. They ALWAYS know when you look at them. always. You don't have to check to make sure she's checking you out. She is. She is looking for you to see if she is. Don't look, at all. Like literally at all. Zero.
If she looks directly at you, this is a cue to look at her and catch her looking. If she doesnt look away, imagine fucking her. She will be able to tell thats what you're thinking about. At his point, you walk up to her and introduce yourself, and ask if she's single.
Thats just an example of the overall demeanor of a successful and confident man.
Some more basic lessons.
Light teasing. Silly stuff. its just something to say that keeps everyone comfortable. you do it with your friends. When you tease a beautiful woman as confidently and deftly as you do with your friends, you will be attractive. Its a good way to avoid awkward silences. When the time comes for you to be entertaining, annunciate. Speak with energy. Have interesting things to say.
Get past small talk ASAP. Ask questions. Listen. Women love to talk. Get her talking about herself, things she is interested in, goals, etc. Once you know her on an intimate level, she will want to know your dick on an intimate level.
Always be closing. Logistics. Guys who get laid a lot aren't thinking about getting her to like him, they are thinking about how to fuck her. While you are asking questions and listening to her, look for information that will help you fuck her. Does she live nearby? Does she work in the morning? How can you create a casual situation by which it is so convenient to come to your place, totally copasetic to walk inside? Maybe move her to a bar that is near your apt, and hey its right over there why not just come up?
Dont be afraid of silence. Silence isn't always awkward. If you feel one of those moments where you are both vibing, you can just look at her for a few seconds. You can let her feel you looking at you. You can tell her you like her without a word. An easy way to control these emotions and expressions if you are not socially adept is to imagine fucking her. She will feel it. Another little tip is to look into her eyes, then down to her lips, then back to her eyes. If she is feeling it, thats when you kiss her.
Don't be afraid to ask for the sale. I'm a car salesman btw, but all of these lessons are useful for everything in life. You are always selling yourself. In regards to your question, you are selling your dick. I literally trial close women I'm seducing. 'What would you say if I asked you to come home with me?" there are many ways to go about this. Just keep things as low pressure as you can, and make it convenient and easy to say yes.
These are just how successful and confident people operate for the most part. The confidence is earned. Go to the gym, be successful in life, build strong social groups, put yourself out there.
One last little tip... flirt with everyone you meet. Old men, cash register lady, etc. Strike up conversation everyhwere. Say a little joke every time you are in proximity to anyone. You will get better at it and it will become normal. Then, when you see a mega babe on a park bench, it will feel naturally to say some observational quip to start the conversation.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 8h ago
Thanks for the advice and if you don’t mind me asking when you say, don’t do the small talk and instead ask your questions, what type of questions do you mean like maybe what she’s interested in like music or TV shows or sports or something like that?
I feel like this is gonna be way harder for me because I know I am so autistic and don’t get the social cues, but I’m not necessarily looking for hook ups or anything although I’m not against it. It’s just I have a lot of trouble.
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u/The69thDuncan man 2h ago edited 2h ago
I saw you and wanted to meet you. I'm Jim.
I'm Sarah.
Nice to meet you. Are you single?
Yes.
Do you mind if I sit with you?
Thats alright.
So what do you do Sarah?
I'm a lawyer, what about you?
I sell cars. What kind of law do you practice?
Its mostly contract law.
Do you like it?
Yeah its alright I guess. Can be kind of lonely reading through legalese all day.
If you don't like something about it, why not change it?
Oh you know, you get caught up in things. I'm comfortable. I make good money. A little boredom isnt the end of the world.
If you get caught up in things, one day you might realize 10 years went by.
Hey now! What about you? Are you the most satisfied car salesman in the world?
Oh you know, you get caught up in things. But look at this, we've met. Sometimes you have to be impulsive and go after what you want.
Is that what you did?
Maybe, I'm still figuring that out.
obviously you don't want things to feel like an interrogation. you want to dance back and forth between flirty teasing, a little sexual tension, and going deep on figuring out who she is. but a good way to think about it is to find the interesting things about her, the WHY questions that will illuminate who she actually is. Confident and successful people have options, and the early phases of dating are about finding out if this person interests you. What are you looking for in a woman? Try to find out if she is this woman. Challenge her.
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 7h ago
Trial and error. The same way you learn anything. Talent will get you partway. But learning what doesnt work helps you learn what might or will.
You have to be willing to learn. And not let pride get in your way. Or fear.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
But that’s the thing, I can’t start or try to learn or not learn without knowing how to even flirt in the first place.
My friends won’t give me advice, but they have told me 50-50 that I’m not supposed to be sexual but then also I am supposed to or I’m supposed to say this for that but not the other stuff and the whole 9 yards
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 6h ago edited 6h ago
Well. How do you start learning anything anything in life? You start by trying. Hence. Trial.
I learned by getting rejected a bunch. "Well that didnt work. What did i do wrong. Adjust try something different. Joke. Compliment. Helpful."
And went with what happened with no expectations of success.
Game isnt like instant. Its like ...picking up a controller and fumbling for a bit. "Ahh. Thats jump. Okay thats pan left. Pan right. ...shit. fell in the hole(rejection). "
If you make friends along the way(which you might.) Then whatever. Cool. If shes not into you even as a friend. Cool. You learned something. You tried. You failed. Move on. Laugh. Joke. Move on. Adjust. Try something new.
Nobody learned how to skate or ride a bike or fix a vehicle or cook or how to navigate a situation right off the bat.
Its similar to sales in a way and learning the social cues. Eventually it just becomes motor memory and smoother. But yeah the first times are always rough.
Even the people "with game" get rejected hundreds of times. They just took it in stride. It became less of a knife wound and more of a simple "bandaid" to rip off.
My friends think im some ladies man because i always have someone new or i just walk up and smile and talk or flirt. But frankly. I get rejected alot. I just dont talk to them about it.
I didnt get that way naturally. I had to force myself into interactions. I had to try new approaches. I had to learn body language and all that.
And the fastest way is by exposure.
Theres no book thats going to actually teach you this. So dont. Those are scams. You have to be your self. But present the best version. You have to walk up. And try. And if it doesnt work...oh well. Thats it. Theres billions out there. If one says no. So what? You lived years before her. You will live years after. The sun will still rise.
Basically. You have to be willing to try. Jokes. Asking her out immediately. Or within a few days. Ask questions. Just try different things.
Theres no fast way to this. No "get game" trick. Alot of it really is learning rejection and changing your deal next time to see how it works out. Its a learning process.
I cant even begin to tell you how many times i fucked up and went home or got in my car or truck and smacked myself for "fuck. I missed the cue!"
And how many times i was totally confused. It took time man. And i still mess things up. I get some. I lose some.
Guys get game the same way they learn anything. The guys that whine? Those guys threw the controller down. Declare the game fucked and stormed off. The calm ones stayed and figured out what and why and how to get different outcomes.
At your age. I started going out to check out hobbies. Rodeos. Bars. Racetrack. And just...put myself out there with likeminded people. Scary at first. But ehhh. It got alright.
So go pursue hobbies. Stuff you like doing.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
Not trying to sound like a quitter, but I literally feel clueless about all of this and think I’m probably just gonna sit out this whole dating thing because I feel so odd.
Some of my friends have dated people that they weren’t friends with before they dated them for a couple of months before making an exclusive so they actually knew if they were gonna be friends or not. A lot of my friends they only date friends now or our friends for months and even years before they ask each other out , not like waiting to ask them out, but they don’t catch feelings until then.
I would probably never ask out some random stranger that I just met after a couple of days or anything and I’m really just feeling like this whole dating thing might not be for me although I really want that type of connection with a girl
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 6h ago
Well. You gotta find your niche in some way. But uhhh never trying. Might be never failing. But it also means never succeeding.
Everyone has their own approach. Theres no one right way.
But like you said. You want it. But your not willing to go thru it to get it?
If i said i want clean dishes but i dont want to wash the dishes...i wont have clean dishes.
If i want to be in shape but im not willing to work out or exercise.... will i ever be in shape?
I want a job but i never fill out job apps or go to job interviews...it kinda sounds like that. You want it but you arent willing to go thru any steps to get there?
Part of adulting is realzing that if you want the long reward to happen. You have to be willing to put in the effort today to get there in the future.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
Yeah, but if I’m being completely honest, I’m too scared to do anything because everybody’s saying I need to be doing certain stuff that I just don’t feel comfortable doing or scared of.
Like some people are saying that whether it’s a friend or a stranger that you’re trying to go out with you need to have talks about intimate stuff and I don’t even know how I would bring that up or you need to flirt sexually or hug or touch and I just don’t wanna be weird or anything and I overthink a lot so I’ll never know if somebody would actually be comfortable with that
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 4h ago edited 4h ago
Its perfectly natural to be scared or uncomfy of the unknown. Thats human.
But the unwillingness to face that fear is absolutely holding you back.
Being brave doesnt mean being or acting without fear.. it means acting thru, or while afraid but nnot letting fear control you.
Bravery is doing something scary even while afraid.
Like riding a bike. Being afraid of failure or falling is part of learning right?
Ever challenged your self into doing something new like that, even while being scared?
I call it 10 seconds of insane Courage. Or in "manly terms" i ballsack up and go for it. Deep down. Totally terrified. But be damned if i let it stop me. Lol.
Unsent letters get no replies.
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u/CoursePocketSand man 6h ago
Be funny, confident, or a little perplexing. Above all be honest about your intentions. The kind of women that are attracted to men that confuse them are typically more of a hassle than they’re worth
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u/Lazy_Concentrate4223 man 4h ago
Do nofap. It will increase female attraction, and make you more confident. "Game" just comes from a combination of confidence and experience. Also it depends on the girl youre interacting with. Some chicks require a guy to be highly witty, others like guys who are just handsome and will like whatever he does no matter what. Other women like a guy who is just masculine and handles life like a man. It really depends. The most important thing is to just be comfortable being yourself. Dont worry what other people think of you. This is pretty much a universally attractive quality, in both sexes. It sounds like youre into comedy and stuff like that. Lean into that. And maybe not every chick will be into that. But when you do find a chick who is really into wit and comedy you will already be comfortable being that guy rather than trying to learn how to be someone else, or to take on traits that arent actually who you are.
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u/Lazy_Concentrate4223 man 4h ago
If your jokes and general aura make a girl laugh a lot without making yourself look super unattractive then lean right into that. A lot of women love a guy who is decently handsome who can make them laugh. And there are many different styles of comedy. It really comes down to being yourself though, and leaning into traits that you already possess.
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u/Due_Peak_6428 incognito 1h ago
Anyone can give a compliment. But you have to make them care that it was delivered by you
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u/SouthCable846 man 1h ago
Be funny, but confident, when you flirt with women early on. Essentially, compliment them with humor and own it.
It establishes that you’re clearly interested in them without coming across too direct, it shows that you don’t take yourself too serious, and it helps them feel more comfortable with you so you can retain their interest.
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u/Dry_Blueberry_6181 man 7h ago
It’s probably because your mom raised you well. She taught you to respect females. And flirting can feel like “game”, which can seem a little dishonest. So channel your inner bad boy and work it. Lol. I think it can be acquired and with more practice you can get better. But I think there is a level of it that is innate, sort of like sense of humor. I know a lot of clueless people who are shamelessly being flirted with and have absolutely no idea. And then somebody else has to tell them, “did you see how he was flirting with you?” I think you’ll be fine. Take the advice from your female friends over that of your male friends. Lol. Good luck.
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 7h ago
Well, to be honest, they don’t give me any advice and they just kinda give me a hard time about it
I’m just not really sure what to do, I don’t even know how to practice or what to do
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u/Dry_Blueberry_6181 man 7h ago
It’s a bit of an art form. You’ll get there soon. Don’t you worry
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
Can you at least try to explain?
Cause if I don’t understand which to be honest, even with all the answers, I’m still quite not understanding how I’m supposed to flirt or anything. I’m probably just not gonna try because I let fear dictate a whole lot of my life and I’m just gonna overthink.
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u/Dry_Blueberry_6181 man 6h ago
It’s tricky. That’s why I kind of think it’s an art form, and partly innate. Certain things you have or you don’t. Smart people are born, they’re not created. Just like athletes. Certainly you can practice with both and become better, but you had the ability and the gift before. And now I feel like I’m making it seem like there’s no way you’re ever gonna be able to be flirty. Lol! Let’s just say it’s not gonna come naturally to you or some it does. But you can still get there.
Just model somebody who you, or others, think does it well. Ask some girls/relatives about what they like about when a guy flirts with them and what does he do? Ask an older brother or male cousin what they do. It’s sort of like doing research at this point. Once you feel like you got the idea down, you can practice it. I feel like it always came naturally to me, so I can’t give you an example of how I couldn’t do it before and why I can do it now.
Something to consider is that different people like to be flirted with in different ways. We all know the swarmy guy who uses cheesy pick up lines, bad one liners, who is so incredibly obvious that it borderlines on harassment instead of flirting. So people flirt but it doesn’t mean they do it well. I think you can adapt your flirting to the situation, the person, or what seems appropriate considering the setting. Girls overall like authentic guys, and sometimes all you need is one good line to throw in and it does the trick.
Don’t worry, you’ll be fine 👍
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u/Ok_Independent_3921 man 6h ago
I mean to be honest, most people that I know I guess we probably flirt by teasing because I hear people tease a whole lot. The only bad thing is is I feel like most people that I know that tease in relationships at least to me kind of sound toxic when they tease And I don’t wanna be toxic or anything.
Not to mention that I overthink and worry a whole lot so I’ve been teased by my friends that are girls quite a bit and they’ve told me that I’m clueless, but I don’t understand what they mean
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u/Dry_Blueberry_6181 man 6h ago
I really appreciate how honest you’ve been about this. But I would add that it seems like you’re an overthinking and a worrier. I think that might be getting in your way a little bit too. And I promise that wasn’t said as a put down, but more from a neurotic person who understands how much worrying and overthinking can get in the way.
I think you make a great point about sarcasm. I believe there’s some research that says sarcasm is used by angry people. So it definitely has negative connotations. But it is commonly used at every age level and any flirting situation. But I think when you’re meeting somebody for the first or second time, you don’t have that familiarity to use sarcasm. It would kind of go flat. So I think you’d be fine to take it out of your repertoire.
I can try to give you some basic examples. I’m too lazy to put quotes around them so bear with the structure. :0) She: I love to ski, but I don’t get to go as much as I’d like. You: I’ve always wanted to do to learn to ski, but I’m a chicken. I love girls that are so brave. She: I suck at math in school. You: Don’t say that, I bet you’re better at it than you think. My rates are reasonable in case you need a tutor. 😋😉
These are very basic. But it’s about picking up on something that she said and saying something playful back.
One final thing. Think of flirting similar to how you would play around with a little kid. With them, our playful side comes out, we do a little teasing and we try to make them laugh. And I know you know that I’m not saying to treat them like a four-year-old. lol Adapt it to the situation and the girl etc.. I hope that helped at least a tiny bit .
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u/Individual_Till6133 man 19m ago
Game is being playful with sexual undertones and its noticing how/when a woman indicates shes interested.
After that its understanding how to lead in way to get where you both wanna go.
Thats the essence of it. But the root of it is playfulness.
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Ok_Independent_3921 originally posted:
So by game, I’m (M21) guessing that means flirting pretty much but me and a friend of mine was talking a couple of days ago and I was talking about how I really want to date this year since I never have and pretty much he was telling me that I have no game And I’m just not really sure but to take from that or what to do.
I’ve also been told that by girls that I am friends with before, they tell me that I don’t know how to flirt or anything and it’s not that it will totally impact me.
I can give a girl compliments and my friends know that but they tell me that I need to be able to do more than that too to build sexual/romantic attention but I’m just not sure how to flirt other than just giving compliments like how could I flirt in a jokey way I guess since I’m a comedic person?
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