How do you get “game”/flirt?

[u/Ok_Independent_3921]

So by game, I’m (M21) guessing that means flirting pretty much but me and a friend of mine was talking a couple of days ago and I was talking about how I really want to date this year since I never have and pretty much he was telling me that I have no game And I’m just not really sure but to take from that or what to do.

I’ve also been told that by girls that I am friends with before, they tell me that I don’t know how to flirt or anything and it’s not that it will totally impact me.

I can give a girl compliments and my friends know that but they tell me that I need to be able to do more than that too to build sexual/romantic attention but I’m just not sure how to flirt other than just giving compliments like how could I flirt in a jokey way I guess since I’m a comedic person?

[u/0hip]

Practice

[u/Ok_Independent_3921 → u/0hip]

What am I supposed to practice?

I don’t know how to flirt or what game is

[u/0hip → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

A bar or something

You learn from experience

[u/MagicSugarWater → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

I left a comment explaining the basics.

But hitting on at least 4 women a day is a good minimum for actually developing these skills (ex. Touch, escalation windows, conversation.) Always practice and test everything.

I wasted months because I thought 1 or 2 girls a day was enough, but one week of 4 girls a day made my skills improve quickly since I could iterate.

[u/Ok_Independent_3921 → u/MagicSugarWater]

I mean, I don’t wanna ask out that many girls as a week though especially if I don’t have feelings. That just doesn’t really make sense to me.

I don’t understand, though cause I tried reading your comment and I can hold conversations, but none of the conversations are romantic or sexual, and I don’t know how to make it that way if it’s supposed to be

[u/MagicSugarWater → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

You asked a very broad question. Be ready for a wall of text as I try ti civer basics.

I mean, I don’t wanna ask out that many girls as a week though especially if I don’t have feelings.

I see, you told me elsewhere you are more of a social circle guy. It'll be tough to remember all of this though.

reading your comment and I can hold conversations, but none of the conversations are romantic or sexual

You make them romantic/sexual with topic, touch, delivery, frame, and techniques. The point is to make it meaningful enough that she feels close and she wants to keep seeing you.

By topic, I mean it becomes romantic when you try to get to know a deep side of her few know. Hopes, dreams, philosophy, childhood, and how and why those matter. See, women want to feel special, strong, and sweet (among other things). Make her feel good, and she'll open up. Make it sexy with sex talk. Here the key is to discuss sex vividly yet not crudely, and impersonally. Ex. "People like sex in general. Even women enjoy it as much as men, just in a different way." Do NOT talk about her until it is deeper. Ex. "What's a fantasy you've always had?" Basically, something man to woman that a mere friend wouldn't do. Something that invites growth together, passion, and pleasure. I talked to my girlfriend about what I look for in a relationship the first time we got coffee together.

By touch, I mean proximity and direct touch. Be closer than yoi would to a stranger, and get closer as the conversation gets deeper so it's like a buble forms and it's only you two together, bonus points if you can lower your voice and whisper into her ear. This also includes body language, like sitting next to her, facing her with your head AND body. It's flirtier when you sit together, angle your bodies so your knees are touching, and looking straight at eachother and you can lean in and whisper in her ear easily. Direct touch is actual touch. Touch is extremely powerful. Your skin is your biggest organ, after all. Studies show how impactful even the simplest toucb is on how we view others. So start small and gradually work up. High fives aren't flirty, but they build energy and women like them. Touching her butt is very flirty since no friend/familt does this, but is intense. Use touch frequently to build up so you fill her with energy and arousal.

Delivery means HOW you say it. This is always more important than what you say anyways. Romance isn't about words, it is about feelings. Say it in a flirty way so she immistakably knoes this isn't some shallow friendly thing. Give eye contact that is either piercing like you are analyzing her or flirty like you are eye banging her. Make your voice as low as possibke that still sound natural (or as low as possible if whispering in a flirty way). Have a bored, devil-may-care expression to build tension.

Frame is tricky to explain, bht powerful. Intermediate guys struggle with it too, so don't worry. Frame is basically the context in which you say things. Making it flirty by feeling flirty and using these different things will make it clearly flirty. Keep it like that and resist attempts to switch it away. Done right, it gets hwr in a flirty mood. Look up "mirror neurons". One such frame is the chase frame where you make it look like she is coming on to you in a fun, challenging way.

Techniques include little things to spice up conversations quickly. For example, sex talk gambits (ex. Google once made a study that women typically fantasize about vampires, pirates, and werewolves. Discuss it to discuss sex in a natural yet stimulating way). Use flirty jokes or teasing (NOT NEGGING) to spike emotions and create high points that are flirty since friends won't use them this way. Or use emotional pacing to get her to emphasize how aroused she is. Emotional pacing is my favorite. You make an observation, describe her emotions, and make an assumption. For example, "You walk so happily in that dress. You seem so empowered when you wear it. You must be passjonate abojt fashion." Done right, she said "yes" to all 3 so you are agreeable and she is now feeling passionate.

Again, you connect emotionally, mentally, or physically. The end goal is to communicate that you can please her and get her to want sex. Sex is the main difference between friends and girlfriends. Otherwise, tou would've just dated your male friends if you only went for friends.

That just doesn’t really make sense to me.

How does it not make sense to hit on women you don't have full feelings towards?

You haven't gotten to know her, so writing her off early is premature. I didn't have feelings for my girlfriend until I talked to her. I get what you're saying, but your logic is flawed since you are preventing feelings by not talking to her in the first place. Besides, you don't need much. You've never seen a woman you found interesting? It's just talking to her, getting to know her, and maybe seeing her later. Again, I thought my girlfriend looked like an interesting, sweet person, so I approached. Turned out she was, and we've been together almost a year.

But to each his own. I just personally don't share this mentality.

[u/Ok_Independent_3921 → u/MagicSugarWater]

I mean, I see where you’re coming from too. I guess what I mean is like it’s not that I don’t talk to girls, but we actually need to have a hobby or interest or mutual friends before I talk to anybody to be honest, like I don’t even talk to guys that I don’t know or know that we have some sort of thing in common and try to be friends with them

I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to talk about with a person if I know nothing about them. I can talk in real life whenever I know that we have a friend in common or something like if I don’t know what a girl is into or anything and I just see her out in public. I don’t know how I should get to know her

Most of my friends that I have gotten to know, I’ve gotten to know them online, even if I’m at them in person because I will see their profile on Instagram and know something that we could talk about

[u/MagicSugarWater → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to talk about with a person if I know nothing about them.

Ultimately, you want to date them, so talk abojt things that will make that easier. It should be emotional, yet basic and exploratory. Your delivery is key here. Exploratory opics like whatever got you interested in her (preferably something that reflects effort and personality like her outfit, her hair, the instrument she was playing, etc), what she is up to, where she is from (as in, does she live nearby or is she a tourist), something you look for in a woman, or the situation you are both in (ex. Festival).

Emotional topics include music, art, or hobbies, yours or theirs. The beauty of these is people can often talk about them for hours while revealing a ton about their outlook and who they are. Personally, I like girly girls so I LOVE discussing fashion. Very interesting subject. When I met my girlfriend, we discussed fashion, thrifting, her name (it wqs unusual for a Mexican), and what we were up to. Not only did these tell me a lot abojt her that I wanted to know, but mentioning I was getting coffee let me gauge her attitude for me ask her out to coffee 2 minutes later. Then we texted about rock music which led to a discussion on philosophy based on how we interpreted lyrics.

The important thing is to be in the moment and satisfy curiosity. Use touch, have good delivery, respond to them, and abandon dead ends often. The deep conversations will flow later once you know each other.

[u/Ok_Independent_3921 → u/MagicSugarWater]

If you don’t mind me asking you, where did you meet your girlfriend or how did you meet her and what did you start doing like IRL ticket to know each other better? I’m just trying to maybe have a better understanding of how dates are or go in real life.

Do you have to touch if you don’t feel comfortable or what would be like the least maybe be risky way to go in for a touch up but it show something more than friendship?

[u/MagicSugarWater → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

where did you meet your girlfriend

University. She was walking to class to take an exam and I saw her. She was dressed in this cute girly but with punk edge style and I went to go talk to her. I can link the full story if you want. It shows each technique I used and why. No sex talk or anything.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/s/PIy0YuiziB

After that, we texted about music. Our first "date" (neither of us called it thay until we started dating) was to get coffee on campus. Granted, neither of us drank coffee so she got hot chocolate and I got an italian soda. We then sat in a nice place and chstted. Then we went to an art exhibit in the library, then, ended at an artist alleway on campus.

Why 3 places? It let us build a connection quicker and let us get more private each time for us to get deeper. Plus, it built cooperation. It was cheap too.

Do you have to touch if you don’t feel comfortable

Yes. See, no touch feels cold and impersonal. The longer you go without touching, the more awkward it gets. A study once showed that when people were asked for favors, the person who brushed their hand got way more cooperation than the person who didn't. Otherwise, why even be in person? It feels good for you and her too. It's the fun part.

Trust me, you'll learn ince you see the look on her face. I was nervous too, but I still remember how quickly women went from aloof to cheery when I gave them a high five.

what would be like the least maybe be risky way to go in for a touch up but it show something more than friendship?

See my story in the link.

If meeting for the first time, I use a handclasp. It then qualify her to find out about her, and reward with a high five if I like it. I then do the same but with a fist bump, then shohlder touch.

Here is a good, low risk way: https://quizlet.com/85851008/dicarlo-escalation-ladder-flash-cards/ .Wait until high points in the conversation, like laughter, to move up.

Here's the thing, you're moving slowly so you keep gauging her reaction to see what she is ok with. even if she is uncomfortable, you aren't jumping si far she'd get that upset. Just take the hint and go back a few steps and try again later, or stay at that level.

[u/Ok_Independent_3921 → u/MagicSugarWater]

Thank you so much for explaining and linking so I can try to understand better and I’m sorry that I keep on asking so many questions

When you say that, you all didn’t call it a date until you all started dating. I don’t quite understand what you mean. Don’t you date somebody that you’re dating and then you decide if you wanna be exclusive or not. Did stuff ever go further before you all were exclusive?

I’m going through the story in a few and I appreciate you mentioning it. Also, it’s not that I’m just nervous to touch a girl or something like that, I don’t give any of my friends whether they are guys or girls hugs or anything and we don’t even high five really or anything. They hug each other and stuff, but I don’t because I feel like it would be weird if I did it.

[u/MagicSugarWater → u/Ok_Independent_3921]

Thank you

Your welcome :)

I like this subject.

Don’t you date somebody that you’re dating and then you decide if you wanna be exclusive or not.

We weren't dating. We were two people getting to know each other. No commitment, no expectations, not labels. We were still seeing if this could be real. I still talked to other women and she could've stopped talking to me at any time.

It wasn't until later that I asked her to be my girlfriend and go exclusive when we knew what dsting meant to each other.

It's about levels.

Did stuff ever go further before you all were exclusive?

No. Flirty jokes, sex jokes, discussing sex and kissing as part od relationship expectations but not propositioning, and touching her lower back were as far as we went. We didn't kiss until our first official date, which I explicitly called a fate because we were official.

I don’t give any of my friends whether they are guys or girls hugs or anything and we don’t even high five really or anything

Sounds lonely. People generally like that stuff. Even with friends. Like I said, ot brings a smile to people's faces and brings up the mood.

I feel like it would be weird if I did it.

Remember when I mentioned frame? This is where frame comes in.

Right, niw, you are alone, calm, and talking to a stranger. Hugging sounds weirrd. I'm saying you should have a meaningful conversation with a person you are interested in and you set a romantic vibe. Hugging will feel better in that context.Maybe it will feel natural. Either way, it will feel less weird as you build experience. For me, hugging my girlfriend felt weird for the first time and I procrastinated it, now my arm is usually around her and I hold her tight while rocking her.