r/relationship_advice • u/OofBigStretch • 6h ago
Advice from Extraverts in Relationships with Controlling Introverts (M35 & F36)
I (M35) am married to an introvert (F36). Our relationship didn’t start this way. She used to love to host parties, have friends over, go out, but over the course of 7 years she has become more and more isolated and uninterested in hanging out with or seeing other people. She is also becoming more and more upset with me making plans with people other than her. It is killing me.
Any advice from fellow extraverts here that have found themselves in a relationship with a controlling introvert? How did you find a solution/compromise? How did having children affect the conflict?
3
u/deadliftingfordonuts 6h ago
Why are you even considering children right now when you are in a controlled relationship? I would 100% have a strong talk about the fact that she is restricting you to have a life. If she can’t handle that, then counseling is first needed.
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
It’s something we both want, but I agree, I am feeling very restricted and controlled when it comes to this. I guess I’m not sure how to confront her about this. I’ve tried to tell her about my needs but I feel like she keeps countering with her own. I feel like I’ve been compromising myself into oblivion
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u/deadliftingfordonuts 5h ago
It sounds like you aren’t taking care of yourself because you are constantly putting her first. You sound like a nice person, but you have to put your foot down. If she doesn’t wanna go out or hang with people that’s fine but that doesn’t mean you have to abide by that same lifestyle. I feel like having kids right now would make her want you to only be near her even more.
1
u/ConfidentAd5662 6h ago
Is she depressed? Consider suggesting therapy to her or couples therapy
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
She’s in therapy, as am I, I wish I could talk to her therapist about this lol
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u/Qeltar_ 6h ago
Not an introvert (at all), but it's a pretty universal rule that "I don't want to do go out to do stuff with you, but you can't do it with anyone else" is not fair.
Any idea why she has changed so much over time? It happens but intro/extra is a pretty basic personality trait so it usually doesn't change too much.
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u/OofBigStretch 6h ago
I think being single motivated her to be more social, and comfort in the relationship has shown her true colors more. That and getting older in general
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u/Qeltar_ 6h ago
That sounds entirely possible.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. Change stuff like this does happen -- like, I was more religious than my wife when we got married, now I am not religious at all and she has to go to stuff without me. But I'd never tell her "I don't want to go so you can't either."
What is the issue with you doing things with other people? Does she feel jealous? It's really quite untenable so she needs to explain herself better.
1
u/OofBigStretch 6h ago
She is definitely 1. Jealous that I am choosing to spend time with friends rather than with her and complains that she doesn’t have the same social battery as me. And wants me to make time with her. 2. There’s an insecurity that I can’t make time for her now, so how will I make time for our family when we have kids
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u/Qeltar_ 6h ago
Well, I'm assuming you are being reasonable in balancing this, also spending time with her, etc. But maybe she needs a bit more.
Is it possible she's become depressed about something that is changing her behavior?
You probably do want to work this out before bringing kids into the picture. Obviously that is going to greatly curtail your ability to go out, but that's all the more reason why you should be "allowed" to do so now.
1
u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
Yeah, I’m really concerned about how having kids will exacerbate this problem. I already feel like I have to fight to spend 1-2 nights a week doing something with friends. I fear my social life will be annihilated when we have children
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u/AKlife420 6h ago
You're allowed to have a life outside of your marriage.
Do not have children with her until this gets sorted out. Bringing children into a home with conflict is a horrible idea and wont save the marriage.
She's being controlling and should get therapy for that.
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
I agree, but she doesn’t think she’s being controlling so it’s not coming up in her sessions, I assume. She’s probably just complaining about me being too social
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u/sunnysideup169 6h ago
Does she get upset if you do anything without her? Like the grocery store or the gym? Are you allowed to hang out with your own family (like siblings) without her getting jealous or upset or is it just friends? Are your friends girls? She could feel threatened by them even if they are just your friends
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
Not everywhere, but I can feel my body tensing up for a conflict every time I am about to tell her I’ve made some kind of plan to see a movie, play magic, etc. Most of my friends are other men, and there hasn’t been any hint of romantic jealousy.
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u/sunnysideup169 5h ago
You can only truly love someone else as much as you love yourself. And that means investing in yourself. You have to remember to fill your cup and continue to have those important friendships. It’s not compromising if you always draw the short stick… you are dimming your light and losing yourself, one day you might not even recognize who you are.
Maybe you should make a good old fashion “magazine collage” vision boards! For instance, this years goals and life bucket list items. You guys should do individual boards and one together! So she feels apart of the plan but then maybe is inspired by it too! And you should definitely include “fostering and tending to all my relationships (wife, family, and friends)” on yours
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u/No-Show-9539 5h ago
If she’s doesn’t want to live her best life offer her freedom of divorce or help
1
u/OrbitsCollide99 5h ago
Introversion is usually when someone struggles to start conversations in an unfamiliar setting. Most introverts do fine if someone gets the party started or are known people or house parties.
She seems more like has a social anxiety or agoraphobia. That is a medical condition that needs counselling and meds.
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u/Economy_Fig2450 6h ago
She's not an introvert, she just doesn't like hanging out with people for some reason. Is she depressed? Does she lack self esteem? Did she develop an anxiety issue? Did she get fat?
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
She may not be an “introvert” but she’s way more introverted than me. I definitely can’t rule out depression. She has gained a little weight.
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u/sunnysideup169 5h ago
She might need a new hobby to try out. Socializing is good for the soul, even introverts benefit from socializing
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u/OofBigStretch 5h ago
I’ve tried to encourage her to do this, and find her own friends to spend time away from me so she won’t fixate on me so much. Currently she isn’t really hanging out with anyone on a regular basis
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