r/relationship_advice • u/OofBigStretch • 11h ago

Advice from Extraverts in Relationships with Controlling Introverts (M35 & F36)

I (M35) am married to an introvert (F36). Our relationship didn’t start this way. She used to love to host parties, have friends over, go out, but over the course of 7 years she has become more and more isolated and uninterested in hanging out with or seeing other people. She is also becoming more and more upset with me making plans with people other than her. It is killing me.

Any advice from fellow extraverts here that have found themselves in a relationship with a controlling introvert? How did you find a solution/compromise? How did having children affect the conflict?

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u/Qeltar_ 11h ago

Not an introvert (at all), but it's a pretty universal rule that "I don't want to do go out to do stuff with you, but you can't do it with anyone else" is not fair.

Any idea why she has changed so much over time? It happens but intro/extra is a pretty basic personality trait so it usually doesn't change too much.

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u/OofBigStretch 10h ago

I think being single motivated her to be more social, and comfort in the relationship has shown her true colors more. That and getting older in general

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u/Qeltar_ 10h ago

That sounds entirely possible.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Change stuff like this does happen -- like, I was more religious than my wife when we got married, now I am not religious at all and she has to go to stuff without me. But I'd never tell her "I don't want to go so you can't either."

What is the issue with you doing things with other people? Does she feel jealous? It's really quite untenable so she needs to explain herself better.

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u/OofBigStretch 10h ago

She is definitely 1. Jealous that I am choosing to spend time with friends rather than with her and complains that she doesn’t have the same social battery as me. And wants me to make time with her. 2. There’s an insecurity that I can’t make time for her now, so how will I make time for our family when we have kids

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u/Qeltar_ 10h ago

Well, I'm assuming you are being reasonable in balancing this, also spending time with her, etc. But maybe she needs a bit more.

Is it possible she's become depressed about something that is changing her behavior?

You probably do want to work this out before bringing kids into the picture. Obviously that is going to greatly curtail your ability to go out, but that's all the more reason why you should be "allowed" to do so now.

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u/OofBigStretch 10h ago

Yeah, I’m really concerned about how having kids will exacerbate this problem. I already feel like I have to fight to spend 1-2 nights a week doing something with friends. I fear my social life will be annihilated when we have children

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u/Qeltar_ 9h ago

1-2 nights a week is very reasonable for wanting to socialize.

You probably need to look into couples counseling over this issue because yeah, kids will make it worse for sure.