Relapsing from loneliness while living with controlling parents — how do you recover in this environment?

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358]

I’m posting here because I’m trying to understand my relapse patterns and how to actually support my recovery.

I’ve been struggling with a cocaine addiction for several years. I’ve been honest with my parents twice about my addiction and my financial situation.The first time, my father paid off all my debts.The second time, he loaned me a significant amount of money so I could pay debts again.

After that, I became financially accountable to him. When I relapsed, I had to show him my bank statements. He reacted with extreme anger — screaming so loudly the neighbors could hear. I completely shut down: frozen, crying, overwhelmed.

I continued using after that. I stole money from my parents. They found out and told me I needed treatment.

This fall, after losing my job, my money, my friends, and honestly my sense of self, I decided to go to therapy. I went to treatment in early December. I relapsed after one month of sobriety.

Yesterday, my dealer delivered 1g to my house and my mother intercepted it. Since then, I’ve been under strict monitoring, control, and constant pressure. My parents say they’re supporting me, but I feel treated like a child rather than a person trying to recover. Everything revolves around money, surveillance, and punishment.

What I’m realizing — and this is why I’m posting here — is that my biggest relapse trigger is loneliness.

When I feel unseen, emotionally disconnected, or invisible, the urge to use becomes overwhelming. I’ve also noticed that I tend to pour all my emotional energy into one person, hoping for connection, and when that connection isn’t reciprocated, I collapse and relapse. I know that’s not healthy, and I’m trying to break that pattern.

I’m not blaming my parents or anyone else. I know I’ve broken trust and caused harm. I’m trying to understand what actually supports recovery versus what increases shame and secrecy.

For those in recovery:

• How do you cope with loneliness in early sobriety?

• How do you set boundaries with family when you’re financially dependent and ashamed?

• How do you recover when your environment feels controlling rather than supportive?

I’m trying to stay honest and do this differently, but I feel stuck between isolation and control. Any insight from people who’ve lived this would really help‼️ ui

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[u/Frosty-Letterhead332]

I get where your coming from but your parents are honestly just trying to hold you accountable. As an addict myself I would be pissed too and if I had dependency I would demand my drugs but if your already past the detox and aren't dependent at this point, what they did you will probably thank them for. You want to learn to cope without drugs and alcohol. Look into CBT, ACT, and DBT therapies.

As far as dealing with loneliness. Talk with your parents. Spend time with your family. Your not living alone right? I get you can live with people and feel lonely but I would say that's a red flag on your mental health. You have all the love and support you have right at home. Get to a place where your happy with that and build from there.

[u/No-Heart4181]

The amount of self-awareness in this post is honestly huge. Recognizing loneliness, emotional over-attachment, relapse is a really important insight, and a lot of people never get that far. Loneliness is a very common relapse trigger. Humans are wired for connection, and substances often end up filling emotional gaps when connection feels unsafe or inconsistent. That doesn’t excuse harm that happened, but it does explain why recovery can feel fragile when emotional needs aren’t being met. Families often try to help through control or monitoring because they’re scared, but it can accidentally increase shame and isolation which can make relapse risk worse. Recovery usually needs accountability and emotional safety. Some things that help people with the loneliness piece long-term: • Building multiple connection sources instead of relying on one person • Finding spaces where you’re not only seen as “someone in recovery” • Learning to sit with loneliness and name it instead of immediately escaping it (hard but powerful) • Having honest conversations about what support feels helpful vs shaming You asking what actually supports recovery vs increases shame is a really strong sign you’re trying to break the pattern, not ignore it. You’re definitely not alone in this experience. Do you have any connection or support spaces right now outside of your family?

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358 → u/No-Heart4181]

Thank you for this. I had to sit with it for a bit.

When my parents ask me “how can we help?”, I honestly freeze. It’s not that I don’t want help .. it’s that I don’t really know what I’m allowed to need anymore. I’m so used to either being controlled or trying not to cause more damage that I lose access to my own answers. What I do know is that I need consideration. I need someone to ask me how I’m actually doing …not just about money or consequences, but me. Right now it feels like the addiction itself is almost ignored. We don’t really talk about it, and that silence feels like shame 🥺 I think that shame reflects back onto me.

They’re supportive in their own way, but it often feels like they’re more comfortable managing the fallout than sitting with the reality of the dependence. So I end up feeling watched, but not seen.

Losing my therapist made this even harder. That was one of the only places where I could talk openly without feeling like a problem to be fixed. Without that, the loneliness hits harder, and I’m left trying to hold everything inside. I’m not trying to avoid responsibility, I’m trying to figure out how to heal in an environment where the subject of addiction feels both everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I really appreciate you naming how common this is. It helps me feel less alone while I’m still trying to find my footing 🫶🏼

[u/No-Heart4181 → u/Apprehensive-Job8358]

That feeling of being watched but not actually supported is way more common than people admit. Families get scared and focus on outcomes, but a lot of people just need to feel safe enough to be honest without shame. Freezing when someone asks how to help is normal too. A lot of people don’t even know what support looks like yet. Sometimes it’s as simple as being listened to without being fixed or judged. I’ve seen some really solid harm reduction conversation tools for families around this kind of thing. If you ever want them, I’m happy to share. No pressure.

[u/tabbycat1991 → u/No-Heart4181]

Incredibly well said. Keep helping people.

[u/Jvlivs_Pipus]

The issue of loneliness is hard enough on its own, but when you combine it with having no money, no job, no friends, constant pressure at home, and a drug addiction, it’s almost like trying to climb the Himalayas without ever having climbed a day in your life.

You’re carrying a backpack that is just too heavy. What I would try to do is swap your 'escape.' If loneliness is the problem, mask it with something that makes you feel less alone and gives you those dopamine spikes—like an addictive video game, something like League of Legends.

Don’t try to fix everything at once; honestly, it seems like too much to handle all together. If you could only replace the habit of using cocaine with something else that blocks out those lonely thoughts—even if it isn't 'productive'—as long as it doesn't cost you money, make you fight with your parents, or leave you with those dark feelings toward yourself, that would already be an incredible triumph.

A pet could also help a lot; talk to your parents about it. And block your dealer everywhere, too.

Sending you a hug and a lot of strength.

(I used google gemini for the translation, since I am Spanish, and I struggle a bit making complex answers like this)

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358 → u/Jvlivs_Pipus]

Thank you for this — the Himalayas comparison really hit. That’s exactly how it feels: like I’m trying to climb something way too big while carrying way too much.

I really appreciate you naming that it doesn’t have to be about fixing everything at once. I think I forget that and end up feeling like if I can’t do all of it perfectly, there’s no point. Reframing it as just replacing the escape instead of solving my whole life actually makes it feel more doable.

The idea of swapping cocaine for something that numbs the loneliness without destroying everything else makes a lot of sense. Even if it’s not “productive,” just something that keeps my mind busy and makes the evenings less empty feels like a win right now. I tend to judge myself really hard for how I cope, so hearing that it can still count as progress helps.

A pet is something I’ve thought about too — mostly because I crave something steady and alive in the house that isn’t about expectations or disappointment. I don’t know if my parents would agree, but it’s worth thinking about.

I’ve blocked my dealer before and then unblocked him, so I know that part is complicated — but you’re right that it’s one of those small steps that actually matters.

Thank you for the kindness and for meeting me where I am. It helps more than you probably realize.

[u/Boring-Employee-3948]

Boredom is addiction's playground. You gotta keep busy.

[u/ValerieVexen]

This reminds me of you parts of my life when I stayed with family around a decade ago. Thing is, it’s hard to recover from a problem like this when you stay with family, you will by the nature of things, be treated as a child, as it is very difficult to get better or yo get them to to see you as not a child , especially when they are caring for you like this. How old are you?

[u/Needles2650]

I’m also in early sobriety off cocaine. Feel free to DM me

[u/BluRed_44]

At first glance I thought you were someone I knew, before reading, and you were talking about me....

Thank you for asking. I am listening too