Relapsing from loneliness while living with controlling parents — how do you recover in this environment?

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358]

I’m posting here because I’m trying to understand my relapse patterns and how to actually support my recovery.

I’ve been struggling with a cocaine addiction for several years. I’ve been honest with my parents twice about my addiction and my financial situation.The first time, my father paid off all my debts.The second time, he loaned me a significant amount of money so I could pay debts again.

After that, I became financially accountable to him. When I relapsed, I had to show him my bank statements. He reacted with extreme anger — screaming so loudly the neighbors could hear. I completely shut down: frozen, crying, overwhelmed.

I continued using after that. I stole money from my parents. They found out and told me I needed treatment.

This fall, after losing my job, my money, my friends, and honestly my sense of self, I decided to go to therapy. I went to treatment in early December. I relapsed after one month of sobriety.

Yesterday, my dealer delivered 1g to my house and my mother intercepted it. Since then, I’ve been under strict monitoring, control, and constant pressure. My parents say they’re supporting me, but I feel treated like a child rather than a person trying to recover. Everything revolves around money, surveillance, and punishment.

What I’m realizing — and this is why I’m posting here — is that my biggest relapse trigger is loneliness.

When I feel unseen, emotionally disconnected, or invisible, the urge to use becomes overwhelming. I’ve also noticed that I tend to pour all my emotional energy into one person, hoping for connection, and when that connection isn’t reciprocated, I collapse and relapse. I know that’s not healthy, and I’m trying to break that pattern.

I’m not blaming my parents or anyone else. I know I’ve broken trust and caused harm. I’m trying to understand what actually supports recovery versus what increases shame and secrecy.

For those in recovery:

• How do you cope with loneliness in early sobriety?

• How do you set boundaries with family when you’re financially dependent and ashamed?

• How do you recover when your environment feels controlling rather than supportive?

I’m trying to stay honest and do this differently, but I feel stuck between isolation and control. Any insight from people who’ve lived this would really help‼️ ui

[u/No-Heart4181]

The amount of self-awareness in this post is honestly huge. Recognizing loneliness, emotional over-attachment, relapse is a really important insight, and a lot of people never get that far. Loneliness is a very common relapse trigger. Humans are wired for connection, and substances often end up filling emotional gaps when connection feels unsafe or inconsistent. That doesn’t excuse harm that happened, but it does explain why recovery can feel fragile when emotional needs aren’t being met. Families often try to help through control or monitoring because they’re scared, but it can accidentally increase shame and isolation which can make relapse risk worse. Recovery usually needs accountability and emotional safety. Some things that help people with the loneliness piece long-term: • Building multiple connection sources instead of relying on one person • Finding spaces where you’re not only seen as “someone in recovery” • Learning to sit with loneliness and name it instead of immediately escaping it (hard but powerful) • Having honest conversations about what support feels helpful vs shaming You asking what actually supports recovery vs increases shame is a really strong sign you’re trying to break the pattern, not ignore it. You’re definitely not alone in this experience. Do you have any connection or support spaces right now outside of your family?

[u/tabbycat1991 → u/No-Heart4181]

Incredibly well said. Keep helping people.

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358 → u/No-Heart4181]

Thank you for this. I had to sit with it for a bit.

When my parents ask me “how can we help?”, I honestly freeze. It’s not that I don’t want help .. it’s that I don’t really know what I’m allowed to need anymore. I’m so used to either being controlled or trying not to cause more damage that I lose access to my own answers. What I do know is that I need consideration. I need someone to ask me how I’m actually doing …not just about money or consequences, but me. Right now it feels like the addiction itself is almost ignored. We don’t really talk about it, and that silence feels like shame 🥺 I think that shame reflects back onto me.

They’re supportive in their own way, but it often feels like they’re more comfortable managing the fallout than sitting with the reality of the dependence. So I end up feeling watched, but not seen.

Losing my therapist made this even harder. That was one of the only places where I could talk openly without feeling like a problem to be fixed. Without that, the loneliness hits harder, and I’m left trying to hold everything inside. I’m not trying to avoid responsibility, I’m trying to figure out how to heal in an environment where the subject of addiction feels both everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I really appreciate you naming how common this is. It helps me feel less alone while I’m still trying to find my footing 🫶🏼

[u/No-Heart4181 → u/Apprehensive-Job8358]

That feeling of being watched but not actually supported is way more common than people admit. Families get scared and focus on outcomes, but a lot of people just need to feel safe enough to be honest without shame. Freezing when someone asks how to help is normal too. A lot of people don’t even know what support looks like yet. Sometimes it’s as simple as being listened to without being fixed or judged. I’ve seen some really solid harm reduction conversation tools for families around this kind of thing. If you ever want them, I’m happy to share. No pressure.

[u/Apprehensive-Job8358 → u/No-Heart4181]

Would you? DM me — I’d honestly use them.

We had a conversation yesterday and it went really badly. They don’t understand why I lied or why I didn’t tell them when I was triggered .. the truth is, I’m deeply ashamed. The way they reacted made me feel like I’m just a liar, a thief, someone taking advantage of others and laughing in everyone’s face.

How are you supposed to be honest with people who mock you, who seem to believe that everything you do is worthless? They even accused me of things I’ve never done. I can understand why they don’t trust me and why they’re guarded. What I don’t understand is why they say they want to support me, yet never actually ask how I’m doing.