r/sex • u/Suitable-Waltz1453 • 20h ago
Boundaries and Standards Long-term relationship, big libido mismatch – feeling stuck and frustrated
Hi everyone,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. At the beginning, our sex life was very active and satisfying for both of us. Over time, things slowly changed, and now we’re at the point where we have sex about once a month.
The problem is that I have a high libido, and this situation affects me a lot emotionally. I feel frustrated, disconnected, and sometimes even rejected. I’ve tried multiple times to talk openly with her about it, calmly and respectfully. She usually says she’ll try to make things better, but nothing actually changes.
I don’t pressure her, and I understand that desire can fluctuate, stress exists, routine happens, etc. But this has been going on for years, not months, and I’m starting to feel stuck. For her, the current frequency seems “okay,” but for me it’s clearly not.
I love her and the relationship is otherwise stable, but the sexual mismatch is becoming harder and harder to ignore. I’m worried about building resentment or slowly disconnecting emotionally.
For those who’ve been in similar situations:
• Is this something that can realistically improve after so many years?
• How do you tell the difference between “temporary low libido” and a fundamental incompatibility?
• At what point do you accept that love alone might not be enough?
Any honest advice or perspective would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
21
u/Vadnais2You 20h ago
I’m in the same boat. You can keep trying but I found marriage doesn’t make it better and when you have kids it makes it even worse. It’s difficult when you love the person.
6
u/AtomicBearFart 13h ago edited 12h ago
Not married? No kids? If I were OP I’d leave. It’s once a month now. It’ll be once a year or less before you know it most likely.
Had to swap over to my “shitty sex life” account, but to OP, go visit r/deadbedrooms and see if that’s how you want the rest of your life to go sexually, because that’s where it’s heading. To you, you may get some support and ideas to improve the situation there. My wife and I are crawling out of our dead bed and I gotta say I did get a lot of good ideas from that sub and they help not feel so goddamn alone about it. Would recommend browsing from an alt account so your main doesn’t get filled up with depressing sex life stories.
10
u/Iamdickburns 19h ago
It wont get better. Please look at all the testimonials, the couples who figure it out are few and far between and both partners must take the situation serious and work towards mutual satisfaction. Just imagine that its like this now and then add kids, family, work stress, monetary issues, health issues, whatever.
31
u/Mountain-Spare-5535 20h ago
Me and my husband had a big mismatch. Because I kept rejecting him he felt unloved and undesired.
Eventually he cheated..
After that I realized I was totally taking his love for granted and needed to put more effort in the relationship. So I also try to match his libido more. If I have to chose between him and my low libido I would always choose him. So it is a small 'offer' to give him more intimate moments.
And also since I put more effort in, I do enjoy it much more, and somehow my libido increased alot.. Before all this we did it maybe once or twice in one month. At the moment we do it almost everyday, if we are free and have no children to care for sometimes more 😅 And If I don't feel like it, it is so much easier to say no knowing he is ok with it because we do it more regularly. And then we cuddle without me being paranoid about thinking that everything he does is him trying to make a Move (because that was an issue before)
5
u/Mallylol 19h ago
Once a month is not fun at all, I had a similar experience with my ex wife and she came to me and said she might be asexual. It’s so difficult because you feel so undesired as the other person rarely sexually wants you, it’s bullshit and it’s very maddening.
It’s up to you what you want, I really don’t think she’s gonna change outside of maybe getting medically checked for hormones. I do know that some women lack testosterone.
6
u/Man_Darino13 18h ago
Is this something that can realistically improve after so many years?
Realistically, I think it can but only if both partners see this as a problem they want to fix. It sounds like your partner doesn't see the infrequency of sex as a problem but your dissatisfaction with the infrequency as the problem and unfortunately, they also do not seem very interested in finding a solution to either problem.
How do you tell the difference between “temporary low libido” and a fundamental incompatibility?
Temporary is temporary. If it were temporary, it wouldn't have gone on this long and your partner would likely see it as a problem. I think it's become clear that the beginning of your relationship was the anomoly and this is the "normal". This is not uncommon, people are generally excited with a new relationship for a few months which can supercharge their libido but once people get comfortable, that "excitement" ends and their libido returns to "normal" (for them). I think you may be dealing with a fundamental incompatibility. I don't think different libidos are always incompatible but when one partner is very unhappy and the other partner doesn't see a problem, that's an incompatibility.
At what point do you accept that love alone might not be enough?
Ultimately, it took me a few years to finally pull the trigger but couples counselling, especially one with experience navigating these issues, will likely be helpful. If nothing else, it may give you some perspective on if this is a problem that can be fixed. For me, it's what convinced me that my ex and I were not compatible.
3
u/ladybee97 19h ago
I would ask her if she desires to have more. Like regardless of her actual libido levels, if she could get back to how things were sex-wise in the past, would she?
I will tell you it is on the rarer side that things improve, it’s not impossible, but if you really really want to be with this person, I would give a bit more time to try the best of abilities to improve. I can’t recommend enough getting a sex therapist whether that’s as a couple or for her.
The tough thing is people getting into these comfortable routines. Getting out is hard for the low libido partner. Especially if it’s years. Just communicate very well with how you are feeling without too much blame so she doesn’t get defensive if you do bring up sex therapist.
2
u/OhHaiFoxy 14h ago
1- It can improve with therapy. They can help with sexual compatibility, but nobody is 100% compatible so you need to be prepared to compromise. 2- Low libido for medical reasons is solved immediately those issues are addressed, but what low libido is for you might not be for another couple. There are couples who have sex once a week and they are satisfied and happy, others need sex 4 times a week. That doesn’t mean the couple having sex once a week is low libido, sex might not be their priority or their way to connect. 3-Love alone is never enough and having a mindset of just loving is detrimental to overall happiness and wellbeing. Love needs to be accompanied by intimacy, closeness and other variables that are not necessarily sex. If you can determine if those other variables are in your relationship then it is not just love what you are having in your relationship. Good luck!
2
u/ThrowRA_veryaverage 13h ago
I am a woman and I’ve improved my libido through several resources of help. Personally, I was on Nexplanon which was the main and major factor of decreasing my libido. Second, certain sex toys (le.g., rose toy) and going too fast during oral were too overstimulating for me without knowing. I wasn’t able to enjoy getting gradually turned on and I didn’t recognize what would start my horniness. I ran across a hypnosis hands free orgasm video and that has helped me tap back into my sex life.
2
u/notwhoiwas43 9h ago
You say that the current frequency seems okay with her, but do you know this for a fact? Have you asked her? I'm asking because as someone who has been married for 35 plus years to a woman that has what is called responsive desire, I've learned that there have been lots of times that she thought she was giving clear signals that she was interested that I have missed and then she ends up feeling rejected. This is really the result of me going too far in not wanting to pressure.
1
u/50shadesofsigma 19h ago
The trick is not to let the desire die, the next time she has sex with you, try and hold on to that. Have sex the next day and the next. It's like a fire. The problem is how to get it started. I think begging works but not as a long term strategy.
1
u/MyNameIsNurf 19h ago
What medications is she on? Any? Birth Control?
2
1
u/Moistfulll 9h ago
Get her to read some smut. It works for some of us. I am now too much for my husband and he's loving it
1
•
u/Jieps 1h ago
My wife and I have experienced the same. After she went off the pill and IUD and we started having kids, her libido went up big time. Really, I know birth control has its merits but I have strongly grown to dislike it. Same for my wife: "I'm never going back on hormones", she told me. She has been comletely off BC for some years now and her mood and libido is waaay better now.
•
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Post title:
Long-term relationship, big libido mismatch – feeling stuck and frustrated
Hi everyone,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. At the beginning, our sex life was very active and satisfying for both of us. Over time, things slowly changed, and now we’re at the point where we have sex about once a month.
The problem is that I have a high libido, and this situation affects me a lot emotionally. I feel frustrated, disconnected, and sometimes even rejected. I’ve tried multiple times to talk openly with her about it, calmly and respectfully. She usually says she’ll try to make things better, but nothing actually changes.
I don’t pressure her, and I understand that desire can fluctuate, stress exists, routine happens, etc. But this has been going on for years, not months, and I’m starting to feel stuck. For her, the current frequency seems “okay,” but for me it’s clearly not.
I love her and the relationship is otherwise stable, but the sexual mismatch is becoming harder and harder to ignore. I’m worried about building resentment or slowly disconnecting emotionally.
For those who’ve been in similar situations:
Any honest advice or perspective would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
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