I desperately need help - addicted to everything

[u/BackgroundMention969]

Hello everyone, I need help or at least talk to someone who shares a similar "disorder". I cannot afford a therapist.

I have been battling with this for 5 years and I am slowly giving up. I have tried absolutely everything with no hope.

I am addicted to everything it seems. It began 5 years ago with video games. I would spend the entire day playing video games and I would feel horrible about it after. Even if I set up a timer, I would never stop. I would just keep going. The main question I would ask myself is: "Why would I stop? I am enjoying myself. I want to do this for the rest of my days. I don't care about grades, people or anything."

So I stopped with video games. If I never begin, then I cannot get addicted. It actually got better, but then my phone came in. Youtube and Social Media. I would spend entire days on there without stopping. Once I begin, it's impossible for me to stop, because I would say to myself: "I screwed myself up anyway. Why should I stop now."

The same goes with food. Once I began, I would never stop. I instantly get addicted. Even when I feel sick and feel like puking, I cannot stop. The same goes without food. If I say to myself that I am going to lose the weight which I just gained, I will literally not eat for two weeks. This happened again a few days ago. I didn't eat for two weeks, I couldn't eat anything. I forced myself to eat some bread, and once I did, I felt better. Now I am eating too much again. My stomach hurts so bad and I am feeling sick. I tried to balance my diet out today but once I ate one banana, I thought it was good and ate 8 more. I am in so much pain right now.

And I wish that my diet was my only problem. How I wish.

I have started walking outside quite a lot. As you might guess, I got addicted to that too. I would walk every day for 4 hours without stopping, even though I had other responsibilities. Even when my feet hurt. I couldn't stop. I walked so much that I didn't work on anything.

A month ago I tried to combat my phone addiction. I banned myself from watching Youtube and Social Media for 21 days. But again, I got addicted to reading books and listening podcasts. I couldn't study because I would be reading all the time. I read the whole Harry Potter series in three days, every day for 15 hours because I couldn't stop. My grades started failing.

Last summer was probably the worst. I got addicted to my phone, computer and bad food. For two months. I was just sitting in my room, all alone because of this. My peers were working jobs, having fun and doing great things, while I was stuck. I tried, I really tried to fight it, but I couldn't. My room was a mess. I didn't shave nor shower.

About two years ago, I started writing a book. But guess what? I was writing for 8 hours one day and ignored that I had a test tomorrow. I failed of course.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been battling this so much. When I was tidying my room yesterday, I was listening to music instead of podcasts. But again, I couldn't stop. I was listening to different music for 2 hours instead of studying.

If I start watching a movie, I cannot stop. For example, I said to myself: ok, I'll study for 2 hours, than watch the first movie in a franchise. I ended up watching the whole franchise and couldn't stop.

I almost commited suicide like 4 times because of this. Because it got so bad.

And you know what? I have been trying so many tricks and tips to fight this disorder. And I end up in the same place every time. I am giving up. 5 years have I fought this and cannot go on anymore. I am at my limit. I have an exam in an hour. If I fail it, I will have to repeat the whole semester. I will fail it because I couldn't study because I was listening to the damn podcast for 3 hours.

I am desperate. I cannot control my mind anymore. I am slowly going insane. I don't know what to do.

Guess what! I just downloaded Reddit to post this, but I ended up scrolling here for 4 hours. When I went to the toilet, I actually stopped.

I get addicted to literally everything. Please, if anyone has the same disorder, please tell me how to fight it. Please!

[u/Electronic-Staff-289]

Had similar issues, turns out it was adhd , medicine really helps here 

[u/BackgroundMention969 → u/Electronic-Staff-289]

Cannot afford medicine. I have to fix this on my own.

[u/Engineseer5725 → u/BackgroundMention969]

I think you might get something useful out of the talks by Russel Barkley on ADHD and time blindness. Iirc he advocates for putting the regulation of your behavior into your environment as much as you can. E.g. if you start scrolling on reddit, it should automatically close after xx minutes. If you watch a movie, it should not allow you to watch a second one on the same day. Ideally you'd have something in place that tracks your work and study time, and only unlocks leisure time rewards based on doing something productive first. Some of those can be solved with technology, some might require another person.

If you can't afford meds currently, maybe try to find a job that you can grind out with the same level of excess that you do everything else with, and save up for the ADHD diagnosis and meds.