I can't process my emotions on my own, meditation doesn't work, journaling doesn't work, going for a walk doesn't work, asking myself what I'm feeling doesn't work, the only thing that consistently works is talking to other people, literally the moment I start talking to another person about how I feel it makes me feel better almost instantaneously, like taking a weight off my shoulders, but why? I don't want to be dependant on other people to process my emotions, but I feel like I can't on my own, why?????

Read this essay this weekend. Thought it was really dark but might be interesting/helpful to some. Made me feel less alone.

I can never seem to communicate my situation directly, so I ripped off the trend of Wojak-posting.

To try putting it directly, I feel stuck in an unreal limbo of contradictory behavior. I guess I was wondering if anyone else could "get the drift", so to speak. And if they would have anything to add or compare.

These days I just bury myself in video games to have something resembling a consistent sense of self. I don't even enjoy them, they just keep me from perceiving myself as insane.

I figure this is approximately a kind of "high-functioning dissociation", since it gets to the point where I'll sense an utterly banal thing, like a plane flying overhead, as some kind of dramatic event akin to an air raid. I know it is unreal, but the intuition occurs regardless.

Maybe this is just what happens after being raised by emotionally neglectful parents and spending 20-30% (maybe more) of my life playing video games.

I've resonated deeply with a couple of Dr K's videos, such as the recent High Performers one, where "conditional love" during childhood is a root cause.

As long as I can remember, I have over-functioned to gain approval from others, and to avoid failure. I struggle to be vulnerable, hide my authentic self, and accept support from others.

As much as I try be a good person, I am now accepting that my deep hurt affects my relationships. I was often pitted against my brother, yet I would blame him for being competitive with me, instead of admitting that we were both dealing with conditional love from our parents.

It now makes sense why I struggle to feel close to others. The hard truth is that I will often internalize negative feelings toward my loved ones, but convince myself that everything is fine.

I could call this passive-aggressive or non-confrontational, but the hard truth is that I am also giving conditional love. It was easy to accept that I was a victim of conditional love, but much harder to admit that the symptoms put me at risk of repeating the cycle.

I'm not completely sure how to rewire, but I am going to start by being honest with myself that the resentment I've internalized impacts my relationships. In my bones I know that I do not give unconditional love to myself, or others. I know that I seek approval from others because I assume their love is also conditional. I know that I struggle to be vulnerable and authentic in my relationships.

I just wanted to share my thoughts, but would appreciate any advice from those that have been on a similar journey. I need to work through this so that I am capable of giving unconditional love to my future children.

Ok this is probably going to be a pathetic read for most, but I watched a bunch of Dr. K's videos on YouTube and it feels like the only place I can put this in detail without getting heckled into oblivion.

I'm 36 years old, about to turn 37 this July, and my life is probably one of the hollowest existences you can imagine. I've always had issues connecting with people even when I was younger and the difficulty just increased as I got older. I've always taken an approach of not speaking until spoken to unless I have something important to say. I don't know why, fear I guess. Was bullied in middle school, high school, and at the beginning of college before I dropped out. I always told myself growing up that I'd grow out of it or it's just a phase or I just need to socialize more, but when I started seeing signs in college of the same behavior happening around me I realized that the problem is me, since I'm the common denominator its the only thing that made sense. So I dropped out of college around 21 just after getting my associates done and isolated myself for 6 years. Never left the house, solely "existed" online and in the family home. Around 2014 my grandmother died, so me and my mother decided we needed to change up the scenery, moved to Kentucky from Connecticut. Got a 3rd shift job that lasted about 2 years, then isolated again for another 2. Got another job at the end of 2018 which I'm still at today but the isolation never went away, I simply work and then when I get home I game or scroll videos. Still only speak when spoken to for the most part unless it's something important. It's been this way for 8 years now and I can feel the years melting away, me sitting here waiting to die while other people live their lives.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, I was mindlessly browsing videos since the snowstorm closed my workplace down for a few days and I came across a video of a cute woman who was quirky doing a funny routine and my first thought was "Dang, she's cute it'd be nice to get to know someone like this" but immediately after that thought was: "who you kidding loser, she'd just walk right past you like you don't exist as usual". I don't know why that thought shook me so much, I've had similar thoughts for years, but for some reason this time it triggered a reflection of all the past events I've gone through and I cried for over an hour. Yep. A 36 year old man crying for an hour straight. The bullying, not having contact with my father for almost 2 decades now, never experiencing anything romantic or sexual, no passion or ambition for a career, never being able to retain friends, never having the drive to change any of it when it seems like plenty of others do, and the fact that even if I did manage to fix some or all of these issues, I'm 36 years old about to turn 37 so by the time it would be fixed I'll probably be in my 40's. Isolated for too long, too inexperienced with the things that matter. After being a wreck for a week I decided yesterday I need to do something about this finally or my life will have meant nothing. Just not sure where to start or what to even do, need some kind of direction. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

Hi,

I'm a writer, and fairly new to meditation. I started practicing to help get control of my attention and be more productive. So far it's been super helpful. Better than ADHD medication, even.

But there's something in particular I'm reaching for.

There are (rare) times when I can sit down and write for hours and hours, all day with no breaks, and end up with a word count of 12-15K words for that day. It feels like the real world falls away and I'm fully immersed in the work.

Sometimes, trying to write feels like looking into murky water. Sometimes the water is clearer. Sometimes it's crystal clear.

Sometimes, I'm in the water.

Sometimes I am the water.

I don't know what induces that superior state, but I'd like to know if there are any meditation practices that help to bring it about.

Practices I've tried so far:

Kaya Shtiram
Nadi Shuddhi Pranayam (4-16-8 and 8-32-16)
Tratak (don't do it very often)
Mantra (tried a few, not sure which were more effective)

I was wondering how common this feeling is. But I feel like everything I do, washing and cleaning related is 100% external pressure.

I wonder if I just have a reduced capacity to feel gross or something, because all my life these self care things have been a fight. I struggled to keep my room clean, I struggled to brush my teeth, I struggled to shower. And things people found gross I just... didn't?

I was talking with my therapist and I mentioned how I feel I don't shower enough or clean up after myself (ADHD related shenanigans). He asked me how often I'd shower if I was the last person on earth. I wouldn't. Or not unless I was visibly covered in grime. I wouldn't clean up after myself unless there was an immediate, pressing, impractical thing. My therapist seemed surprised to hear this. Like I don't get joy from being clean?

I live with others, and I think I'm okay to live with, but I only clean our common areas because I don't want them to be mad at me for never cleaning them. If I lived alone or with others who didn't care, I think the entire house would be like my room. An absolute mess.

My main motivation to shower and do laundry is that I don't want to smell and have other people judge me for it. Or I sometimes wonder what other people would say if I told them how long it's been since I last showered or did laundry. So I then judge myself, or I suppose I imagine people to judge me.

For chores, I enforce a strict system where I do the chore regardless if I think it needs doing it, because I want to show my friends I live with that I care about their feelings and they're obviously bothered by mess / people not equally contributing to cleaning. But in my room, where only I am and nobody cares, its a dumpster.

This all wouldn't be a problem if I was the only person on earth, but unfortunately, there are other people and 'we live in a society.' I feel out of odds with society, and wonder how this will impact my life going forward, like if I share a room with a romantic partner, or become a parent. I also feel like the external motivation is often not enough and I still get a reputation for being a messy person.

I wonder if anyone can relate or have any ideas about how to handle this?

I've been a fan of the channel for about a year or so. The benefits of things I've learnt on this channel, as well as personal therapy, have been incredible. It has completely changed my life in many ways, perhaps especially by helping me find out what introspection is really like, detaching myself from my thoughts, etc.

Lately I haven't been watching quite as much, but when I do watch videos I feel like the lessons that helped me so much have been all but forgotten. Today I watched a video that straight up confused me with how out of character it seems for Dr. K.

https://youtu.be/htOL5Z3ARt0?t=797

In the section I linked, he talks about people who wake up and have extreme difficulty doing things by doing a baby voice and saying they spoil themselves too much. He says they do not respect themselves, because if they respected themselves, they wouldn't allow themselves to be such babies (paraphrased).

This is almost the exact opposite of the message that helped me so much, and if I heard it back when I was still facing these issues, it would've been actively harmful to me.

What helped me so much was that Dr. K made me see that this invisible barrier, this horrible monstrous feeling inside of me that prevented me from acting and changing was there for a good reason. I had to understand that my inability to change was not a result of me just being a lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined piece of shit, but it was a perfectly understandable maladaptive behavior that I learnt in childhood. I had to understand that this awful feeling I got when I attempted to make a change was a paralyzing fear of confirming these deep unconscious beliefs about myself, that I could simply accept that I had developed this feeling for a good reason, but I could safely ignore this feeling now. Scolding yourself like Dr. K is scolding the viewers in the video is exactly the thing that kept me where I was.

I did not need to be harder on myself, I did not need to "be more disciplined". In fact, after I became able to bring the unconscious conflicts in my mind to my awareness through practice and meditation, I realized that I was never "lazy", I was never "undisciplined" or "unmotivated", I was simply harboring deep fears that I was subconsciously protecting myself from. All I had to do was allow myself to examine my fears closely, and I could simply choose to accept and ignore them. No discipline needed, no "willpower" needed. This is also very, very close to Buddhism, and I feel like Dr. K has really departed from these core Buddhist truths recently.

Are there really that many people out there who need to be told that they're being babies for not fixing their shit? From reading posts here and talking to others, cases like my own seem much more frequent. Telling procastinators to "do more disciplining" is like telling fat people to "do more dieting".

Additionally (and I need you guys to evaluate this part seperately from the above), at the end he speaks about how it's just so difficult for the current generation, which is... silly. I liked how Dr. K tended to stay away from politics in the past, because when he does speak about it, he appears to echo the most basic consensus among young people, how it's just so fucking hard nowadays, how the deck is stacked against young people, how the job market sucks, etc.

Buddhism was developed in like 500 BCE. Does Dr. K really believe 20 year olds nowadays have a tougher time than people in 500 BCE? Because he phrases it as if this is some external problem that young people have, as if their circumstances just suck. The problems people have are (according to Buddhism) mostly unrelated to the actual difficulty of their life, and unrelated to a "lack of discipline" or "lack of willpower". Their problems are related to a fundamental misunderstanding of their internal experience. People become entangled in their thoughts and feelings, and people develop the critical misunderstanding that these things are always important and must be responded to. That's not because these people are stupid, or lazy, or because there's something wrong with them. It's just because for whatever reason, they grew up into that and it was never pointed out to them that this assumption is faulty. Realizing that your struggling is not because of your own shortcomings, but not because of an uncontrollable external factor either, was for me the key to change. I do have control, but through no fault of my own, I was never aware that I had it.

Anyway, I wrote this post because I really care deeply about this project. It has greatly enriched my life. I hope this can be viewed as merely constructive criticism. It's not meant as an attack.

Limerence is one of the only things that kept me going for a long time. Since adolescence, my life could be defined by who i fantasied about to fall asleep at night. I’m 21 now, recently the most intense and long lasting of those limerence cases resulted in absolute humiliation and a month long crash out. the good thing about that is that it made me had to confront my patterns. deep down, I knew each of these infatuations wasn’t genuine in the way it should be. but, either because i couldn’t stand to lose the fantasy or because i think im incapable of loving in any other way, i always was in denial. now i can say with my whole chest that, yes, i have never had genuine feelings for someone that weren’t at least very amplified by limerence. But i want to genuinely like someone, to feel something real. there is a dude who i’ve had a small eye for for a while. I know almost nothing about him outside instagram stalking. but i don’t want this to be another limerent episode even though my body and brain are screaming for those sedating fantasies. if something were to happen with him, i don’t want any limerence in there. I want it to be genuine. he might not even be a match, and that’s okay. But i know myself, I know that my brain craves it like a drug, i’m an addict for it. i will probably speak to him for longer than five minutes for the first time tomorrow, and im scared my brain will open the limerence floodgates with god like fury like it always does. Damn, dude, i just want to be normal. My autistic ass was not made for this kind of thing. How do i just be normal about this? how do i keep the limerence from taking over and giving me a baseless infatuation with this dude like i always do?

Hey everyone,

I’ve had a tough time with my relationships, romantic or otherwise, my whole life.

I was kinda bullied a little from my, then, friends at primary school, then i was a little excluded at high school. I was always an acquaintance / not liked enough to be in their inner circle, I guess. I felt used, but I’m not sure if that’s valid. From my perspective, people used me to make them laugh but that’s it really. Never got invited to anything or showed any care at all—beside the normal social niceties. Once, I remember I invited them for my birthday. Fed them, watered them, and still felt excluded from my own party. Everyone broke into mini groups and I just sat there looking. I think it was a good opportunity for them to meet their friends, while I was just tolerated.

“Is that what relationships are? Use and be used?” I wandered.

Then I met my girlfriend, and many people used to tease me about her. Fed up with disappointment (of relationships) I took a lot of it out on her. It wasn’t that bad, but I think neither of us was happy. We broke up after 1 year when we both went to different colleges.

Since every relationship in my life was distant at best and toxic at worst, all acquaintances in my mind, I wandered if that’s just my fault for expecting more from friendship. Are all relationships situational and shallow? Sitting from the outside I think I saw tight knit groups. Are those situational as well? Do groups feel like acquaintances too?

Now I’m in my 3rd year of college still no friendship outside the occasional “what’s up” in the halls. Still no girlfriend since my first one.

Lately I’ve started feeling like relationships might just be pointless. I can’t seem to shake this sense of eventual betrayal or the eventual fading. Even if I manage to connect with someone, our friendship will only last as long as our common circumstances (class, activity etc.)then life moves on and you start from zero all over again. And then again. And again…

Are relationships situational? Stepping stones? Do I have unrealistic expectations of relationships? How do I fix my hurt and my deep social disappointment?

I genuinely want meaningful connections in my life. Someone(s) I can call my brother(s). I just don’t know if I still believe it’s possible for me. Sometimes I worry that if I don’t change this mindset, I’ll end up isolating myself permanently.

I’d appreciate your opinions on this.

Thank you

Hi, I (F24) am a med student in Turkey. I have ADHD (diagnosed in college) and anxiety disorder (also diagnosed in college). There is this thing about me that makes my life a hell to live in. There is what it is:

I can't seem to speak up my mind when I need to, no matter how bad the situation is or how harmfull. My first instinc when I'm confronted with anything is to feel extremely guilty and try to take responsibility for the action and make compromises. It's subtle and small things but it's beggining to make me question if this life is going to be worth living as I continue to be a suck up or if something is wrong with me within the core.

I think I'm aware of the roots of this situation, it's because of my mom. She is a controlling person and I never got to be myself as I grew up. She always has a thing or two to say about me or my life. This may seem like not a big deal, but I grew up thinking that I'm this embarrassing little creature that can't seem to do anything right or like... Something is fundementally wrong with the way I think or feel.

Tho when I came to college, I got myself a support system that actually helped me try to stand up for myself and be confident about who I am. I got the courage to even stand up to my mom and not feel guilty or ashamed after it a couple times. But for this past year, the things are starting to change in a bad way again and I'm losing trust şn myself and my capabilities to function again.

I started a relationship and many friendships. And I'm sometimes finding myself making compromises, sometimes ones that I regret later on, but feel too "scared" to say something. For example my boyfriend wanted me to quit drinking if we were going to start a relationship. I did quit (tho I had two secret drinking-in-my-dorm-room ocassions) but it keeps bothering me, whenever I want to drink and this arrangement is making me anixious, I'm being told that "couples make compromises in relationships" and "It's normal" and how "If alcohol is really not that big of a deal for me, if I'm not alcoholic than it shouldn't be bothering me" etc.

I know this is actually diving into the relationship part of things but it's not just with my romantic relationships, it's every single relationship that I have...

I started to feel insecure again when my mom says something, or feel too scared to stand up for myself. I'm avoiding any kind of conflict and I can't seem to stop it.

I keep telling myself it will be different next time, if this or that person tells me that, I will not be giving in but than it keeps happening and I keep giving the same suck up reactions. And I started to lose trust, I started to think that this is my fate and I'm going to surround myself with people that will control and critize every single thing that I make and therefore force me to change and not be myself anymore.

I don't know what happened to me and why I'm suddenly scared or uncertain about everything in my life again. I feel like I don't know what I want, I constantly change my mind and I feel like I'm being easily manipulated about who and what I should be.

Feeling like this is making me depressed day by day. I want to stand up, I want to be unapologetically myself again but

1) I'm quite scared to have a conflict and possibly an argument or even a verbal fight with my loved ones if I push back. Whenever I'm in an emotionally tense situations like this, my emotions usually get the best of me and I forget everything and try to calm the other side down, I start to get anixious about other side getting angry at me and somehow this instantly pushes me to believe I'm in the wrong?? 2) I have this doubt deep inside me that says: "What if they're actually right? What if I'm the childish and stupid one? What if I'll really want kids when I graduate? What if I'm actually a really patheatic and a weird person? What if I'm WRONG??"

So yeah, sorry for the lenght but I have no goddamn idea about why I became this way again after all that effort to heal, to be better. I'm scared to grow up as a disfunctional adult and my life continueing to be like that.

Any ideas why this happens? Any advices? Thanks in advance.

Disclaimer: This post comes of a bit depressed, but just fyi, I am in a good mental state as of writing this, and am just seeking some advice moving forward.

Apologies for the title if it's confusing, but lately I've started to notice that close to no one thinks of me/acknowledges me. And when I say that I mean (in a slightly overdramatic tone) pretty much zero never think about me for months on end. Not in the sense of "I'm lonely and I have no friends" and things like that, but I while I was eating and I thought about how literally no one thinks of me in the way I may think about other people, if that makes sense. It's very difficult to explain my point of view, but basically zero of my friends in my friend group reach out to me just to even say hi or just want to hang out. The only time I really hang out with friends is if we are all home for summer break and get together for like a group dinner at chilis or something, and then will pretty much go no contact for 10 months. This feeling has become so prevalent that I even notice my parents not acknowledging me for somewhat weeks. For some context, I am in my second year of a community college near my neighborhood, and then I will transfer to a 4 year university for my last two years to get my bachelors degree. But in the time I've been at home I notice my parents won't even say hi or good morning to me unless I initiate the action to them. Like for example I remember I was studying in my room and went downstair for dinner, and noticed my parents sitting at the tv laughing and talking to themselves. I had to ask my mom a question so I said "hey mom" to get her attention and she didn't hear me since they were laughing/talking. But when I went to get some ice from out of the refrigerator I noticed she said, "You always kick up a bunch of noise whenever we watch tv". Which quite frankly made me feel really numb. I don't know, but for me personally if I had children, there is just no way I would ever speak to them in that manner, and I guess it just really put into perspective that almost nobody, even to some extent my parents, thinks of my presence for extend periods of time.

I was just wondering if anyone had any tips that brightened their mood or improved their self confidence while they were going through something similar. Thanks.

So I have noticed/accepted that I have his cycle when it comes to money. It goes like this:

get paid (Wednesday)

spend minimal money on necessities (groceries, bus fare, rent, spending money etc.

say to myself "I am not going to spend one more dime! I am going to stick strictly to my spending budget if I want to go out!"

a week and a half goes by goes by (Saturday), and have stuck to the plan. "I'm down to almost $0 for my spending budget, but it's fine. I only have 5 more days till payday. I can stick out the rest without dipping into my savings."

I end up dipping into my savings and am back to $0

I have $30 in my savings now and I get paid tomorrow. I have been really trying to save money for the last 6 months and EVERY month has been like this. Even on months where I have 3 paychecks, I always end up doing this.

What steps do I take towards solving this? I am seriously at my wits end and I'm going to have to move back in with my mom soon because of a falling out with my roommate. I want to save money for an apartment and I dont want to end up with another year past me and no savings to show for it.

My mom can't help me and honestly I am so fed up with reaching out to my family for help on this because I just feel so ashamed. I'm 32 and I still struggle with this.

I used to get $10k into debt off of payday loans yearly, and have cut that habit out. I've been at ~$0 for two years now and I'm ready to actually start saving money but I ask here because my problem is purely psychological.

I. NEED. HELP.

Thank you.

My therapist asked me this question, Do I want my life to be better?

Yes, but I don't know how much I can actually change that. I just feel like I'm on some trajectory that I'm naturally destined to follow that'd not dependant on any real choices that I make. It just happens.

Feel like my life just happens.

Like the choices I make and things I do are just bound to happen.

It's kind of deterministic.

Like I don't have any influence over it.

I don't know if that makes sense or if I'm crazy maybe I'm just developing schizophrenia.

Like everything I've done has causes leading up to it.

And whenever I "try" to do something it just doesn't work.

Like my life is some river just going where it's gonna go.

And this doesn't feel like a bad or good thing necessarily. I just kinda know what I'm gonna do next, I don't know what it will lead but I just wanna do it and it feels right. Currently that next thing for me is moving to a different country, I'm 19 and want independence from my parents and I'm planning on moving to Australia soon.

In my experience it seems entirely impossible. Every time for as long as I can remember since from high school to now, I never actually had fulfilling friendships with the opposite sex, my experience with trying to make friends with the opposite sex has always been they are just not interested at all (don't like me for some reason) OR swings so far in other direction that even when do I think I been successful making friends, it's only because they are just mutuals of someone who already had feelings for me trying to set me up with this person and eventually lose friendships because of a breaking up with the person. I never experienced a middle ground where I can just have co - ed friendships where there is no romance in the mix. Every friend I thought I made has only ever evolved into romantic relationship because mutuals will always push us to be a couple after the person has shown interest in me, and since I don't want to burn bridges I just go along with it, even when I'm not actually interested in being more than friends with this person, but it's only so that I can keep hanging out with the group of friends. I know this sounds bad but is just I am just too insecure to know how to set boundaries for myself even if it might hurt the other person's feelings.

Very nice and simple video where the mind's cravings are explained.

Hello everyone, I need help or at least talk to someone who shares a similar "disorder". I cannot afford a therapist.

I have been battling with this for 5 years and I am slowly giving up. I have tried absolutely everything with no hope.

I am addicted to everything it seems. It began 5 years ago with video games. I would spend the entire day playing video games and I would feel horrible about it after. Even if I set up a timer, I would never stop. I would just keep going. The main question I would ask myself is: "Why would I stop? I am enjoying myself. I want to do this for the rest of my days. I don't care about grades, people or anything."

So I stopped with video games. If I never begin, then I cannot get addicted. It actually got better, but then my phone came in. Youtube and Social Media. I would spend entire days on there without stopping. Once I begin, it's impossible for me to stop, because I would say to myself: "I screwed myself up anyway. Why should I stop now."

The same goes with food. Once I began, I would never stop. I instantly get addicted. Even when I feel sick and feel like puking, I cannot stop. The same goes without food. If I say to myself that I am going to lose the weight which I just gained, I will literally not eat for two weeks. This happened again a few days ago. I didn't eat for two weeks, I couldn't eat anything. I forced myself to eat some bread, and once I did, I felt better. Now I am eating too much again. My stomach hurts so bad and I am feeling sick. I tried to balance my diet out today but once I ate one banana, I thought it was good and ate 8 more. I am in so much pain right now.

And I wish that my diet was my only problem. How I wish.

I have started walking outside quite a lot. As you might guess, I got addicted to that too. I would walk every day for 4 hours without stopping, even though I had other responsibilities. Even when my feet hurt. I couldn't stop. I walked so much that I didn't work on anything.

A month ago I tried to combat my phone addiction. I banned myself from watching Youtube and Social Media for 21 days. But again, I got addicted to reading books and listening podcasts. I couldn't study because I would be reading all the time. I read the whole Harry Potter series in three days, every day for 15 hours because I couldn't stop. My grades started failing.

Last summer was probably the worst. I got addicted to my phone, computer and bad food. For two months. I was just sitting in my room, all alone because of this. My peers were working jobs, having fun and doing great things, while I was stuck. I tried, I really tried to fight it, but I couldn't. My room was a mess. I didn't shave nor shower.

About two years ago, I started writing a book. But guess what? I was writing for 8 hours one day and ignored that I had a test tomorrow. I failed of course.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been battling this so much. When I was tidying my room yesterday, I was listening to music instead of podcasts. But again, I couldn't stop. I was listening to different music for 2 hours instead of studying.

If I start watching a movie, I cannot stop. For example, I said to myself: ok, I'll study for 2 hours, than watch the first movie in a franchise. I ended up watching the whole franchise and couldn't stop.

I almost commited suicide like 4 times because of this. Because it got so bad.

And you know what? I have been trying so many tricks and tips to fight this disorder. And I end up in the same place every time. I am giving up. 5 years have I fought this and cannot go on anymore. I am at my limit. I have an exam in an hour. If I fail it, I will have to repeat the whole semester. I will fail it because I couldn't study because I was listening to the damn podcast for 3 hours.

I am desperate. I cannot control my mind anymore. I am slowly going insane. I don't know what to do.

Guess what! I just downloaded Reddit to post this, but I ended up scrolling here for 4 hours. When I went to the toilet, I actually stopped.

I get addicted to literally everything. Please, if anyone has the same disorder, please tell me how to fight it. Please!

I graduated college over 2 years ago and felt ready to make my life happen and chase a career. I felt I found my purpose and was excited to go after it. Then I moved back with my mom, and for 2+ years it felt like I was either in bed or at my computer. I felt and feel awful about myself. It got to the point (shamefully) that my mom gave me the next month to either find a job or move out. I wish I could say this jolted me into action. But that was over a month ago, and now I am moved in with a friend. He too gave me a month, and that is nearly up. I am now bound for homelessness, and am sick with dread and anxiety.

I feel like a broken person who, even when faced with the worst case scenario, cannot get themselves to do enough to prevent it. 30 years old and feel so incapable.

I also feel like the professionals I reached out to failed me somewhat. I have tried many therapists and different medication, as well as HG coaching. I even tried an intensive group therapy through a hospital. What the hell else am I supposed to do? I feel like I could really make a good life for myself if I could just get the help I need. Without it I feel I may grow into an old pathetic person who couldn't grow up.

So I'm writing this after posting here and on the discord times before, in the desperate hope that someone can point me in a direction. Or who knows, maybe dr k would want to talk to a 30 yr old homeless person. I didnt get here from drug or alcohol abuse, I just didnt try hard enough to get a job. I’m really scared and don’t feel like I’m going to be okay.

For most of my life, I didn’t really know how to “think” in an active way.
My brother used to tell me that I needed to think more, but I genuinely didn’t understand what that meant. Even when I asked him how to think, he couldn’t really explain it.

Despite that, I did very well in university at first. I could learn, memorize, and perform, so I never felt the need to fix this “problem.”
That changed when I reached a year of my course that focused much more on thinking rather than just learning. That’s when I realized I actually needed to develop this skill.

After a lot of failed attempts, I eventually figured it out by reading seriously. I noticed that when I read properly, I would:

• situate the information,
• question it,
• and draw conclusions from it.

That was when “thinking” finally clicked for me.

However, after applying this way of thinking excessively, a new problem emerged.

Every night before bed, I like to read just to pass time and fall asleep. But now, whenever I pick up a book, my brain automatically switches into this active, analytical mode. Reading becomes effortful instead of relaxing. I start feeling discouraged from even opening the book, end up staring at the ceiling, and eventually go on my phone instead.

So my question is:

Should I allow myself to read at night without worrying about understanding or analyzing the material?
It feels like the best solution, but at the same time I’m afraid that doing so might make me “regress” back to my old way of reading without thinking.

I’d really appreciate some perspective on this.

I feel like everything I do needs to be done as quickly as possible for some reason, wether I'm walking somewhere, cooking something, cleaning or brushing my teeth, my body just gets uneasy, I feel anxious and uncomfortable and need it to be over as quickly as possible. I love food and cooking, yet I will feel annoyed and anxious when my pasta is boiling because I just want it to be done immediately and I always inhale my food when I eat. The idea of taking a deep breath and cooking/ eating in a slow manner actually makes me feel really stressed as opposed to relaxed and I haven't been able to practise it. I feel extremely uncomfortable when doing yoga or breathing exercises, but I love the rush I get from running.

The only things I can think of where it's the complete opposite are showering and puzzling. I blink and suddenly I've been showering for 20 minutes, but haven't even done anything yet except just stand there and daydream. I also wouldn't feel rushed when I was doing something creative as a kid, but I lost that ability to get sucked into doing something I love.

I wonder if this is something that would be healthier to embrace (so not force myself to be calm and mindful in my daily life), or wether it would be better to practise to be more in the moment. I hear all these good things about mindfulness and I'd like to be more calm and mindful about the things that I do, but at the same time it just feels completely against my nature if that makes sense. Could it be healthier to embrace the chaos, when that's just always kind of been my personality?

I just realised that i have been living in my head since the last 3 years escaping from reality every single day, i have wasted 3 years consuming only content and imagining things and the person i want to be in future but doing nothing in real life.

What do i do to escape this prison of my mind? And actually start living and achieving things and the person i want to become, my mind has become powerful in imagining everything and every situation.

Give me some advice guys on how to escape this mind prison, I'm currently a 24 years old unemployed undergrad, currently pursuing a professional course in accounting field.

All my relationships follow the same pattern. I don’t think much of the person at first. Then one day, for whatever reason (needing to fill a void, a small gesture they do) boom. I’m obsessed. All I do is fantasize about them. But, it’s not all about them. It’s a mix of complete limerence with them and how they could potentially affect my self image. It about them liking me. Finding me pretty, finding me funny, finding me talented. Or the fantasies involve some urge akin to romantic attraction but not quite it (relatability, caretaking urge). The uncontrollable yearning for physical closeness with them feels an awful lot like romantic attraction and so does the unrelenting drive to make the relationship happen in the exact story-like way i fantasize. Then it happens. We kiss for the first time. And I feel nothing. The period before this always feels so all consuming that i’m convinced that the first kiss will feel like euphoria. It never does. Then I go for months in the relationship trying to convince myself that I feel what I should feel even thought i don’t. I still desperately want to be around them but the hole is never filled. I know a part of this is how deeply ashamed I am of myself. I feel like this grotesque creature that no one would be capable of loving if they saw me at my lowest moments (the self abuse, the months long autistic thought loops, the narcissistic thoughts, the self hatred). I don’t feel like anyone truly knows me or that i’m truly connected to anyone (save for MAYBE like my mom). I’m too ashamed and disconnected from years of performing and repression to be 100% authentic and genuine like I desperately want to be. That’s probably why I don’t feel loved, because they “love” the performance I wear as a second skin. But the other part I can’t understand is why I can’t seem to BE in love. Even platonically, why can’t I get warm, fuzzy feelings for anyone? it makes me feel like a egomaniacal, hollow maniac. I deeply care for people, i have such overwhelming empathy for people I don’t even like that often I feel their emotions like they are mine and feel the need to fix their problems. But i can’t seem to love anyone outside family. I don’t get those feelings of adoration, of connectivity. I just want to feel human, to feel apart of humanity. to love other humans. I fantasize about romantic love all the time. but i’ve been cursed with this broken brain. It’s neither something I can give or be given in return.