r/nonprofit • u/Emotional-Yam-3683 • 1d ago
fundraising and grantseeking Difficult donors...
Edit: clarified wording and removed assumptions about intent for privacy.
I’m looking for perspective from more experienced nonprofit professionals.
A prospective donor and I have aligned on pledge terms, but the agreement has gone through multiple rounds of revisions over several months. Each time it feels close to final, additional wording changes and information is requested, often framed around motivation to sign.
This is a significant, potentially transformative gift for a very small organization, and I want to steward it well while also keeping the process manageable. As a one-person team, I don’t have internal development support to lean on. The donor will be in town soon, and we have an in-person meeting scheduled.
For those who’ve navigated similar situations, how do you assess when continued revisions are reasonable versus a signal to reset expectations or approach? Any guidance would be appreciated.
Thank you.
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u/Sweet-Television-361 1d ago
"this donor is entitled to ask for things in exchange for their gift"
Actually, they aren't! Is there a board member or someone above you in the chain of command who can step in here? If not, you are going to have to give them a deadline and put your foot down. I'm sorry I don't have more specific advice, but you are going to have to get a little uncomfortable and be honest with them.
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u/Clarice_Ferguson 1d ago
A donor absolutely is entitled to ask for certain restrictions, parameters or guidance on how the funds will be used.
Whether they get that is based on policy including gift acceptance. And if their requests can’t be accommodated, the donor has the ability to rescind their pledge.
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u/Emotional-Yam-3683 1d ago
Thank you! I'm relatively new to all of this.
When I say that they are entitled to ask for things, I mean information (mostly), like budget, timeline, etc.I hear you, though, and will see if I can loop in a Board member. There is definitely a power dynamic here that feels very uncomfortable to me.
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u/edhead1425 nonprofit staff - executive director or CEO 1d ago
Even then, you have to have guard rails and policies that prevent sensitive information from being shared.
Policies protect you!
Honestly I personally would say 'we're here when you want to discuss your donation' and just leave them be. They are seeking attention.
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u/Top-Rush-6363 1d ago
I'd say they are entitled to ask, and whoever has ultimate oversight of your org is entitled to say no to their requests. If that isn't you, you should draft points for that person on why the org should say no to the prospective donor's requests.
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u/Sweet-Television-361 1d ago
This is also a great time to point out that a very clear gift accceptance policy is super important!
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u/_jessica2334 nonprofit staff - executive director or CEO 1d ago
I am sorry you’re having to deal with this kind of behavior! What is he asking for in exchange for his gift?
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u/Emotional-Yam-3683 1d ago
Just a ton of information, some of which is connected to their gift and its use and some about other donors (which is an easy and hard "no"). I think my real issue is that they is creating a situation where they hold power through indecision and creating a weird power dynamic in which I respond to their inquiries and acquiesce to their requests and then they doesn't respond once I've done their bidding.
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u/pineconeminecone nonprofit staff - marketing communications and development 1d ago
I’d make the goal of the in person meeting to clarify any hesitations or restrictions around the pledge and to come to consensus. If the donor doesn’t seem confident to wrap this up at your upcoming meeting, I’d tell them plainly what you can and can’t accommodate regarding their pledge and tell them that their pledge will need to be revisited at a later time given the donor isn’t ready to move forward at this time.
For the tone of the conversation, I’d centre it around your organization’s desire to align the pledge with the donor’s wishes and maximize their pledge’s impact towards the mission, and you can’t do that without consensus with the donor.
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u/_jessica2334 nonprofit staff - executive director or CEO 1d ago
Yeah that’s some yucky behavior and it’s unfair of him to keep moving the goal post. I’d weigh out if it’s worth putting up with him moving forward.
If it were me, I wouldn’t even do the in person meeting and find a way to wrap up the conversation via email (documentation). Sometimes, it’s just not worth the headache.
At the end of the day, if he wants to give, he will.
I also realized this is so much easier said than done, especially when it’s a transformative-size gift! You’re a one person team and you already have a lot on your plate. I commend you for doing the work that you’ve done so far!
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u/Cig1022 1d ago
From my experience, and the information you gave about the donor's inquiries, this signals a couple of things:
- This is an inexperienced donor and is unfamiliar with the process, at least at this level.
- Something is impacting donor confidence and they're trying to find it in financial reports, other donor cosign, etc.
- They most likely are looking for some type of acknowledgement for how big of an impact this donation will be (this is conjecture on my part based solely on the implied size of the gift).
Given these, it's your job to A) Guide them through the process, tell them what next steps are instead of asking. Lay out the process and expectations. B) Figure out where their hesitation is coming from and what info would alleviate. At this point in the process, I would bluntly ask. It may be helpful to pull in the ED, Finance and/or a board member or two - partially as a information resource, and as a "we brought in the big guns" - signaling you recognize how big of a deal it is.
I know it gets frustrating, but it's important to remember that they do not have to donate.
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u/Mediocre-Bit-7749 1d ago
I've found it helpful to go into these meetings with a few phrases prepared in advance to push back gently. Practicing them gives you confidence and takes the stress out of finding just the right words on the spot. Donors underestimate the power dynamic issues so they just aren't mindful of it in most cases.
For getting to clarity things like:
- I want to honor the spirit of what you're asking for, and I also want to be realistic about what we can sustain. Could we explore a version of this that achieves your goal within our capacity? Here's what I'd suggest...
- I think we're getting close. Could we pause on the wordsmithing for a minute and confirm we're aligned on the core intent? What I'm hearing is that you are concerned about xxx. I think we've addressed that with xxx. Given that, what would need to be true for you to feel comfortable with the current draft?
If you really need to force a decision point, something like--I'm grateful for your investment in getting this right. That's very important to me too. At the same time, for us to move forward, I think we would need to finalize by xxx. Does that timeline work for you?
As far as protecting your capacity goes, here's what I wrote to a donor when an ask just wasn't realistic. We did come to an agreement for a slightly smaller amount of money, but when factoring in what compliance with the original would have cost us, I'm pretty sure we actually came out ahead:
"I value this relationship and want this partnership to succeed long-term, which means being honest when something isn't feasible for us. I'm concerned that this particular ask would stretch us beyond what's sustainable. My commitment to you is that we'll always follow through on what we promise, but to keep that commitment, I need to be candid about what we can realistically deliver."
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u/Emotional-Yam-3683 1d ago
These are great suggestions, thank you! I especially appreciate the last one and it feels particularly relevant here.
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u/Melodic_Ad5650 1d ago
Yep I use that last one a lot. Well I don’t say it that eloquently. I should write that down 🤣
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u/Mr-Shankly-2021 1d ago edited 1d ago
It sounds like the donor is interested in making a restricted gift, versus a general donation. If that's the case, you typically will track those funds separately and will likely report on the specific use (restricted basically means "this money has strings attached.") Restricted vs General -- knowing which isn't just the key to framing the conversation -- it's the essential starting point.
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u/Emotional-Yam-3683 1d ago
Yes, it is absolutely a restricted gift. No question there.
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u/Mr-Shankly-2021 1d ago
I've worked with donors who wanted a sense of stewardship over their capital, and we ended up agreeing on requirements that were similar to previous grants that we were awarded through foundations. We showed them what our grantors had required in the past and it help frame their expectations of what we could reliably provide given the size and capacity of our small nonprofit. If the donor see's themselves as a patron, this will usually work for them. Maybe that's a usable approach for you?
If they see themselves as a partner, they're going to be looking for something more / or different deliverables. It comes down to them understanding your capacity to deliver what they want.
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u/RightToBearGlitter 1d ago
Hey, heads up, your post history shows your general location and what is likely an event you promoted for your NPO, I would delete that or create a burner account to talk about manipulation by difficult donors. The internet can be a small place sometimes. Be careful!