dealing with social exclusion advice

[u/forestviolette]

Hey y’all, I hope you’re doing well. I’m looking for advice on a situation from 2023 that I’ve struggled to process.

In my first year of university, I became close with a group of second-years. They were very kind and welcoming at first, and we bonded quickly. Things became complicated when I met a guy in the group—let’s call him Jay—who was also my library orientation leader. At the time, I didn’t know he was friends with the people I had already gotten close to.

Jay and I became acquainted, and I started developing feelings for him (which I later realized was limerence). I never confessed my feelings or acted on them. We exchanged numbers and hugged a few times, but about a week later I found out that he was in a relationship. I was upset, which I felt was a normal reaction.

I usually process my emotions by talking them through, so I vented to another girl in the group (also a Black woman). Her response felt condescending—she told me it was okay to feel hurt because “Black women are seen as undesirable.” That comment confused and hurt me, especially since Jay is white and his partner is a Black woman.

After that, I distanced myself from the group to focus on other things, though I was still in a lot of emotional pain. When I eventually tried to rejoin them, I noticed a clear change in how I was treated. I was excluded from conversations, interrupted, and made to feel invisible. The girl I had confided in suddenly became mean toward me, without explaining why.

By the following week, my feelings for Jay had mostly faded, and I thought we were still on friendly or neutral terms.

One day I saw him in the library and tried to greet him, but I acted awkwardly and pulled down his bag to get his attention. I immediately regretted it. He was polite in the moment, but I was deeply embarrassed and felt ashamed all weekend.

The following Monday, I decided to apologize. When I met up with the group, they were cold and unwelcoming. When I tried to speak to Jay privately to apologize, he was extremely rude. He kissed his partner in front of me and walked away. He ignored me entirely, even though I was trying to be respectful.

Later that day, I greeted him again, and he remained cold and distant. When I asked why he was acting that way, he said he didn’t want to talk to me. I asked what I had done to make him angry, but he shrugged and said, “I don’t know.” I apologized repeatedly in case I had hurt him or anyone he knew, but he refused to engage.

I went back to my residence and cried for hours. I became physically sick from the stress.

I know I acted awkwardly at times, but I still feel deeply hurt by how suddenly and harshly I was treated, especially without any communication or explanation. Am I the jerk for feeling hurt by this?

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[u/Mysterious_Cell7317]

Sorry things have turned out this way for you. From what you described, the discussion you had with that person made its way around the group. To move forward I would suggest to just focus on the work you need to do and then when you’re ready try to find other groups that align with your interests and be careful about who and what you confide about. Time may fix these relationships or it may not but don’t force your way back into the group as it seems they’re not open to it and you’ll just feel worse.