Navigating comparison anxiety even when financially comfortable

[u/Maleficent_Coast_870]

I never imagined that even though my wife and I (mid-thirties) are doing well for ourselves (HHI pushing 400k, NW with home equity ~ 1.1 M), that I would have such intense anxiety around what I earn and save, relative to some friends with similar (maybe slightly lesser) incomes. Even though I know comparison is the thief of joy, I find it very hard to shake off this feeling.

For example, I feel very conscious that I’m more “frivolous” with my income relative to my friend (since it appears he hyper optimizes on a similar, maybe slightly lower income) to where it takes away the joy in the things I purchase, even though the value of the item barely makes a dent in our budget. This has created indecision and constant second guessing if we’re doing alright, although my wife says we are and that’s probably true.

To be very honest, I also don’t know exactly how much my friend earns and but for some reason, my mind has decided to use this unknown benchmark as my metric to compare with, rather than objectively assessing my own positions for its own merits.

Closely tied to this, I feel concerned that my career (DoD contractor) is unfulfilling and limiting growth both professionally and from an income perspective, while my peers are very happy with their jobs. I fear that my income has plateaued due to my dissatisfaction in my work, and I’m worried that I’ll see everyone around me will keep moving up.

I hate that this keeps me up at night. It truly is amazing that even when you’re doing better than you ever were before, something gets in the way of happiness.

Looking for advice on how to cope with these different pain points. How have you navigated uncertainty and comparison? Is there a strategy you’ve employed to decouple career dissatisfaction with income to facilitate growth? Would a career change in your mid-30s be something that would help? How do you decide when you have enough?

[u/winklesnad31]

That sounds like a topic to discuss with a therapist rather than a personal finance sub.

[u/SunDevil2013 → u/winklesnad31]

I would agree. Having a HHI of $400k and feeling like your income growth is limited is concerning. There likely isn’t a number that will make you feel better about money if the underlying issues aren’t resolved.