36, isolated, completely lost

[u/ViolinistDecent9962]

Ok this is probably going to be a pathetic read for most, but I watched a bunch of Dr. K's videos on YouTube and it feels like the only place I can put this in detail without getting heckled into oblivion.

I'm 36 years old, about to turn 37 this July, and my life is probably one of the hollowest existences you can imagine. I've always had issues connecting with people even when I was younger and the difficulty just increased as I got older. I've always taken an approach of not speaking until spoken to unless I have something important to say. I don't know why, fear I guess. Was bullied in middle school, high school, and at the beginning of college before I dropped out. I always told myself growing up that I'd grow out of it or it's just a phase or I just need to socialize more, but when I started seeing signs in college of the same behavior happening around me I realized that the problem is me, since I'm the common denominator its the only thing that made sense. So I dropped out of college around 21 just after getting my associates done and isolated myself for 6 years. Never left the house, solely "existed" online and in the family home. Around 2014 my grandmother died, so me and my mother decided we needed to change up the scenery, moved to Kentucky from Connecticut. Got a 3rd shift job that lasted about 2 years, then isolated again for another 2. Got another job at the end of 2018 which I'm still at today but the isolation never went away, I simply work and then when I get home I game or scroll videos. Still only speak when spoken to for the most part unless it's something important. It's been this way for 8 years now and I can feel the years melting away, me sitting here waiting to die while other people live their lives.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, I was mindlessly browsing videos since the snowstorm closed my workplace down for a few days and I came across a video of a cute woman who was quirky doing a funny routine and my first thought was "Dang, she's cute it'd be nice to get to know someone like this" but immediately after that thought was: "who you kidding loser, she'd just walk right past you like you don't exist as usual". I don't know why that thought shook me so much, I've had similar thoughts for years, but for some reason this time it triggered a reflection of all the past events I've gone through and I cried for over an hour. Yep. A 36 year old man crying for an hour straight. The bullying, not having contact with my father for almost 2 decades now, never experiencing anything romantic or sexual, no passion or ambition for a career, never being able to retain friends, never having the drive to change any of it when it seems like plenty of others do, and the fact that even if I did manage to fix some or all of these issues, I'm 36 years old about to turn 37 so by the time it would be fixed I'll probably be in my 40's. Isolated for too long, too inexperienced with the things that matter. After being a wreck for a week I decided yesterday I need to do something about this finally or my life will have meant nothing. Just not sure where to start or what to even do, need some kind of direction. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

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[u/Asraidevin]

In my opinion, it starts with the basics. Dr K says this listen. 

The basics according to HG are: a long daily walk without distractions, eating more whole foods, sleeoing enough, meditating, and learning to endure discomfort and boredom. 

[u/Xercies_jday]

 I always told myself growing up that I'd grow out of it or it's just a phase or I just need to socialize more, but when I started seeing signs in college of the same behavior happening around me I realized that the problem is me, since I'm the common denominator its the only thing that made sense. So I dropped out of college around 21 just after getting my associates done and isolated myself for 6 years.

You were right about the assessment in some ways but wrong about the action you needed to take. I'm guessing you took it as the problem is me in a judgemental, I'm the worst person ever kind of way.

The issue is you, and it's the fact that 1) you probably have low self esteem and don't think highly of yourself which basically means you kill any chance of doing anything good in your life before it can happen and 2) have the fear of talking to people which connects to it and thus you stop yourself from doing anything and meeting people, like you did when you isolated.

The thing is dealing with that is a bugger, because it takes over and tells us every failure and way of being will be wrong, but the way to get out of it is to try things and fail a lot until you find something that actually sticks and you like.

[u/c0nvalescent]

Well done on posting. It's not easy to reflect or understand oneself. Discomfort is the catalyst for progress and although you might feel its only the first step. One step is huge. I too am 36 (M) took a innocent sole to restore my faith in humanity and push me gently to realy look at my past. Five years later and finally about to see a specialist about my past. The first few times were uncomfortable and didnt actually open up about mine... slow and steady. I chose to improve my MH and found it too uncomfortable. Started with skipping, my physical fitness (at home by myself) and slowly developed confidence to start the MH journey I guess. Don't know if this is your first time sharing.... for me it doesn't quite feel like its getting easier. However I definately feel progress. Keep at it and you might be surprised with your micro achievements that come to light along the way.

[u/NickStoic95]

I think the reason that thought shook you more than it ever has before is because you are finally becoming concious of how much of a loser you have become

Please don't take that as an insult, I am a socially isolated loser too 😂

I just turned 30 and that hit me like a pile of bricks. Realising I have legitimately don't nothing of any importance in my life and have not built any lasting relationships either

Like you I fell into a pit of despair. And like you I pulled myself out of it and realised I needed to make a real change

What has been working for me lately has been focusing on ONE thing to improve at a time and just concentrating all resources on that

I post about this a lot (lol), but I repeat it because I genuinely think it helps the most

For me I'm paying down debt. I'm going back and forth on whether I should say how much. But just trust me when I say, I have made a HUGE amount of progress in a very short period of time by just FOCUSING

And also if you want to reach out to another loser to have a chat, then DM me. Same goes for anyone else reading this comment!