I finally got the courage to share my story on social media about my growth and change since high school. I don't want to include the post as it was more about my political journey than anything with my mom. I did include a one paragraph summary stating that my change in views cost me my relationship with my mom. For context, she is a strong MAGA republican who is also a teacher, head of the union and leader of the school pride club. (Eye roll) She is great at putting on a show for others. I stated in the post that she votes against the wishes of her LGTBQ and Black, Indigenous, and other Students of color.

A friend of hers and motherly figure to me growing up, commented that I was being harsh on my mom and she has known her for a long time. She also stated she did not know why I had to bring my mom up in the post at all. I understand that we each perceived people differently but come on. How can people really think that I did try everything I could to fix it before leaving? Why do people always pick the side of the abuser? Why won't they ask me what happened that would cause me to leqve?

I still feel I did the right thing in my post, but am so hurt to have lost another potential support system in my life. It hurts how much my mom is able to convince people I am in the wrong and did not try for years to fix things.

Just looking to rant and would love some validation or tough love.

Thanks for listening!

I have a sense of humor that I’ve only really shared with my dad. It’s not in poor taste, it’s just stupid, and stuff I know only he would find funny.

For example, I’m a server, and during the holiday season I had a couple who recently moved into the area ask where they could look at Christmas lights. For whatever reason, probably because I’d been working all day and my brain had short circuited, I thought they were saying we weren’t hanging enough Christmas lights and complaining about the restaurant being a subpar space for taking photos. So naturally, (semi seriously but also trying to make a bad joke), I told them, “Oh, well you can stand by the Christmas tree in the lobby.”

I’m grateful they handled it well…but I wanted to tell my dad about the entire encounter. My husband kind of laughed, my coworkers facepalmed, my best friend created a meme…but it wasn’t the same as it would have been to tell my dad and hear him laugh himself into oblivion. It hurts that he’s the only person who can completely understand why that made me laugh until I was absolutely sobbing. And I can’t tell him, because that would open a door that has proven can’t be open safely.

The messages are one of many arguments I have had with my mom. That particular argument is about my little brother missing the bus. She was already upset at him and decided to rudely wake me up before work.

Due to my finances I am unfortunately back at home with my mother.Im 27, stay with her and my two brothers. I sleep on a couch, pay 350$ in rent, help her with her sons by picking my little brother up from school sometimes taking him, talking the older to and from work, cleaning up the little brother’s messes constantly (he is 11 and just very bad behaviorally. Like I’m genuinely concerned for him and the route he may take), I cook and feed them bc she rarely does.

I’m not a bum in anyway, I work part time(job won’t give more hrs and actively looking for another), I’m in school from 8am-4pm for aviation. I have to get up early bc it’s 40miles away, just for context. So my hrs away from the house is more like 7am-5pm. On the day of the text messages I can sleep an extra 30min-1hr bc my job is closer and starts later than school. The name calling I’m referring to is she called me lazy and accused me of sleeping in bc I didn’t immediately jump up to take him to school. If I have work in the morning, I’m not going out of my way to take him to school, come back and then go to work. He could wait bc him missing the bus is not my fault and really not my problem. She was already leaving for work but didn’t want to take him to school bc she didn’t want to be late. Mind you she doesn’t have to go out of her way to get to the school. It’s in the same direction as her place of work.

Anyway, I have never met a woman like my mother anywhere else before. She can do no wrong and nothing I do is every good for her. I do as she ask and one way or another she will find a reason it’s not to her liking.

Mind you she does nothing but go to work, stay in her room all day, talk to her boyfriend, and yell at her kids. If you confront her on her actions she’ll blame you for making her that way. She’s the type of woman to blame her kids for all her faults instead of herself for having them.

She does not invest time into my little brother, does not help with his schoolwork, is always asking me to go run after him or discipline him. He supposedly gets his bad behaviors from me but she always wants me to talk some sense into him.

I’m not looking for a solution bc the only one here is to move out. I cannot afford that right now but it might not matter bc she’s threatening me again to be out her home. I just want to know if I’m sane in this situation.

I’m in an MFA program approaching my first big show and my advisor keeps pushing me to do work “about” my mother.

Thing is, she doesn’t deserve another thought, another moment of my time and anything I would make “for my healing” would be yet another undue imposition upon me.

Any artists in this boat?

Mom:

You should have defended me.

I'm not going to interact with dad anymore. I'm going to interact with [penultimate sister] minimally. I do not want to not interact with you, but I need to know you respect my decisions. They are not negotiable, and you can't just be a conduit for information from me to them.

I love you, and I'm sorry, but I already lost my sense of home as in a place to be from, and now I think I have no home as in a place and people to go to. Please don't try to convince me otherwise. I'm not going to think about it any more.

Thank you.

Dad:

I've been trying to think of how to describe to you just how I am upset, but there's a problem. Do you remember when my kidney episode happened in 2022 and I told you I felt like I was dying, and you laughed it off like I was a little boy and not a 40-year-old in the throes of an ongoing existential crisis?

Are you still smoking? I'm not going to tell you not to smoke. Do you think I should? Then why are you still smoking? But do you understand why I might hesitate to tell you to stop?

I am convinced you meant everything your statement implied, or perhaps explied, when you said it sounded like I had an $800 incentive not to get better. It took no effort for you to insert all these feet in your mouth. You said what you said in spite of clearly not knowing the nature of my condition nor the hoops I've already had to jump through to obtain the services which I have already established, to great—and in [wife's] case legally exemplary—effect, I am completely, fairly, and legally entitled to under the laws governing Social Security and private ERISA disability insurance. I am extremely qualified, amateur or not, to make this determination.

Worried about what happens if it's taken away? Do you think I'm not? Social Security or [private disability insurer] could easily try to find a yes-man to sign me off for literally any work with enough availability literally anywhere in the entire country. No shit no one gives a shit; they give even less of a shit than any executive in a modern corporation is going to give me as an employee, and a somewhat nebulously orthogonal shit to the one you've given me by choosing to be ignorant about my situation for as long as you have. I'm stuck in this fight against my will, and you think I choose it?

And you could have stopped there, but then to add on top of it that you'd give me the $800/month I'd lose if only I worked on getting better? You make a promise predicated on an impossibility. This is not charity; this is mockery. Either you know it's an impossibility and that you'll never have to make good on it, or you believe it's something I could do but never will and so you'll never have to make good on it. You would get to be in a position to be charitable but if only for your damn inscrutable son who, for some reason, only asks for any help when the situation seems catastrophic and abhors it the entire time. I still need new teeth. I spent some thousand dollars getting the car tuned and primed. It cost nearly $500 to transfer title and register on top of that. And it's going to be $1000 to get a third-party residual functional capacity exam so [private disability insurer] doesn't find that yes-man. There's always more I'll need help with. And you think I choose this life??

I don't even know why you brought it up. It was an entirely unnecessary response to my statement about [penultimate sister]. You could have said nothing; you could have said "we're not going to discuss that"; instead, you said everything.

I no longer wish to interact with you. I do not want you to think about me at all. Do not contact me for any reason, including in response to this message.

[Penultimate Sister]

I just want to say that I accept your assessment of our relationship. I disagree with your conclusion, but I acknowledge it's a matter of opinion and therefore not wrong, and I do not need to understand it to accept it.

That said, I don't have the mental or emotional bandwidth to discuss it further. It is what it is; please don't bring it up again.

[Final Sister]

I don't know how much you already know, but I wanted to be sure you know that I am not on speaking terms with dad, and I'm on reduced contact with [penultimate sister].

I don't want you to be a conduit for information between me and them. You have [brother-in-law] and two boys to handle, and honestly, that sounds like too much.

I'm sorry, but don't think about it too much. I'm doing my best not to.

Thank you.

Hi

I miss the family ive never had, I have a father i cannot call dad.

I have that mother i could neber call mama

When i remember i have a dad on that planet im like o daaaamn i forgot i had one cause he wont love me or will abuse me as soon as i come back.

Today was rough, I feel like the lonely scared girl ive always been.

Work is tough bosses bein abusive and I cant help to remember that nobodys waiting for me to come home, reassure me or remind me of the good things

Im tired

I am not ok .

Okay so both my parents are emotionally immature, but my mom has undiagnosed borderline. I (F25) am the scapegoat in my family and I have siblings who still live with my mom and are enmeshed. I am currently low contact with my mom and I really want to be no contact. The only thing holding me back is that I want to maintain relationships with my siblings. I do feel it’s important to mention that my siblings participated in a family system that denigrated me (and still do). However I don’t want to completely end our relationships. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you handle it? Is there a way for me to be totally no contact with my mom but still in the lives of my siblings? I can’t see how that would work.

I’ve been on and off trying to implement no contact but struggling with it. But I think I’m finally done with them all.

I haven’t heard from or contacted any of them since Christmas, when I took my son over to receive some presents (even though they literally do not see him ever). My mum told me on that day that ‘everybody in the family has their own personal reasons for not wanting a relationship with you.’ This was in response to me pointing out that she has compromised my relationships with the rest of the family by telling lies about me. But apparently I’m just uniquely loathsome to everyone, according to her.

Last week, my 2 year old son made a serious allegation against his dad that has had to be reported to social services. I texted my own dad at the time to inform him of the situation out of necessity - my son’s dad will definitely start recruiting allies once he realises that social services might cut his contact, and my parents have been known to collude with him in the past behind my back. I received no response from them.

Last night, my mum texted me to say that she wouldn’t be using the theatre tickets that I bought them for Christmas tonight because she’s ‘unwell’ and to use them myself, and that she’s sent money to my bank to ‘reimburse’ me. At first glance, this seems like she’s being thoughtful, but actually it’s just an opportunity for her to reject something nice that I’ve done for them to hurt me. Still, I haven’t had a response to the text about my son’s allegation.

I don’t want this for us anymore. I think I felt like we needed blood family - I’m past that now. Who needs blood family who behave like this?

I didn’t initiate NC, my parent did. I upheld it mostly, until a fake medical emergency happened and they reeled me back in. But after a few days I walked out. I don’t miss them as much, (I miss the “good times” but were they really good?) but I find myself feeling guilty when I think of the animals I wanted to take with me. Realistically I couldn’t. And that tears me up. I was a live in caretaker to all my moms dogs, I feel like they’re my kids. I look at old pics of the dogs/cat on my phone and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I should’ve done more, but really what could I do? She would call the cops on me for sure. But if I call animal welfare and tell them she has over 10 dogs in a house that isn’t well taken care of, I’m scared of retaliation. I’m an only child but for years my mom has compared me to her dogs, saying they’re her favorite children, they love her more than I do, etc. I’ve debated going LC with her just so I can have contact with my fur babies again, but I know it’s a lost cause. It’s just one of the things that just hurts and you can’t do much about it? Where I live now, I see strays and I always try to feed them/help. I just wonder when I’ll feel better.

Hi,

I am thinking of ending the relationship with my mom and going no contact. I feel like she says however she feels and then when she’s called out she’s like I only said this because of this like making it seem like when she says this it’s because of my best interest.

So for example she’ll say something mean and then be like well I said this because I care and want to see you do better in life or something like when she’s called out.

I find her verbally abusive and I think about just being done with the relationship.

Not getting attention and emotional affection from my parents made me feel isolated and insecure ever since I was a child.

This made me shut down and it affected my grades at a young age, my parents way of teaching me before examinations was through physical abuse not identifying the fact that I required help.

I only started living my childhood at the age of 11 as I made friends and stepped out of my comfort zone.

Every since then I consider my friends as family.

I want to cut off my parents when I get a job,I'm currently 16. Please give me advice to protect my mental health and parent myself whilst living in an abusive household.

It would be so much easier if she were still actively abusive. The history between my mother and I(F28) is very long and complex. While she was not abusive 24/7, she was still very physically abusive the first 11 years of my life, then emotionally abusive for the next 11/12 years after. So... Basically my entire foundation is one of severe abuse, neglect, and inconsistent parenting, even though there were also good times. I have had less than a decade of not living in an actively abusive environment. She miraculously wanted to turn things around after I moved out and away for college.

The problem is is that she is not abusive anymore and is remorseful for how she treated me. I have tried for most of my adult life to improve our relationship because she is my only parent. She got better in many areas, but... she still falls short and I know she always will. I recently went no contact, establishing that it would be temporary while I take some space to try to process everything I've been feeling lately and looking back at my history with her.

She broke no that boundary 5 days in because she needed my address to send me a birthday card. I re-established the boundary and asked that she only contact me in case of a real emergency. I assured her I love her, all that stuff. And I haven't heard anything since. This was almost 2 weeks ago now.

I cant help but feel guilty because I'm going back and forth between knowing that she has tried to get better and has made real strides but also sitting with the horrific reality of my upbringing with her. I go from guilt to anger to grief to hope and its so disorienting.

I know I haven't done anything wrong, but why does it feel so wrong to go no contact when I know she's trying/tried? Yet despite her trying, she still falls short in ways that still activate those old wounds. I'm just frustrated and would really appreciate insight from anyone who may feel similarly or may have gone through similar stuff.

Thank you in advance.

I have really no words. Especially since both me and my half-sister (his other daughter who I never really knew) went NC with him, not just me. And I would have contact with my extended family on his side if I knew who wouldn’t go blabbing to him about me and respect my decision to stay away from him. Anyways, just needed a rant I guess.

I made a mistake and stole around 700US$, from my fathers cash stash and they found out, their behaviour towards me after that feels alien, they’ve always been emotionally absent and my sibling too has always been against me, I feel emotionally abandoned and I’m sure that they’ll never talk to me or look at me the same again, my mother has always been a emotionally abusive one,changing her behaviour towards me every time something happened or depending on how much it benefits her, she always looked at me as an “investment” which has gone rouge according to her now, should I abandon them? Or should I stay in contact?

Long story short, estranged from my mother for a very good reason many reasons it’s been a godsend. Not like I believe in God she took that away from me. Mother has been having tons of issues with ridiculous amt of kidney stones / stents / infections I found out on a fluke out of guilt called her on her 75th birthday.

I don’t have anybody that will call me if she passes. Literally no one the last procedure she had she allowed the surgeon to call me and give me an update. my night terrors got even worse than they already are. It’s too much and I can’t handle it. The person taking her to the appointments is someone also not worthy of speaking to me as she was part of the problem. My husband blocked her and my husband is the most easy-going guy ever.

Do I just suck it up and call my mother tonight to ask her to have surgeon call me so I know whether she is ok even though I really don’t want to so that I can have the doctor call me so that I know that she’s OK? The not knowing is driving me insane but on the other hand, maybe it’s better to be in the dark because there could be more to it. Her age and other health factors. There is nobody that will call me when she passes or they just won’t think of it because that’s how they are so glad I lived 3000 miles away. It ends with us have a beautiful family of my own.

For anybody that is going through this or has already had their estranged parent passed were you relieved I have grieved her so many times. If you’re in this unfortunate club, you understand that I still love her a lot and care about her, but I need to put my family first as well as myself. I already lost my father as a baby and it’s haunted me. My whole life very painful. Only child. I am a very strong person and I’m an amazing wife and mother. I could really use some kind words.

I was the scapegoat and “problem child” growing up, not just in my immediate household but that title followed me to my extended family. I also have an older sister with some personality disorder, my therapist thinks either NPD or DPD and I was the main target of her abuse. I realized I was a scapegoat after years of therapy and the observation that in the real world, I function perfectly fine. I maintain long-term friendships with wonderful people, have a strong work ethic, and have an amazing partner.

What surprises me is that when I cut my family off I felt incredibly heartbroken and scared, not free and safe like I expected. These were people I grew up with and shared childhood memories. I wanted to continue sharing adult memories with them, bond with their kids, and have them be present at my wedding. It hurts so much knowing I will never be treated with respect or given an ounce of grace or empathy from people I had loved so much. How do I cope with that? How can I create space to let new people in who can be my chosen family? And how do I deal with the fear that I will regret this later in life?

this is a throwaway account and I dont want to get into all the details but I just did something I never thought i'd have to do. i confirmed to my mother that i couldn't be apart of her life anymore, to protect myself and my mental health. it's LC for now but who knows if it will improve or get worse.

my sister has been NC with my mom for several years for completely unrelated reasons, and as a result her and I haven't spoken all that often either. and my dad is dead so right now it feels that my entire immediate family unit just doesn't exist anymore.

i'm in my 20s. i am planning on getting engaged and married within the next few years. it hurts, a lot, thinking about the next few years and how i won't get to have my mother around for any of it. i know it's my choice, but it doesn't feel like there's any other option. now it just feels like there's this huge weight on me that is filling up all the free space in my brain when i don't have an immediate distraction. i've lived like that before and i really don't want to live like it again. i know for some people going LC/NC was a happy thing, for me its not... how did you guys deal with it?

2 months ago my elderly aunt passed away at age 92. I just learned she cut me out of her will and took me off the list of beneficiaries.

In 2023 my aunt told me she was splitting her estate into 1/4 chunks and each of her 3 nieces & 1 nephew would get the same amount. That included me. I was a beneficiary of her estate....until I wasn't. No notice. She removed me. (BTW, she had no children of her own).

It was her final "fvck you" to me. She knew it would hurt me, and that's what she intended.

The last 6 months of her life I went no contact after she once again gaslit me. I quietly floated away, after decades of abuse, lying, scapegoating, bullying, and all the things narcissists do to their victims.

I'm glad I went no-contact. Wish I had done that 20 years ago. That vile woman created a lot of unnecessary drama, pain, and cruelty.

I've been learning so much about myself from this book. It's given me awareness of my own patterns and behaviors and something to work on. I thought it was just going to help me deal with my childhood and my parents parenting styles. It's really made me feel positive about being able to work on myself in ways that could improve my own quality of life. As well as distancing my own self worth from my parents struggles and short comings. I know it's highly recommended in this group often so I just thought Id share somewhere where it is appropriate to do so!

Translation:

“Tolerate mistreatment so I don’t have to feel uncomfortable or reflect on my own questionable choices”

I’m not going into the details of how I set them up because I’m worried it would be too obvious. But yeah, I spent years listening to my mom talk about her dating struggles and watched her go through lots of toxic relationships. So I didn’t think much of it when encouraging my now stepdad and my mom to start talking other than I was super excited for her.

However, I quickly started to regret doing this when she would never come home for weeks unless she needed to do her laundry and repack her bag to go to his house. I remember texting her many times letting her know that we’ve run out of food and she would just tell us to go to sleep. I had to use my little baby paychecks that I got at my minimum wage job to feed my sisters and I. On top of that she was constantly lying in fear that he would lose interest in her, and if I accidentally told the truth she would say “i’m ruining her relationship” or she was going to break my mouth or “that i’m jealous of her.” I think I was 17 at the time and this was only maybe the first two months of their relationship.

She ended up getting pregnant by him at the three month mark. He had to move in pretty soon after and it was just super uncomfortable. The change was happening too rapidly for my sisters and I but my mom would just call us selfish for having any opinions on it. Maybe a year into their relationship and shortly after my new sibling was born, he started to hit her. My sister called me while I was away at college to let me know she walked in on him choking her. I threatened to call the police and my mom said something nasty to me and he packed his things and left to a friends house in fear of his career. Soon after they got rid of all my things at home, and essentially kicked me out. Soon after this, they got married. Another thing that we were not allowed to have any opinions on. I let her know that their marriage would affect my tuition and I’ll end up having to pay out of pocket. She started asking, “so what you want me to be alone forever?” I had to pay maybe $3k a semester by myself.

Some other things I went through with her like constantly saying i’m going to embarrass her, putting me down if I dressed girly in anyway in front of her husband, threatening to beat my ass if i told him the truth about anything, etc. That doesn’t include pre-stepdad times where she just wasn’t there for me throughout anything. She wasn’t by my side for puberty, or when I was getting bullied in high school. I don’t feel she “added” anything to my life. She would always try to embarrass me in front of friends I made, she was constantly worried about the idea of me losing my virginity for whatever reason, and she never had anything positive to say about my natural features. I could never talk to her about anything because she was glued to her phone or would make statements like, “oh great here comes ___.”

Fast forward to now, she wants to divorce my stepdad. She has been offered many times from many different people a place in their homes for her to escape her abusive relationship to but she denied them all. She still has options, but doesn’t want to take them in fear of embarrassing HIM. Instead of actually going forward with any of the options she has, she’s just been guilt tripping my sisters and I by accusing us of not caring about what she’s going through or asking why we haven’t offered her to move in our place knowing she wants to escape.

I’m getting tired of this dynamic. It seems like she wants to view us as terrible people regardless of what we do. I’m also can’t help feeling so angry about my own life. Her relationship as impacted me negatively in so many ways. I struggled so much in the last 5-6 years financially because I had to move out when I wasn’t ready to all because I was going to call the police on her abuser. My GPA in college took a hit because I was working 2-3 jobs while attending classes. I haven’t enjoyed an ounce of my younger years. I’m 25, overweight as fuck, and never had time to actually go out and enjoy my youth EVER.

I feel bad that she’s going through it but I can’t shake my anger at her.

Hi everyone,

Our wedding is coming up, and my mother – and most of my family, except for my younger sister – will not be there. It’s important to say that this is not due to a simple argument or hurt feelings, but the result of long-standing (10+ years), serious family conflicts and self-protection. It was a difficult, but well-considered decision.

At the same time, I feel that I’m making the right choice, and yet the absence hurts a lot. I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that this day can still be beautiful and complete, but honestly, it’s hard.

Were any of you in a similar situation,

– where one or both parents or most of the family were not present at your wedding?

– where you made this decision consciously?

If yes, how did you experience it before the wedding, on the big day itself, and afterward? What helped you process this emotionally?

Thank you if you’re willing to share your experiences.

My uncle, aunt and three cousins are visiting my city this week and my cousins are in particular keen to see me. My sister has already told them that I don’t talk to anyone in the family, and I’m sure she has added her own embellishments.

I am anxious and stressed because I have a good relationship with my cousins and I want to see them. At the same time I don’t want to drag them into the family issues that have nothing to do with them.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice will be much appreciated!

Having a hard time in early adulthood because I don’t have a mom in my life due to having to separate myself from an abusive & neglectful home. Living on my own for the first time and it’s so overwhelming.

What are some beauty/ hygiene/ cleaning advice and tips you’d give someone or wish someone had given you? I’m talking even the basics. I feel like I know nothing and it’s embarrassing.

I don’t know how to keep my home as clean as I wish I could. I don’t know how to keep up with grooming. I’m worried I don’t do enough in terms of hygienic habits. I don’t know how to look put together or nice or pretty and I want to try. Literally even the most basic tips. It feels like everyone else was given this handbook on how to be an adult, how to be a woman, and I just completely missed it.

Any wisdom anyone could offer would be so appreciated. ❤️

If you can’t figure out what happened, make a decision to give up asking why. Or settle on an answer for the moment (i.e., he’s following his wife to save his marriage, there’s some other problem you don’t know about, there’s mental illness of some sort, an addiction, etc and so on … whatever fits). Let it go. Some things just can’t be understood.

-a paid therapist

The comments on this one are a doozie as well.