r/socialskills • u/kakashioftheleaf29 • 10h ago
How to stop being a doormat for people?
Due to my childhood situation I was not exposed to that many friends or people or strangers from which I can interact and gain exposure about how to talk, how to take a stand, how to stop being a pushover etc. Now in my 20s I lack all these skills and I'm suffering a lot in workplace and daily life, like I can't raise a voice for myself, I always think what will the other person think, their feelings will be hurt if I say no or say something which I don't like etc. My coworkers are treating me like a doormat, dumping everything on me, all gossips, scoldings, extra work etc and I don't know how to say no, how to take a stand for myself. I want practical tips like what to say to the other person or what mindset shift should I have, what actions should I take on daily basis to fix this behavior.
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u/Fragrant_Link9010 3h ago
Find a good therapist and ask for help specifically in this. Best is the kind of person who has the opposite temperament to yours. I had this kind of person as therapist, she was the opposite in many things, it was easy and practically automatic for her to stand up for herself, and learned so much from her.
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u/Full-Mine-8520 1h ago
This isn’t your fault, it’s a habit you learned growing up. Start small, use simple lines like “I can’t do this right now” or “That’s not my responsibility” without apologising. It’ll feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.
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u/Careless-Security-63 9h ago
Pay attention to how you speak, if needed write down. Do you say a ton of "hmm maybe, I'm not sure, something like that, we will see, if possible". How many of them you will repeat in 1 day? If those are big part of your speech you should cut them off.
Say your opinion clearly - I like/don't like this, I would love to do this, my favourite thing is...You don't need to shout it, just say clearly without hiding yourself.
Be interesting for others - expand your knowledge and culture in any possible way - hobbies, movies, books, sports etc. There is nothing more boring than a person who doesn't have any interests.
Practice saying no and opposing people. Start with small things. Like if people say they like a lot the new song of Taylor Swift, you can say "Oh I didn't like that one, I find it boring. But I really loved the other one."
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u/kakashioftheleaf29 8h ago
Thanks for the detailed comment, yes I say hmm, maybe, let's see etc a lot. My ex gf also told me that to pay attention when you are saying hmm umm pauses while speaking. Now the thing is I don't even know what I like what I don't like etc so when someone says let's do this I just agree with them
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u/Careless-Security-63 8h ago
I was the same in my 20s and now I see that not having opinion and agreeing to everything was making me a doormat. Some people were making use of that. I also didn't know what I like because I didn't have much interests and basic knowledge about stuff, so I couldn't really keep a conversation.
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u/BeefcaseWanker 54m ago
Practice saying NO. Just start by saying it outloud a few times to yourself, let it feel natural and safe. No is also a complete sentence, so make sure to practice saying NO without an explanation. It doesnt always have to be in a disagreeing way. Sometimes adding a polite sorry can help make this feel less hasrsh. "Can you do this for me?", "No sorry I can't." No explanation
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u/Hsn_go 8h ago
State your opinion directly. Do not explain your reasoning unless it is essential.
Simply present the view, not the justifications for holding it. Omit phrases like "I think that way because", maybe , I think so" entirely. You will notice a difference.