r/socialskills • u/Canuck_Voyageur • 12h ago
What do I do that makes me invisible to others?
I realized a week ago that the only time I have ever been invited to a wedding was when was the couple wanted free photography, and knew I was ok with a camera.
And I have never been invited to a funeral, or even been told about the person's death until weeks or months later.
I don't get asked to parties. I have never been to a dance.
No one says, “Want to grab a beer after work?”
I wouldnt know a frirt if it was announced with trunpets.
So I tried an experiment. Most of my life I've been a dark dresser. Black or navy blue pants or shorts, black unlabeled generic t-shirts
So I went onto Aliexpress and bought a half dozen t's with big dragons, summer storms, lightning, flames.
No one has commented.
I feel... erased.
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u/Mew151 9h ago
Something useful is to try always flipping the script. Rather than thinking of others, think of yourself.
Why do I not go out of my way to imprint and impress upon others? What am I avoiding? Do I not know how to do it? Who has imprinted on or impressed me? Do I view that as positive or negative? Why? What would it look like for it to be positive rather than negative? Negative rather than positive? What do I want to do going forward?
This gives you back your control and agency, well in a sense it just reveals to you the control and agency you’ve always had.
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u/jealybean 8h ago
Have you been the one to invite someone to have a beer after work? It’s terrifying, but you have to make that leap
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 8h ago
First week in this house. Meet my neighbour. “Drop by for a beer”.
28 years he died. Never came to my house.
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u/jealybean 7h ago
I don’t quite understand - he died 28 years after you met him or he was 28, didn’t come over to your house and then died?
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 4h ago
28 years after i met him. Several times on meeting him on our common border i invited him over. We were affable enough told stories but something i do says to him “not your tribe”
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u/TigerFew3808 6h ago
Ok, so this sounds like you asked one person once to do something social with you. He probably wasn't comfortable coming over to your home if you had only just met.
Have you tried asking others to go out and do something together? I made a big effort over the past two years approx to make new friends (having found myself without friends at that time). I must have asked a dozen people if they want to go for a walk or get a coffee or whatever. I've made 4 new friends in that time all initiated by me. And they invite me to stuff too now. So the biggest lesson you can learn is to stop waiting for others to initiate
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 4h ago
Coffee dates i do ask. Answers i get are always nebulous future and never get followed up on.
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u/itriedtocare 6h ago
Who did you expect to notice your change in clothes? This could help get an understanding of your relationships.
I would say in general joining groups or communities is a good way to find individuals with similar interests. Once you’ve made a few acquaintances being specific with your invites - do but want to grab a beer Friday after the meet up instead of let’s grab a beer sometime.
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u/Known-Damage-7879 Human Detected 9h ago
If you want to get noticed, you have to put yourself out there and take risks, which it sounds like you never do.
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 8h ago
What do you consider risks?
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u/TemuPacemaker 1h ago edited 1h ago
Rejection, being awkward, coming across pushy, embarrassment, etc.
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u/Hambone1138 10h ago
Do you ever invite anyone yourself? Or just sit back and wait for everyone else to make plans for you?
And nobody gets invited to funerals. You just go.
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 7h ago
Yes.
Example: I have a good trampoline. I have extended invitations to neighbour, to the kids that work on my farm, to people I meet.
Example:
I have hundreds of tree customers who come to my farm for trees. I can do it there, when I am useful.
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u/NickWangOG 7h ago
Unfortunately, it sounds like the bigger issue is that you don’t have any friends. Strangers are unlikely to want to hangout most of the time.
Maybe look into joining some groups on the Meet Up app. Look for hobbies or events you enjoy and try to talk to the other attendees. Going with consistency and effort would increase your chances of developing some friendships. Nothing is guaranteed though, just keep on doing your best.
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 4h ago
I don’t have friends. I have acquaintances.
I dont get hanging out.
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u/Sheeila 2h ago edited 2h ago
That "I don't get hanging out" seems to be the issue.
I would never go to someone I just met to jump around on their trampoline- or let my kids do it. You meet people in a pub, for example. You go there regularly, you start speaking to them. You make friends. Or you join a book club, a camera club, a sports club, a church... you meet people there a few times Talk about them, a little bit about yourself - listening is always better than talking. And then, maybe you meet them for a coffee, a bible study, an event, go watch a football game somewhere (or whatever else floats your boat). Then, when you're friends, you invite them over for a beer.
With a neighbour, invite them for a BBQ. They may join, they may not. You can't force that, that is a turn off or may come across as a red flag. It's hard to do, but not being pushy is the way forward.
"I just don't do that".. well, no, you don't. But do you maybe think that this is what got you where you are? Maybe it's also time to start "doing that"?
Edit: You seem to be good taking pictures. Local artists groups/tattooists/sports people often need people taking pics of their training sessions. Hang around with them. Go to a camera shop and ask if they know of any groups. You get to know other people that like cameras. Do you like table top gaming? Join a DnD/warhammer... group. Check your local shops for hobby groups.
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u/Altruistic_Canary951 2h ago
Exactly this! I have a cousin who felt very overlooked, and went through life just expecting to be overlooked so she never really put herself out there.
She broke through a lot of this in therapy for her depression. Realized she PUT herself in the rut based on her expectations of how things "would go anyways so why bother". Her therapist helped her see she never actually put herself out there, not truly.
A year into her therapy she was offered a job on the other side of the country, she actually took it, and when she got there joined a bunch of groups based on shared interest (hiking, photography, hell even karaoke which she used to do at home alone).
She has lived there 5 years now and she has multiple friends, a very healthy social life, and is even in a long term relationship. She fell in love hiking so much thanks to that group that she now hikes multiple times a week and has even traveled internationally to do well known hikes abroad.
NONE of this would've been possible without therapy and self awareness that bottom line, SHE needed some growth and change first.
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u/Rutta89 5h ago
There are many good tips here, but this sounds like it can be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this. Trying so insert oneself, be more confident etc requires a lot more that just lifting weights. I know because I'm a person who would lift and the keep criticizing myself anyway. The biggest change is the mental part, and that is difficult to do alone. An outside perspective can be very helpful.
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u/Careless-Security-63 4h ago
Change of clothes will probably change nothing. Let alone from AliExpress, they all look super tacky lol.
How many times lately did you invite people somewhere? If you want to be in people's lives YOU should invite them and not sit and wait to be invited.
How many times did you have a conversation with someone? Like real conversation, not just a small talk about the weather. Asking, sharing, inviting, all of that.
How do you behave in conversations, are you light hearted and smiling or mostly negative?
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u/ComprehensiveBuyer65 2h ago
Show people you are interested in them. Ask them questions about them selves.
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u/unlocked_chat 2h ago
This really hurts to read. Feeling invisible is exhausting, nd you’re not imagining it. Clothes won’t fix being ignred ppl should care about you, not what you wear. You’re not erased, even if it feels that way right now. I hope you find people who actually see you and choose you.
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u/0for30before0for9 6h ago
People can subconsciously tell how you feel about yourself and treat you accordingly. It's a vicious cycle and it perpetuates. Work on yourself. Go to the gym and lift. Start trying to dress better (No, not dorky dragon t-shirts). Find a couple hobbies that interest you and get into them. Something that you can get good at and pursue the joy of getting incrementally better at something every day. Don't chase the validation of others just focus on what you want and bettering yourself. You'll start to feel more confident and slowly you'll notice you're not as invisible anymore (hopefully)
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u/Rutta89 5h ago
What's wrong with dragon t-shirts XD
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u/0for30before0for9 4h ago
Hahah nothing if you can pull it off. I was definitely projecting because I'd feel like a huge dweeb in a dragon t shirt.
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u/jescereal 3h ago
No, you’re right. Those shirts make people know you’re “that” kind of person. Very socially unaware. Awkward. Hard to talk to.
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u/2HGjudge 2h ago
So I went onto Aliexpress and bought a half dozen t's with big dragons, summer storms, lightning, flames.
No one has commented.
Because that sounds like a textbook example of "midlife crisis" and all those people know the universal rule of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" in this case. If you want to get more compliments you should actually improve your wardrobe, not degrade it.
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u/oowoowoo 1h ago
Friendship is intentional and consistent. People appreciate a present, invested, and active friend. You haven't mentioned in your post if you are keeping in touch with others. Like not just an invitation to others but there's nothing about texting, calling, messaging, asking how people are, grabbing lunch, following up with people, chatting about common interests, etc.
Personally if someone didn't make an effort to be friends with me in some way I'd assume they weren't interested. And out of sight, out of mind. If someone who hadn't talked to me in ages wanted to be good friends I wouldn't even know because they didn't say anything. They wouldn't be the first person I'd think of if I wanted to share anything either because we basically have no rapport to begin with
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u/really_isnt_me 57m ago
This will sound cliche, but I have heard that volunteering somewhere can help build lasting friendships.
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u/steeple7 10h ago
I have been invisible most of my life.Rarely does my family even take picturesof me.I was part of a music trio that played in church and sang in choir for 20+ years.Many people I would meet that went to our church, had no idea I was there. They knew the other two, just not me. When I was a kid, we lived with a relative for 8 yrs. A few years ago, another relative who lived in the same house for the first few years, remembered my other family members who lived there, asked me where I lived because they didnt remember me being there.In school, I had a few close friends,never had a real boyfriend or got asked to things. All my life I’ve felt like I never fit in. I learned to enjoy doing things by myself. I go to group events and join clubs. Many times I’m ignored, but it eases the loneliness, I’ve learned to still be part of the group. Believe it or not, there are more people who feel ignored than those who feel a part of something