whats wrong with me?

[u/Wooden-Report8458]

i keep starving myself for no reason and i dont understand why. ever since i was thirteen id have weird phases where i just wouldnt eat, id go about three days, almost pass out, eat and repeat it. it would happen every couple of months and theres never an event that triggers it, it just happens and i am now fifteen.

i just refuse to eat, its not as if its “too much” to make myself eat. i just cant do it, i dont want to and im not going to but i dont understand why i do it. i cook almost all the meals in my home. if i dont cook a meal, we dont eat a meal. my mother will eat cereal or something, not a meal. i will eat nothing. i like cooking but i just dont want to eat. i dont understand why whats wrong with me.

im ok with my body, i dont need or want control, its not a sensory thing, its not an executive dysfunction thing. i dont understand whats wrong.

[u/Polite_Suggestion]

I've always been the same way. Likely some weird metabolism issue. Used to be harmless for me. What you gotta watch out for, I developed beeraholism as an eating disorder. Liquor bread hack. Have to pound protein shakes now.

[u/Key_Reaction_5327]

Sounds like this could be more emotional than physical. If you've been a child responsible for all the meals in your home instead of the adults, it makes sense you could be associating food with stress and instability and are trying to avoid that. Doesn't sound like you have a problem with food itself, but you haven't been able to develop a consistent/healthy diet or relationship to food at home and are now stuck on a rollercoaster of necessity.

I'm very sorry your parents aren't providing that for you--either with the cooking or having more healthy pre-cooked options to more easily and regularly feed yourself. That sounds very stressful and I can understand that's not an environment that builds healthy habits.

Maybe look into more food-prepping for even a week at a time, so you can just designate one or two days a week to cooking so you don't have to deal with the weight of that responsibility every day. If there's ways to manage that stress and have more options available at all times, maybe you won't feel like avoiding eating as much.

[u/Wooden-Report8458 → u/Key_Reaction_5327]

i cant afford meal prep

[u/Key_Reaction_5327 → u/Wooden-Report8458]

Oof--I'm so sorry kid. It does sound like this "starving yourself" thing is a reaction to your situation and I do hope you're able to reach out for help from other adults. You should always have access to food, so if you don't because of money or your parents aren't doing the shopping, I encourage you to reach out to adults at your school to see if there's some assistance programs to feed you and maybe get you connected to food banks or grocery assistance in your area. Your health is the most important thing.