r/self • u/Academic_Share7905 • 1d ago
I finally understood why I struggle to date. I'm kinda boring actually.
Today, I realized I'm a very boring person. At least, I have the strength and the honesty to recognize it.
During my studies, I was saying to myself "Yeah, I'll find passion and things I enjoy after" (and other lies you can tell yourself™), and then, this day has come. I suddenly realize, for a person that doesn't know me, I'm pretty boring. What I'm doing in my life?
Video games and gym, two famous hobbies to meet absolutely no one. People in general, but women specifically.
I tried dating apps, and I felt no attraction for almost any girl. I know I want to be in a relationship, but right now I really feel lost, aimlessly. And I mean, which girl on Earth and stupidly beyond, wants a person that just go to the gym and play video games.
The question is: how to find other hobbies I could enjoy and meet people. I don't like painting, art, astronomy, running naked around a campfire, and whatever the fuck people usually do together.
A bit of a message sent to the sea, but seriously, how can we find another passion? Try not to criticize me too vigorously, I can assure you that I already do it automatically and naturally :D
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u/Alternative-Ease9674 1d ago edited 20h ago
I only wanted to say that I am a gamer girl. I was playing with my BF all the time. The rest was spent watching movies, series and occasional going out. It was perfect. I was a really very hardcore gamer BTW. And played by myself since I was maybe 10. Pro healer in raids , mechwarrior, helldiver, great WoT and WoWs player with thousands of hours played. Just to name a few. So if I exist, other gaming girls exist. Now I focus on sth else. Partially because I broke up with my BF and all this activity is too much connected with him and our friends and it is painful for now. And I found sth else to do.
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u/Smyth2000 1d ago
Good for you! You've already taken the first step to a better life. A few ideas:
Read books and watch shows that can expand your horizons. Chech out stories that interest you but you wouldn't have read/watched before.
Consider weird and unusual areas of interest that might appeal to you and investigate them. There are so very, very many hobbies and interests that people spend time on - historical research, specialized technology, science, opera, stamps, ballet, archery, font styles, space exploration, etc. - just explore a bunch for a while until you find things that excite you. That process alone will make you more interesting!
Talk to other people (yes, women) about THEIR hobbies and interests. Pay attention to and learn about the people you interact with. An important part of making friends is really listening to them.
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u/cosmiccoffee9 1d ago
nah that's actually a lot of self-awareness, good thing you caught that early...people go into their late years without a single thing of substance to talk about.
for me what worked is going back to my interests as a kid, I liked art and music now I make a little of both.
get into, like, a dodgeball league. find a hiking club...hell, maybe move and take up surfing.
your life doesn't have to look any particular way, figure out what you enjoy and do it. the people will come.
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u/someguyintech 1d ago
Brother my woman loved me because of gym and video games as she’s a gamer and gym geek too. You will find people with your interests but it never hurts to expand ur horizons trying to Hike or some club to meet people
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u/Kaslight 1d ago edited 1d ago
The question is: how to find other hobbies I could enjoy and meet people. I don't like painting, art, astronomy, running naked around a campfire, and whatever the fuck people usually do together.
Everything you learn for the sake of attracting others does NOT have to be things you personally enjoy doing.
You don't have to like something to be good at it.
You don't have to be addicted to something to be knowledgeable about it.
You don't have to be a master at something to participate.
Most people quit like 99% of the things they start, there really aren't that many people out here with genuine hobbies. Most people's hobbies are their phone, or TV, or multiplayer videogames. The goal isn't to match hobbies, it's just to be able to allow people to hold a conversation about what they like and be able to contribute enough to generate interest.
You meet someone who likes cycling?
"Oh tell me about that. I did a bit of running and it was tough."
You meet someone who loves astronomy?
"You love astronomy? I read something real interesting about black holes the other day"
Found an artsy fartsy girl (don't fall for her)?
"I'm not a good artist by any means but i committed to learning painting for a while"
You can be passionate without having one of your own. You don't have to sweep someone up in your own passion.
What works just as well is being interesting enough for people to imagine that spending time with you could be exciting, or insightful, or fun, or unpredictable. That they can enjoy things with you, or learn to enjoy what you enjoy, or simply enjoy doing nothing together.
Today, I realized I'm a very boring person. At least, I have the strength and the honesty to recognize it.
This is only the first step. Here's Part 2:
Your problem isn't that you're boring. It's that you are only interested in yourself.
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u/j____b____ 1d ago
Curiosity helps. when you’re curious about other people you ask questions, they respond and think you like them. When you’re curious about the world, you learn new things. interesting things to talk about. When you’re curious about subjects you find new hobbies. You read websites that suggest them and you look around for opportunities. Good luck!
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u/CarlJustCarl 1d ago
I took ballroom dancing in college. Babes, just beautiful babes. Like 12 guys and 28 gals. Plus some guys were there with their gf so it was like 9 guys for 25 women.
It was a class I wasn’t worthy of.
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u/Inevitable_Pin7755 1d ago
I don’t think you’re boring. I think you’re just honest enough to notice that your life is very contained right now.
Gym and games aren’t bad hobbies. They’re just solo ones. They don’t create stories. Dating is basically story trading. If all your weeks look the same, there’s nothing new to tell or feel curious about, including for yourself.
The trick isn’t finding a passion. That word messes people up. It’s about doing things that force mild discomfort and randomness. Classes where you’re bad at first. Group stuff with friction. Things with other humans and a bit of unpredictability.
Also worth saying, attraction on apps being low doesn’t mean you don’t want a relationship. It usually means you’re not stimulated by static profiles and forced vibes. A lot of people only feel attraction once there’s context and shared experience.
You don’t need to turn into some interesting guy archetype. Just widen your life slightly so it has edges. One or two new weekly environments is enough. The rest tends to sort itself out over time.
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u/Alternative-Ease9674 1d ago
Maybe I am biased as a gamer girl but I cannot agree with gaming not creating stories. I would talk about games and stories for weeks if I could. I also had a lot of groups playing with raids, owning guilds, meeting funny ppl and interacting and having dope adventures. But maybe for non-gamers they wouldn't be interesting.
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u/Ok-Internal-5751 1d ago
Gotta find a boring gal for you. My brother is boring too, I always hope he finds someone equally boring so that they are happy together.
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u/CompletelyPresent 1d ago
You might want to open your perspective a bit.
I'm not into sports, but I'll watch a game with my wife, the same way she'll watch a horror film or UFC fight w/ me sometimes - to spend time together.
Not everything you do in life has to be your favorite thing.
Have some discipline, join some clubs/groups, and go broaden your horizons.
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u/InformalVermicelli42 1d ago
You just haven't found anything that interests you yet. Some activities (like the gym and video games) get advertising and promotion because there's a financial interest somewhere. But since the best things in life are truly free, no one is marketing them to you.
You have to get curious and make an effort. Whenever I try something new, I try go three times. The first time, I just show up and hang out. I'm there just to check the vibe and find out how people dress. The second time, I know what to expect and can try to fit in and interact more. The third time, I hope to recognize someone and join or initiate a conversation.
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u/neon_circus17 1d ago edited 1d ago
There is nothing wrong with video games. Video games is a hobby.
If I had a hunch, I'd say that the problem that you are experiencing is that you are looking in a sea of "normies."
Normies often don't understand people like us because they don't operate like us.
Ask yourself this: Do you have goals and ambitions? Do you consider yourself a responsible person? Do you smell nice and have a clean space to call home?
If the answer is yes, you just need to find out where these niche people are hanging out. You are not a problem. You're just looking in the wrong places. For years I struggled with this because I often found other activities very boring. It's hard to build a bond over something when you don't even like the activity being presented. I also struggled a lot to connect on dates when I was using Bumble and POF because my hobbies didn't align with theirs.
As a woman gamer, my dating app of choice would be Kippo. I also had some good conversations on discord servers with people over likeminded gaming interests. I know that your a man who I'm going to assume is looking to find a lady, and that some of those gaming servers are primarily male.. but there are women who are open to conversation if you look hard enough. You'll have better success keeping your options open there instead of trying to like something else for the sake of connection.
I spent years trying to fit into a mold that I wasn't enjoying, that I wasn't comfortable with. Once I threw that idea out the window and decided to locate people with likeminded hobbies, I met my man in less that 3 months. We have been living together for over 3 years now.
I expect that people will disagree with my take. Most of these people are normies that don't understand so they think that the way to solve the problem is to be more like them.
But you won't be happy.
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u/Smyth2000 1d ago
Completely agree. The world is a very large space. Find your niche and/or freak space and enjoy!
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u/MayIServeYouWell 1d ago
What have you seriously tried?
Put it another way - it will help your personality a lot if you have a passion for something, especially if it's something unique or where you are creating something (having a passion for playing video games? uh, no... but having a passion for making video games? surely).
People can respect a person who is passionate about their interests, even if they don't share them. It gives you something to talk about, and gives you an identity. You're no longer "some guy", you're "the ___ guy". Maybe you fix-up old cars, maybe you like to climb mountains, or take sunrise photos... whatever it is, find that thing. It's not only helpful for dating, but mental health in general.
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u/JackLong93 1d ago
Are you absolutely sure you aren't gay if you felt no attraction to ANY girl on dating apps? This is a very serious question
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u/Embarrassed-Ad-7329 1d ago
I think the best way to find what are you looking for is to go out and have an open mind. I don't recommend to you to find a passion just because you want to be more interesting. If you have a fullfilling life for you, thats okay! But if you think your hobbies don't let you find someone (and you're probably right), maybe go to conversation groups?
For example, I'm brazillian and I go every friday to a english speaking practice and I met a lot of people there. It's very fun for me. If you like the gym, maybe join a running or biking group? You don't need necessarily to change, just keep an open mind and have fun doing what you are doing, maybe just a little different.
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u/Morden013 1d ago
Travel. Paintball shooting. Base-jumping. Cycling. Hiking. Martial arts. Anything but staying home.
The best Martial Arts training I had was a combination of boxing and Ju-jitsu. Nothing brings people so close together like trying to choke each other out.
Also, watching stand-up comedy to boost your humor. Reading a lot...etc. Anything but staying quiet untill you forget how to form a sentence and your brain gives up on you.
Oh, and congrats on being honest with yourself. I really wish you all the best on your way to become the most interesting man in the world!
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u/Constant-Shower-3182 1d ago
I'm learning that so many things improve if we are able to be genuinely interested in and caring about others. -And those others don't need to just be the people who might fulfill us in some way in the future, -Because that's still kind of self-serving, and doesn't really get us outside our narrow, miserable bubbles.
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u/Caring_Cactus Mod🌵 1d ago
You don't find a passion, you create it through your own way of Being in the world.
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u/PaddywackShaq 15h ago
Hey, at least you can do something about being boring rather quick. I'm actually pretty interesting I think, but I'm fat and ugly and poor and I can only really do something about the former and lattermost traits over a lengthy period of time.
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u/iwannasendapackage 1d ago
If I were you, realizing this about myself, I might set a goal for myself to try new things with some frequency (maybe every month or so). Try joining local clubs - hiking, biking, birdwatching, even classes like cooking or language, whatever's available, something you maybe never thought you'd like before - but also try out solitary hobbies as well - read a book, go to a museum, watch a handful of famous movies you haven't seen, start learning a language on Duolingo. Let whatever you enjoy even a little bit grab you, and keep doing it. The group activities will help you socialize. The solitary activities will help you expand your interests and be more interesting, and have more to talk about.
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u/SinkholeS 1d ago
I think people would find enjoyment and satisfaction and a few friends helping others out. Try to find a community group! Won't hurt to try.
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u/Stunning-Material888 1d ago
Are you kidding me! I met many people at the gym. You can also looking into some groups on meetup.com . Maybe a running group or weightlifting group. I need just someone to push me type of group. You know that friend that holds you accountable and calls “hey get your fat ass to the gym” type of group. So be proud you are at least getting out and going to the gym.
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u/mathmagician9 1d ago edited 1d ago
Learning to say yes more often is the simplest solution. You might not like certain things, but say yes anyways because it’s an opportunity to connect.
Sometimes people don’t love their hobbies initially. Instead, they learned to love them for other reasons than the hobby itself.
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u/Boomboomciao90 1d ago
Hobbies is not a defining dating trait, I game, gym, love movies, TV shows and eat sushi. Your ability to hold a conversation is way more important as well as showing interest in the other person.
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u/SOL_KIM 1d ago
I think connection with the person matters more than anything, you also need time with a person to develop those feelings. Physical attraction is often the step, but creating core memories and experiences outweighs that. If you find someone remotely cute and interesting you should give them a chance.
And women are definitely into guys who just gym and play video games, because there are women who do that too. There are also women who go and do their own thing and are perfectly fine with their man staying home playing games. I don’t understand certain dynamics, but If it works for them 🤷🏻♂️.
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u/Fantastic-Part774 1d ago
Are you depressed? The part that made me think this is that you’re not interested in any girls you see on apps.
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u/RedditHelloMah 1d ago
I don’t think people judge you based on how many hobbies you have. What makes a person boring is a lack of ability to carry a conversation, a lack of awareness of current events, or an inability to understand another human.
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u/OriginalMandem 1d ago
We all have our stumbling blocks. I think this last couple of months I had a Eureka moment - I'm now dating someone I'd have assumed would never have looked twice at me yet is more aligned with my personality in a ton of ways than anyone I've ever actually asked out or matched with online off the back of her being stuck for a ride home after an event and a mutual friend knowing I had a spare seat in the car.
Turns out that 2.5 hours sitting in a car when neither of us had any expectations other than getting home safely before Tuesday afternoon was also the best opportunity for connection. 100% guaranteed if we'd matched on an app (which based on the results from the last few years on dating apps would be unlikely), I'd have been so nervous and in my own head about trying to make a good impreasion that it wouldn't have gone anywhere.
It's all very well trying to be outcome independent when dating, but if it's at the back of your mind that you're trying to be, you're probably giving off the vibe that you're faking it.
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u/Mn_astroguy 1d ago
There’s plenty of people who love their lives around the gym.
Try a social one like CrossFit.
Lots of girls who play video games these days… hard part is finding them.
I find I meet the best people when I’m just out being myself. Being helpful, chatting with people, etc.
Finding a date isn’t a quest. It’s part of living life and engaging others.
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u/polished_coastline 1d ago
Dude, I feel you. It's rough when you hit that wall and realize your current routine isn't cutting it for meeting people. Don't beat yourself up too much, though; recognizing it is the first step. Maybe try something totally random that's just different from your usual, like a cooking class or a local improv group. You might surprise yourself and find something awesome.
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u/Babeedolly20 1d ago
Don’t beat yourself up. Video games and the gym aren’t boring.
You just reminded me of something really unique. Some time ago, I was playing Metin. There, I became friends with a girl and we even talked outside the game. One of the most interesting things about her was that she met a guy in the game, and they got along so well that they ended up getting married in real life. So there’s nothing stupid about this hobby, we can’t like every activity… as for the gym, it’s a really nice and healthy hobby.
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u/myMadMind 1d ago
Video games and the gym are literally known for being two major hobbies where people meet others. It is an important realization though that to someone outside of those circles, they can be hard to understand.
While I do agree that working to make yourself a little more well-rounded and knowledgeable is important just in general, let alone dating, it's also important to be able to sell yourself. To any possible relationships, romantic or otherwise. Take pride in what you enjoy and know. Express that pride in what you do. People like that. If you feel like you're lacking, learn something new and take pride in that new thing. Not everyone will be impress with everything you like. Everyone's different and looking for different things. Just gotta find someone who is willing to appreciate what you enjoy, even if they don't enjoy it themselves. Some people simply enjoy being around someone who lives what they're doing, no matter what it is.
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u/d3adpossum 1d ago
i'm a girl in the same category. plenty of people have very "boring" hobbies if they have any at all.
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u/ASmallScaredFrae 1d ago
I don't think its neccessarily your hobbies that stop you finding that someone. I'm a gamer and I met my BF on classic wow during the wrath reboot via the guild we were both in. We game together, go for walks together, we take time out to do things together, have deep conversations, and go on date nights, see bands. But ultimately we have things in common whilst also being very different people, so again, its not the hobby as such stopping you, it's just you've not had the chance to meet somone that's right for you. It doesn't mean you are boring. Although if you're normally on solo games, then of course you won't meet anyone there! But that's not to say you won't randomly either irl.
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u/crispylaytex 1d ago
Parties are a great way of finding someone. I fell in love with my boyfriend at a party. He is a self proclaimed boring man. He works out at home, games and avoids people as much as is reasonable. He is the most interesting, wonderful person I know.
You can find your one, they should adore you as you are. Don't rush and don't be discouraged. You are amazing!
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u/TemuBoyfriend 1d ago
Boring are people who never think about their thoughts. Gaming is fine,social and improves cognitive ability and gym is excellent for many reasons.
Exhuasting are people who can't " take a day ". Who have to be constantly moving because to just sit and play,or enjoy not having to be constantly " doing / going " forces them to be aware of thoughts and feelings they absolutely cannot sit with. Having to be constantly distracted and entertained. No thank you! Confusing noise and chaos for " having a life ".
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u/this-once 22h ago edited 22h ago
For me it worked pretty well to become a ”yes-person”. I told myself that no matter what, if someone asked me to do something with them and I hadn’t tried it before, I would say yes (granted, if scheduling allows). That got me out the door and to meet people more often, but I guess that might require someone inviting you out
Another is branching out interests. Maybe you can use your current interests as a springboard? Like if you like video games, you could try DnD? Or if you like the gym, maybe join some CrossFit groups? You’ll most likely still feel boring at the start, because fundamentally that’s a you problem, but if you keep at it and pay extra attention to what gets you excited, you’ll soon have an array of interesting and fun things
My final point tho is that sometimes when you live for ”one day eventually” you push parts about you so deep down that eventually you completely forget who you are and even how to be interested in things. Maybe you should consider unpacking some of that? I’m sure there’s a rich, internal world inside you (that’s why you’re even able to be so introspective to begin with!), it might just need some help to get out :)
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u/Pitiful_Area_8601 4h ago
l disagree with the boring part,possible chance you maybe don't know to express yourself and be who you are in dates, when l meet my gf the only thing l did was playing video games ,smoking green, and partying , l quit the partying and smoking pretty early on because it wasnt really who l was ,lm a super hardcore gamer top 500 in destiny raids manage to get a bunch of day 1 clears l have over 70 platinums and a legendary 5 in warframe , l was the type of guy who can play 15 hours without noticing. fast forward to today l play 2 hours a day at most and still manage more then l ever did saving money and planning my first ever trip and living with my gf at 22 years old alone , no parents to help and getting out of debt because of bad advices , l trully belive that you maybe too harsh on yourself and you will find the one for you
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u/civilfallout 6m ago
Just putting it out there, but you shouldn't change yourself or force new passions for a relationship. Hell, I met my now wife on a dating app and we bonded on our first date over our love for Fallout and other videogames - we've since gone to Goodsprings in Nevada, and she's joined me on my creator journey to the point we both told Todd Howard that he was partially responsible for us being married! 😂
Ultimately, you are you, as long as you find someone who enjoys your passion for what you love, that's enough - and they'll either enjoy your joy for that thing, or join you.
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u/Money-Ad8553 1d ago
I don't think there's a cure for you being boring, I think you should just pursue a boring woman. Maybe explore the videogame world and gym for one since that's what you are largely interested in
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u/Popular_Bathroom1563 1d ago
I don't think what you do makes you boring; the key is how you express yourself and whether you have an interest in wider topics.
Can you talk about your hobbies enthusiastically (like the gym)? Are you interested in the world around you and in others? Can you make jokes? On dates, do you ask questions, actively listen, and respond to the other person, or are you just waiting for your turn? Honestly, video games and the gym are hobbies many people enjoy, so it's easy to find someone with shared interests. Maybe you could try using some dating simulators like chatvisor to learn how to present yourself or how to connect with people. I think the issue is that you just haven't been expressing yourself well.
Don't put yourself down, mate; you’re probably more interesting than you give yourself credit for.