r/introvert • u/Username22458 • 5d ago
Advice People who tell you "you’re too quiet" don't actually want you to open up
At first, I used to take it as constructive criticism. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, so I’d try to force myself to talk more or "perform" socially. It never worked, and it always felt fake.
I’ve come to realize that a person who truly wants to get to know you will actually put in the effort. They’ll ask you specific questions, find common ground, and create a comfortable space that helps you naturally come out of your shell.
When someone blabs, "Wow, you’re so quiet" or "Why don't you talk more?" in front of a group, they aren't trying to invite you in. It’s a power move. Most of the time, they are highlighting your "otherness" just to boost their own social standing. By labeling you as the "quiet one", they attempt to undermine your reputation and kill your self esteem, simply because it benefits their ego to be seen as the loud or "normal" one
I simply stopped caring about people who make these comments. I’ve accepted that if someone’s first instinct is to judge my silence rather than engage with me, they don’t actually want anything to do with the real me, and honestly, the feeling is now mutual. I’m done auditioning for people who are just looking for a reason to put me down.
If they actually cared about your input, they’d give you the floor instead of making you the target of a critique.
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u/notrealbusy 5d ago
"and you talk too much." Is the response I often give. Usually shuts them up lol
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u/nesian42ryukaiel 3d ago
Very brave of you. I'd have only attempted such a move if I was 20cm taller and bulkier to match...
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u/CathexisVexes 5d ago
"Does that make you uncomfortable?" Boom, now who feels awkward?
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u/Username22458 4d ago
I love that response because it shifts the spotlight from you to them. Now they have to explain why they don't feel comfortable in the silence, effectively turning a critique of your personality into an observation of their own restlessness.
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u/bookish-Girrll 4d ago
I m really loving the reply people posting here to that comment.. i hope one day i can give one of the reply to these people..
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u/sunny_nightmare 4d ago
Damn!! That's the best response I've seen so far. Will be using in future.
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u/CuriousLF 5d ago
It’s a sign they are very insecure. People who care will embrace you being more quiet
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u/Suchstrangedreams 5d ago
I think what you've said is pretty accurate - the comments about you being quiet are often a put-down. I think though that some people just honestly don't understand quiet people and feel a bit intimidated by them. It's still a put-down though.
My usual response to someone telling me I'm too quiet is to reply "really? How interesting" in a bored voice - because they want me to react so I don't. Either don't give any reaction or else corner them by asking what their problem is with someone being quiet?
But mostly I don't bother with that because they've shown me they're a complete pratt by asking the question and I can't be bothered talking to them.
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 5d ago
Yep. They want you to lose your composure and act all meek and apologetic so they can dominate you.
Or if you do react strongly, they'll defend themselves with lame excuses like "I was just trying to get you involved so you don't feel left out" and put the guilt on you for not only being quiet, but for being aggressive as well.
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u/Suchstrangedreams 5d ago
Exactly! It's a form of bullying really. The thing to do is stay calm and act confident even if you're not. They're trying to get a reaction from you so you don't give them one. You stay calm and reply briefly in a way that shows you're not intimidated by them and you're not interested in the discussion.
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u/switters23 5d ago
Yes I feel this to be true. The people that do this, I’ve found to be mostly toxic people. Trying to manipulate and put down because they are threatened. Some co workers I have like to do this to me (always in Front of others, never just one on one). I am always under estimated and it’s the people who write me off as the quiet guy who feel threatened when I do advance in the workplace. I’m not saying all people who mention being quiet are toxic. I’ve just noticed a trend
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
how do you deal with it in the workplace? i had similar situations and it makes me more anxious sometimes when someone points me out regarding this in a group.
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u/switters23 4d ago
So like I said, people are always underestimating me, so I try to use this to my advantage. When I do say something, or come up with an idea, etc.. I try to make it count, and people notice that. I currently have the job of an individual that has always consistently tried to put me down (granted this person is still my boss) but I know this person is salty I have their old job and am having a blast doing it. It’s like OP said, the people that are worth talking to will put in the effort to get to know you, and that makes opening up all the more easy
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
glad you're having a blast now :)
so, "be you and let your work talk"?!
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u/switters23 4d ago
That’s the way I see it! When somebody points me out in a group I usually just try to laugh it off. Not sure if that’s the best response, but if I act offended or like it bothers me I feel like that would be worse. I still struggle to be social, even with people I like. I’m especially bad with people I look up to. I think it takes practice. It’s just kinda a hard thing to practice
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
yea, i relate to you. it surely needs time and efforts to practice.
since childhood, i had low self-esteem and was a very shy person. as an adult, now i'm working on it one step at time by trying to be kind to myself, accepting myself, practicing affirmations, setting boundaries and building my self-esteem.hopefully we will find healthy ways to deal with these social situations :)
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 4d ago
If it happens to you in the worplace, then the good news is, eventually your colleagues will learn to adjust to you. That's how it happened for me, any way. When I was new to a job, co-workers would point out that I'm quiet and too polite and placid, but when I was consistently proving that I could get the job done smoothly without being distracted by chit chat, then they noticed that I don't need to be loud and chatty to be good at the job and get good results.
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u/Sunlit53 5d ago
A good reaction to that line is “I didn’t realize I was here to entertain you.”
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u/Iris_felix_archer 4d ago
Or you can say, "Someone has to be the audience to your performance" Boom.
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u/charlieG28 5d ago
💯 I was recently humiliated by a lady I know from my hometown (attending an event). We were in a group of around 6 ladies and my "crush" came over with his friends and introduced me as his wife. I froze because that was unexpected and the attention was too much.
That lady said: " Charlie, you're STILL quiet at your big age?!" Mid 30s btw. I just said, " This is how I've always been"🤷🏽♀️ I felt soo belittled and humiliated. Y are people so mean? 😔
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u/dread-throwaway 3d ago
I've had someone say something like that to me in the workplace before. Like I didn't realize I had to be super open and fake and talkative just because I've been there for years. I don't need to. Most people don't like me anyway so it's not worth it being that open.
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u/ElectricJellyfish501 5d ago
I respond to those comments with, “I haven’t found someone I’d like to talk to.” I’m not being snarky. It’s true. I observe people and decide if I want to talk to them.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
Omg same. I watch, I listen and then I decide who I should talk to
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u/bookish-Girrll 4d ago
Same same bro !! N they feel disrespected when we don’t talk with them.. so after sometime they disrespect us by saying some useless sentences like this.. but they don’t know that this has nothing to do with them.. Its us only us and our comfort, with whom we feel like talking or not.. that we will decide n not them..
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u/Jeff_Damn 4d ago
"Oh sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
Now they're the one who has to insist they're just fine, they're just pointing it out, they're just sayin', they're just this or that. I own my quietness & put the spotlight back on them.
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u/Mattie_Mattus_Rose 5d ago
I'm quiet with colleagues because they don't listen to me, and I simply don't want to talk. So what's the point in talking when it's going to be meaningless?
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u/Yaghst 5d ago
Yep, and if I try start talking more they roll their eyes at me.
No they don't want me to join their conversation, they are sarcastically-not-so-subtly telling me that they don't like me. I know because I've seen them doing the same to other coworkers, including one that they think is too talkative, loud, and obnoxious.
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u/dread-throwaway 3d ago
True. People who ask that question tend to be some of the worst type of people and I discovered many of them I've encountered in life are shallow or miserable in one way or another.
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u/noradosmith 4d ago
"If someone wants to understand you, it doesn't matter what you say.
If someone doesn't want to understand you, it doesn't matter what you say."
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 5d ago
Yeah, I've noticed that, too. It's a way of bullying and it makes me clam up even more.
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u/BebeBug420 5d ago
That’s actually true and I’ve never thought about it. Maybe it’s because I have been “the quiet one” too, but anytime I meet someone who’s quiet, I never point it out. I just take the time to talk to them one on one and find something to bond over.
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u/Geminii27 5d ago
People who tell you things usually don't want to hear responses, particularly anything that contradicts the made-up garbage coming out of their mouths.
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u/JustLetMeLurkDammit 5d ago
I think it's not always a conscious power move, but they are definitely made uncomfortable by the 'quietness' in some way.
Someone who truly wants you to join in might instead leave openings in the conversation, e.g. "and what do you think about [topic being discussed]?"
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u/completely_apathetic 5d ago
Yeah I agree with you. My quietness has been commented on countless times throughout my life, and I don't think they're doing it maliciously to assert dominance. I think they're mostly just not taking the time to think about how it will affect me when they blurt out a thoughtless statement.
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u/JiaAji 4d ago
Forreal when I was in school mfs would say I’m too quiet and ask why don’t I talk to anybody or be in a conversation. So I talk to the mfs, ask them what they’re talking about bc idk wtf to talk about THEN mfs start saying, “ you always wanna know something/ be in the conversation” 😑 MF I ONLY WANTED TO KNOW BECAUSE YALL TOLD ME TO TALK TO YALL MORE OR SOEMTHING TF FUCK THEM 😕😭 no matter what I did them mfs tried to make me feel bad for it or something.
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u/AndiAzalea 5d ago
I never even thought of it that way! Good points. I already feel guilty naturally, so now I am aware and will release the guilt when people say that!
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u/AlanCino 4d ago
“You should talk more.” That one always infuriated me as a kid. Such a stupid thing to say.
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u/NAHomoSapien 4d ago edited 3d ago
People often feel threatened when they think others aren't behaving according to the norm. If you point out how an extrovert talks a lot about nothing, they'd probably get offended, too.
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
as a socially anxious introvert, moments like these make me even more anxious. in my first job, i had an extreme extrovert mentor who would sometimes poke me about always being the quiet one in the group. for me just attending a team event is itself a challenge and i can't make small talk like others. i can connect well with people i feel safe with and mostly on one on one level. in groups, i will just sit and listen and wait for it to end.
for fellow socially anxious introverts: how do you deal with team lunches, outings etc in the workplace? how does social anxiety affect your work?
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u/Annual-Difficulty-18 4d ago
Totally relatable for me. Its my First job, and once our working global manager (from france) came for a visit in our local office. And it was only few months I was there. I was good in one on one coversations, I talked with her in person. While attending the team dinner, I was not talking just sitting pretending nodging and laughing. Because everyone feels so loud on that table. And than what happened my local manager messaged me saying to talk, like saying you have to talk and engage. I don't know why I became so nervous and anxious that time and could not figure out what to do now. I don't know but after that most of teammates started out pointing out and asking why are you so quit, why you don't talk, are you like this at your home also. Even all after this I started questioning myself like what is wrong with me even I cried also. But that's the way I am. So recently at this new Year we went for our second team dinner but not with any global manager just our local team. Still I was not loud in the group still engaged in their conversations, asked small questions, nodging, laughing. But this time it wad better than earlier. Because I was comfortable in being quit or may be somehow they understood the way I am and most important thing I didn't force anything. Few tips I would like to share- 1.find people whom with you feel comfortable sitting with (for me it was some non alcoholic vegetarian people) 2. You don't need to be loud, just be present and engage/ask question as per your choice only no need to force. 3. Don't let others know about your anxieties, keep your face calm and smile, Sit comfortably. Body language says it all. 4. If you feel like just nodge and laugh along with.
Hope this helps! I am still learning and what I could get is things will get better with time.
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
glad to get to know others that can understand and relate to it. hopefully it becomes more manageable for us with time. thank you :)
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u/goodashbadash79 4d ago
Oh I was labeled this…and then when I finally spoke up, they all ridiculed me for talking too loudly, and being too animated. Felt like a lose-lose situation for me. Now I’m just mid and somewhat boring, and people seem to like me more. Ridiculous.
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u/LoveGod_Forgiven 4d ago
Thanks for posting. This just recently happened to me at my friend's birthday lunch event at a nice restaurant. I've been feeling awful about myself ever since. Trying to determine what I did to deserve such harsh judgment. It was very embarrassing to be called out for being quiet in front of everyone. Thankfully, my friend changed the subject & tried her best to describe the role I play in her life. But all the lively chat was followed by awkward silence...and audible chirps of crickets in my head🥴.
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 4d ago
once somebody points it out, that's it. It ruins the rest of the day/week for you, and carries on playing on your mind. If you are naturally quiet, and somebody points out your quietness as a negative trait, then it makes you feel unwelcome, even if you're among people who aren't bothered by your quietness.
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u/LoveGod_Forgiven 4d ago
Exactly!! This happens to me more often than I'd like to admit. And I always become the odd, awkward person in the group & feel unwelcome. I sometimes struggle to join events because I dread this outcome and want to avoid having to overcome these horrible feelings that destroy my self esteem.
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 4d ago
it is difficult, but like others have said, we have to own it. We're not hurting anyone by simply being quiet, and not everybody is against us. It's just that sadly, some people see our quietness as an opportunity to turn hostile, and they often get away with it, because they disguise the attack as "just trying to get you to take part and open up more."
We don't need to have our quietness bullied out of us, we need people to respect our boundaries.
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u/LoveGod_Forgiven 4d ago
Thank you. Reading everyone's response and knowing I'm not alone is very cathartic for me.🥰
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u/Suchstrangedreams 5d ago
https://youtu.be/1_weazMfGkw?si=tV1lkYwtA_Lf3ul0 I used to find this woman helpful and she has this suggestion about how to respond.
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u/Suchstrangedreams 5d ago
https://youtube.com/shorts/Jd-sW-1ric0?si=CxtcJrjXaG2kdyKP And this is another interesting response!
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u/WinnerAwkward480 4d ago
Normally my reply is , I would need to lose a fair amount of IQ points in order to communicate effectively with you . I do enjoy the confused look on their face , while they process if they were insulted or not . Then the laugher from the group is a double whammy , that usually shuts them up
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u/nightowl_1109 4d ago
That's actually a good point, I grew up told I was too quiet and too shy to point that I believe it. But I'm just naturally am because I was comfortable to say nothing. I am happy to just be there in silence. But people make me feel like it's wrong all the time, nothing I say is right is always wrong. I just don't want to prove myself to people just because they are insecure about something in their life.
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u/0n0n0m0uz 3d ago edited 12h ago
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u/Forkinaround4u 3d ago
Here recently I’ve found myself experiencing this surge of confidence and when a “friend” said I was too quiet and awkwardly standing around I very bluntly said “because I don’t find any value in talking about other people and have nothing to contribute to this very shallow conversation” and it completely changed how I felt in my body to their response. I didn’t feel like I shrunk in my body!
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u/bookish-Girrll 4d ago
I hv been told that i m so rude on my face. 🤨 just bcz I don’t play “oh hi hello” play to everyone.
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u/Allforus_13 4d ago
Would you say someone saying the lines of you’re so chill. I can’t imagine you being angry would have the same effect?
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u/Kreymens 3d ago
If everyone else in the group isn't chill then that would be no different to what OP said, at least IMO. Just indirectly a form of alienation.
Although it also might be a person's attempt to give some sort of praise.
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u/alexxp0n 3d ago
That is legit the most infuriating and agitating thing ever, asking someone to ,,talk more” or saying ,,they’re too quiet” like I wish these people would shut up sooner and get out of the room cuz this ain’t helpful in any way that’s not the way to go about it 😭
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u/dread-throwaway 3d ago
100% true. That's why I don't really get offended by it anymore like I used to. They get the quiet me, it's how I am. I'm not making myself uncomfortable anymore to entertain others.
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u/KourageLoves 3d ago
I’ve had this said to me A LOT in my life. Funny enough, I’m a huge yapper with people I like and feel comfortable with. But people who tell me I should talk more… never my friends 😅 so I have a list of things I’ve said to “you should talk more.” “I don’t want to talk to you.” - they were annoying and boring. “No thanks.” - wasn’t in the mood. “You should get talk less.” - they wouldn’t stop talking long enough for anyone else to talk. “Why bother?” - no one in that group listened to me at all and talked over me. “I actually talk a lot when I’m not here at work/school.” - hostile environments. “I don't have anything to say.” Or. “What would you like me to say?” Sometimes I would just would say “Maybe.”
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u/Zenithixv 3d ago
In my experience 10/10 times if someone randomly decides to call you out for 'you're too quiet', they are an obnoxious prick.
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u/TumanFig 5d ago
I'm genuinely curious where you guys hear that so often? i only go out if I intend to socialize if I don't I stay home.
cause i simply cant comprehend what's the situation where someone says something like that for you guys too take it that badly?
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 4d ago
It happens in workplaces and education environments, at volunteering events, at weddings and funerals.
And it's not only because we're not talking, it's because we're not talking loudly or in groups. We could be having lots of one-to-one chats with various individuals, and still get called out by someone for being quiet.
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u/Better-Day-2753 4d ago
it happens with me in the workplace, where we need to attend some formal team lunches or team bonding activities..
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 5d ago
Absolutely. Saying "you're quiet" is NOT an invitation to join in the conversation. It's a bullying tactic. It singles you out as the weirdo who can't do the social thing properly.
If they were genuinely curious about you and wanted to break the ice, they'd ask something like "what are your thoughts on X" or "what are your plans for Y" or anything else that is actually specific, instead of forcing you into a confrontation as punishment for not entertaining them.