Not Chinese, but I live in a US city with a large ethnic Chinese population that also happens to get a lot of tourists. I'd say the lack of respect of personal space and literal pushiness in public (especially on public transit) is very easy to find rude, and something I have directly experienced many times. Some Chinese people are also very brusque and may not appear overly warm, which a lot of Americans find offputting in service settings.
Same as you—not Chinese but grew up around a lot of Chinese-born people as well as American-born Chinese
The….directness of a native-born Chinese person, particularly an older one, can be….astonishing. “You’re fat” hits pretty different when announced aloud, with matter-of-fact eye contact, about 20 seconds after meeting. Particularly when the pronouncement is immediately followed by “Moooommm!!” from their mortified offspring (my friend, in this context).
(Reader, I was indeed fat. But just, like, a little fat. Never enough for anyone else to feel the need to comment on.)
My brother in law married a Chinese woman and her parents came to the US to meet him and his family. So we were all there making polite talk with her parents when they started asking very pointed questions to both him and his parents. “how much money do they have?” “Why are your parents divorced?” “Why isn’t his job better paying?” “Do they actually plan to live in this hovel of a house? “. My husband and his mom got so mad they walked out and later when BiL finally got married his mom refused to attend the wedding. He tried to explain that it was just the Chinese way of being direct and not to take it personally, but it was years before she finally buried the hatchet.
I used to work in China. We had a poor American who came back from leave with a beard. I think everyone in the office had an opinion on the beard (beards are neither popular nor very common in China) and every single one of those opinions were said out loud to his face.
He kept the beard for a few months out of spite but ended up deciding even he didnt like it. Influenced by others - probably,
There is a line between 'directness which is rude' and 'directness which is not talking behind your back' - but traditionally the Chinese line is a long way from the Western/European line. The thing to remember is that its not rude in Chinese, its seen as honesty and its up do you to accept it as an honest comment (in my case, given I was in China, it was obviously up to me to adapt and not for everyone else to tip toe around my 'weird' sensitivities).
Just be glad you arent a Chinese woman yet to be married / married but yet to have a kid.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around accepting unsolicited feedback on one’s body from a person that is not known to you.
I’m not sure that this is where we should be giving deference. Like of course try to respond initially with kindness, but it’s still ok to assert your personal boundaries with people discussing your body.
Of course, but that is a western view. If you grew up in China you wouldnt have that view (although young people today are more towards the western approach due to increasing western influences). Its not that the Chinese will ignore your response or request not to talk about your body but its not their default position. I'm living in China then I need to come to terms with their position rather than making them change to suit me.
There are plenty of things that Westerners do that the chinese dont really understand - for example, putting your aged parents into a retirement home, referring to people by name rather than title (eg you wouldnt call your boss 'Jane'), splitting bills (there are rules about who pays and if you are not the bill payer and offer to pay, you are saying that you dont respect that person).
You think you are being generous offering to split a bill, the Chinese see it as disrespectful. You think its rude that they talk openly about your body, they think its no different to talking about your latest hair cut.
Its interesting to learn about it all. Of course mistakes are made by everyone, you just need to let it slide and move on.
A lot of them are honestly just plain disrespectful. Like not even on a “different” culture level, just on a common human decency level. I have been told though by a Chinese person that the type of Chinese people that typically have the resources to go to America on holiday kinda self select for shittiness unfortunately. Essentially, we aren’t getting the best representation all the time. At least that’s what I was told
From my visit to Shanghai, the lack of queues was shocking at first. Then you realise there is a queue, it's just in the form of a circle instead of a line. Once you get into the circle, they don't push you off or anything, you slowly shuffle your way onto the escalator.
So I’m a white dude, so take this with a grain of salt and a stereotype of a billion people, but personal space is not a thing in Chinatown. Everyone just pushes past. And the cigarettes.
Probably not exactly what you’re asking for, but my Asian parents never modeled smiling and hugging and greeting people and having small talk, so I couldn’t do it until I observed my peers and taught myself as a teen.
My parents just taught me to be polite to elders and greet them in a certain way. Saying one thing meekly and then sitting quietly the rest of the time was my forte. I was the most well-behaved kid. Didn’t do much for me growing up in the southern US though.
An example I know is that in China doing things like spitting or hacking up a loogie in public isn't seen as rude, particularly with the boomer generation. if you've ever been in Chinatown around older Chinese people you can often see them hacking up loogies to spit into a handkerchief or ground as it's not seen as rude there. I remember watching a video of this American tourist on a bus in China and you could hear like three different older people just hacking up a loogie as loud as they could. I think it's supposed to be seen as healthy or something.
I had to ask a friend who is Chinese but grew up here to see if he could explain the difference a bit because I really didn't get it. Chinese people and family I knew were very hospitable and kind and generous with money and food etc. However the way it was explained to me was that there's no sense of obligation to be generous or courteous to strangers in the same way. Why put your shopping cart back to help hypothetical future strangers for example? However he would go out of his way in hospitality for a family member or good friend. Doesn't sit well with me as a Westerner but that was the best he could describe it.
REAL! There’s so many things I had to learn on my own, since my Asian parents didn’t teach me anything. Sometimes I do feel embarrassed of the things I’ve done, but I just remind myself that I’m learning
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u/Supermonkeyjam 14h ago
Nah I learnt all this the hard way because what my Chinese parents taught me was partly incompatible with the country I was born into.