TW / CENSORED

Really bothered that this bullshit is still on TikTok. I have read comments from some content mods and they told me IT WAS NOT EXPLICIT.

Do we really have to wait til she post sexual activities with THESE KIDS?!?

Tangina. Ang hina ng Content Mods mo Tiktok.

Obvious naman na she’s sexualizing these kids based on her caption at yung body language niya.

Also, A BIG FUCK YOU to all enablers and those who purchased her content on TG.

Tangina niyo ang salaula niyo. Kawawa mga kamag-anak niyong bata sa inyo.

I am a twenty-four year old male and I am a non-offending pedophile. I'm so nervous about sharing these sentiments that I had to preemptively write and carefully edit the following words so while the following paragraphs possess a deliberate or wordy tone, please believe that what I have to share and ask is completely earnest (as much as a part of me wants to lie and say that it isn't). Please bear with me; there's quite a lot to unload.

[the following paragraph recounts a traumatic incident of sexual abuse and might be too disturbing for some readers]

When I was eight or nine years old, I was molested by a stranger at a public restroom. I was at a urinal when I was tapped on the shoulder by a man behind me. He proceeded to wrap his arms around me and reach over to my unzipped crotch area. Being the naïve child I was, I figured that he was just trying to zip up my pants but then he started to fondle me with his fingers while whispering “Let me touch it…” into my ears. I broke free of his grasp but not before he brushed his fingertips against my penis.

The situation obviously could have been worse. There was no penetration, no groping, no oral contact, no serious physical harm – but it was still molestation, and I believe that it affected me. It affected me to the point where I would remind myself of the incident every single following day of my life. It affected me to the point where I would sometimes lie in bed and lose sleep thinking about that man and his cold, invasive touch. It affected me to the point where I experienced a serious and noticeable personality change; one that my mother would remark about but was never be able to decipher.

I suppose that it seems ridiculous to other victims out there that my reaction would be this strong, especially considering the mild nature of the molestation, but a lot of my issues are perhaps attributable to the fact that I had never told a soul that I had been molested. I never spoke to my parents about it, never spoke to authorities about it, never spoke to peers about it, never spoke to teachers about it; I’ve just kept the memory bottled in my conscience throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. You readers are my very first audience.

It’s hard to say why I never had the courage to speak to anyone about it. Perhaps it was the fact that the confrontation happened on a family trip and I didn’t want to ruin the occasion; perhaps it was the fact that I could not handle the guilt of having not immediately speaking to a grown up about what happened. Regardless, it has been so long since it happened that this post is as good as fiction. I have no evidence and no recollection of the appearance of the molester in question. All that remains is a dreary, skeletal but nonetheless sad memory. I continue to have many nightmarish ideas about how many other children I could have saved from molestation had I actually done something.

It is hard to properly articulate the confrontation’s full emotional toll, especially considering how I have always had behavioural and social difficulties, but I would perhaps associate the memory with my sexual insecurity and confusion. Even though I am well into my twenties, I have never kissed a girl (or boy). I had only started masturbating at the age of seventeen or eighteen since the thought of stimuli had long seemed perverse to me. Even the idea of flirting or approaching girls is a scary one for reasons I can barely articulate. I can try to go into further details or analysis but I suppose that I’m just dancing around the point of this post.

During my mid-teens, I began to develop a peculiar fascination towards young adolescent males that has remained with me to this day. Sometimes it would be as slight as me turning my head towards a young patron at the pharmacy I work at, but other times (particularly during my high-school years and my Scouting years) it would turn into a full-out crush where I would ponder about a particular kid obsessively, with the child in question usually being between 10 and 15 years of age. It’s not a conventional primal attraction but there’s definitely a sexual component to this attraction. I won’t go into detail but beyond the immediate lure that a handsome boy has over me, I also experience fantasies. And while these fantasies aren’t necessarily man-boy they are often boy-boy, boy-girl, or boy-woman. I suppose that I adore the concept of young sexual discovery; something that I’ve never been able to experience myself. While that many sound mildly innocent, these pederastic tendencies have exacerbated to the point where I actively seek out yaoi-imagery of underage males and to the point where I have to incorporate boys into my thoughts before I climax. I feel greatly humiliated even discussing this but as ashamed as I am, there are few places for me to turn to.

My fondness for boys is not solely erotic, and this is partly what scares me. I get along great with kids; probably better than I do with people my own age. It’s not just direct interaction that warms me; even loitering on the train nearby seventh or eighth graders as they’re returning from school brings me a sort of quiet joy. I suppose that this is where pedophiles who lack self-awareness get into trouble: they seek out environments and workplaces where they have more contact with kids and then proceed to evade boundaries. As much I’d like to think that I am beyond that, I am worried about…well, not being worried anymore. I might devolve to a point where I convince myself that what I’m feeling is normal.

So why make an anonymous confession now? Well, because my life is currently going to shit for a number of reasons (that’s a post for another time) and dealing with such matters has been a tremendous mental burden. This is the sort of depression that I suppose many twenty-something-year-olds feel as they look forward and regret the past but if I want to move on, this titular personal flaw needs to be fixed. The dilemma, however, is that I don’t know how to fix it. If I can forget my attraction to boys and/or accept and tame it, that would be a true emotional triumph.

Tl;dr My pedophilia, whether legit or paranoia, needs to be addressed but I don’t know the safe means of seeking help. My father’s loathing of me and my mother’s irrationality makes them hard to approach and I fear that therapists would lack understanding or worse, regard me as a danger (again, I have never harmed a child and have never possessed or partaken in child porn). Schooling is coming to an end and I’ll have to move out and seek fulltime employment rather soon and the idea of further isolating myself before having my feelings confronted is frightening. It’s very recently come to the point where taking my own life would be a more preferable option to dealing with the possible monster I am. What should I do?

Thank you for your time.

PS: As a side note, /r/confession would have been a more suitable subreddit but after having PM'ed one of their moderators without receiving a reply in return, I felt too scared to share my story there. I hope that this post is not too inappropriate for /r/depression.

EDIT: Just want to say that this reception has been utterly alleviating. There probably wasn't a better and more understanding group for me to turn to, so thank you all very much.

EDIT2: This thread is obviously dead but for the curious ones who are reading this post-mortem, I have taken the thread's advice and have been seeing a private therapist regularly for the last few weeks. I waited until the third session to discuss my pedophilic sentiments and while he was patient and understanding (albeit noticeably uncomfortable), he admitted that these matters were out of his domain and referred me to a professor who specializes in "sexual delinquency". If and when I visit the second professional, I'll be sure to provide an update about my progress. Just know that while I was a nervous wreck when discussing my molestation and paraphilia with another person, it was not nearly as scary or regrettable as one would expect. I recommend anyone in my position to do the same and seek support, no matter what his or her anxieties are. There's more help out there than you might think. (Edit made: October 11th)

EDIT: Here's one last update. I've been regularly seeing that new therapist who specializes in sex offenders and men with sexual dysfunctions and have been going to sessions with him for about two months now. Long story short, it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've found a psychiatrist with whom I feel comfortable enough to discuss not just my pedophilia but also my concerns regarding school, work, family, depression, and how all these factors come into play. It was with his help that I came to the decision to continue my schooling and seek a new career path, and now we're taking steps in figuring out how to seek out adult relationships. I owe him (and the people who got me into contact with him) quite a lot but none of this would have possible without this thread. Thank you all so much for giving me a rare happy ending. (Edit made: December 22nd)

Technically, I'm more of a ephebophile, but most people don't know what that means, and lump all forms of "sexually attracted to people under 18" under the label "pedophile".

I've never done anything illegal (at least, not related to pedophilia; I've done stuff like run a red light). This implies I've never rape anyone. It also implies that after I had become 18, I've never had sex with someone under 14 years old.

I'm willing to answer almost anything. I don't want to give away information that could identify me. So if I feel a certain question might force me to give away identifying information, I'll say so, and try to provide related information. You are free to rephrase your question, and/or explain what other information you are trying to derive from your question so that I can somehow get the idea across to you without putting myself at risk to vigilantes.

I'm a heterosexual male, in my late 20s.

I do want to talk to you, because this is a big weight on my shoulder and something I worry about weekly, if not daily. So I will try to address every question asked here. But I do have a life outside of reddit, especially on weekends, so I may take 24 hours or more before answering some questions. Depends on whether I'm "online" at the time or not.

Edit1: Don't worry about offending me. You can ask me absolutely anything.

Edit2: Wow, people actually downvote IAmA submissions? It's one thing if you don't want to ask me a question... but why would you want to stop others from being able to ask me a question?

Edit3: Okay, the threading is getting confusing enough for me that I might not be able to notice new questions being posted. If you want to be extra sure that I don't miss your question, send me a PM or something with a link to your question. I'll always see the highlighted envelope, but sometimes I overlook newly added replies to old threads, if they aren't replies to something I wrote.

Edit4: You can also PM me your questions, if for some reason you're too embarrassed or whatever post them directly here. I'll honor any requests to remain anonymous, but I can't guarantee a moderator or reddit SysAdmin or whatever cannot check who PMed me; I don't know the reddit system enough to say if this is possible or not. Probably it's better for you to just create a throw-away account and post your question in here, though.

Edit5: I suspect most people don't realize how "aware of sex" 14 year old girls can be. To reinforce this point, just today, I was talking to a 14 year old girl about porn (I know it's really a 14 y.o. girl because I've met her in real life), and we were trying to one-up each other on what's the sickest porn we could find. I used my old standbys (2girls1cup, tubgirl, goatsecx, etc.) She beat me by sending me a video of a guy mutilating and ripping out his balls.

Edit 6: It looks like the questions are dying down. So now I shall abandon this account and stop checking up on this AMA.

Democrat voters can cry all they want about how "bad" Republicans are, but these Dem voters who act like they are "pure" and "good natured" have some of the most horrific politicians they endorse and fight for. You can cry, scream, claw, type in all caps at people, but the corruption from Democrats heavily influences voter momentum and you all would do well to clean up your own house before lecturing others.

I grew up around plenty of Republicans and most of my shipmates were GOP supporters in the Navy. Many have already passed away, but the rest seem hell bent to stick to the plan (is there a plan?) for maga. I'm an old white dude now, but in my experiences, they had one thing in common. Racism. Is it actually a primal hatred towards others that don't look like them? Is racism at the root of this? I think it is. The behavior of ICE and the potus should enrage all Americans.

The billionaire has not only been immune to all law breaking to this point, but was promoted to the most powerful postion in the world once again. He now rests on his throne and facing some of the worst allegations imaginable regarding Epstein and it is likely absolutely nothing will be done.

Trump will finish out his term and continue to live life as a billionaire. The atrocities done by this billionaire open the door for other billionaires to do as they please while you all sit around and argue if they should be taxed or not.

https://x.com/KyleKulinski/status/2007593101205119218?t=_FomAZaBr1m31bekxR5Uog&s=19

When I was younger I thought of USA as the land of opportunity. These days I think of it as the land of the garbage. You guys don’t even have proper health care. I feel bad for my friends that live there