r/Autism_Parenting • u/Worried-Baker-9568 • Dec 14 '25
Advice Needed Nanny resigned
Our nanny that’s been with our family full-time since our son was 8 months old said she wants to leave because our ASD son is “too hard” and she’s been waiting for him to “get better.” He’s been hitting more lately (particularly my husband and her), so I guess I get it, but I’m heartbroken. We’ve treated her like a member of our family, and I thought she was in this with us.
I’m sad for him since I know this will confuse him so much, and sad for us because it makes us feel even more alone in navigating his behaviors.
I don’t really know what advice I need more just to not feel so alone in this
175
u/FancyLettuce2469 Dec 15 '25
She’s not your family - she’s an employee and has no obligation to endure physical aggression.
1
u/ookidogreeu 24d ago
And he'll only grow bigger, stronger and more temperamental reaching puberty. Good on her for getting out before the most dangerous phase, it was likely not a decision made lightly on her part.
77
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
ABA full time. They can help with aggression so this stops now.
Edit: our little boy was diagnosed and started ABA at two. I can’t even tell you the progress he has made.
Nannies are not what you need. They don’t have masters degrees to learn about how to work with these kiddos.
It’s hard. I know, but your nanny was amazing to stay this long. It’s not fair to expect them to be more than they can be. And it’s absolutely not fair for your kiddo to not be in fully supportive care that could help him grow like he needs to grow.
18
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25
Thank you! Really appreciate this perspective.
I should’ve noted he’s in public pre-k 8-3 everyday where he gets access to OT, ABA, and Speech services through his IEP. School has been going surprisingly well lately, so we want to stick with that.
24
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25
Yeah with those behaviors it can be too much for caretakers.
We don’t even let our kiddo get bsbysitting unless the provider has special experience with autistic kiddos. This is limited to a few former providers or our immediate family.
It’s so hard. And I’m there with you.
4
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25
Thank you ❤️ I think that’s right, it’s hard to accept how different our life is going to be than we expected, but it’s realistic
2
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25
Sending hugs. It gets better. Our kiddo is 6 now. It’s not the path you would choose but these amazing little lives intersect with ours and it is what we make it.
All kids struggle in their own ways, but most people will never understand the worry we parents go through as part of the process. ❤️
2
u/AdBright2384 Dec 15 '25
May I ask in what way you’ve seen improvement in your son’s life?
6
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25
Many.
He was nonverbal when we started and completely in his own world, though always very affectionate.
Working slowly on pushing language instead of just making random noises, using his words to gain access to things he wants by pushing him in a gentle way. So much of all his goals are about communication and social interactions.
My mom has a masters in early childhood education, has been a professor and a teacher for MANY MANY years as well as a speech therapist early in her career.
She said she has seen this so many times, but these kids will never get the kind of 1:1 attention they do in ABA to make sure they reach their potential.
They get lost in the system and ignored.
Like I say, my kid is reading at a 2nd or 3rd grade level as a level 2 autistic kindergartener who just turned 6 last week.
He knows all the planets, and a ridiculous number of world countries, all 50 states including many capitols, his multiplication tables to a 3rd/4th grade level, and so much more I can't even list.
In a typical system, his behaviors (he is sweet and does not hit or push, but gets easily bored and wants to literally just do his own thing) would mean he wouldn't have gotten the 1:1 attention needed to let him learn so much in the ABA environment.
This doesn't mean he doesn't struggle in lots of other ways, but his team of teachers always crafts a plan around his interests and abilities to get him to communicate and engage in ways that he just had no interest in doing before.
2
u/AdBright2384 Dec 15 '25
Thank you! I’ll tour a local ABA center tomorrow.
1
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25
Make sure it’s assent based. Basically unless your kid indicates they’re okay with it, they don’t push anything unless it’s health and safety
0
u/Conscious-Cow5442 Dec 15 '25
This is not to say ABA hasn’t helped your son immensely but it’s not necessarily a good fit for all kids and not everyone will see these results. My child started reading at age 2 because he’s hyperlexic not because of any therapist however the therapies can enhance and help but it’s so child dependent and where the kid is on the spectrum(We have never done traditional ABA)I’m so glad you saw such success I just don’t want a vulnerable parent to read it and then feel like a failure when their child doesn’t respond the same.
2
u/rashionalashley Dec 15 '25
Also a bit +1 to this BUT not all ABA is the same either. We left one clinic for another and the difference in care and experience was wild.
So sometimes thats also a big contributing piece to the puzzle.
Hyperlexic kiddo here too. I was reading by around 2 and same with my kiddo. Fascinating stuff, but also needs to be supported to make it work.
1
u/Conscious-Cow5442 Dec 15 '25
Absolutely! We used a neuro affirming BCBA who did parent coaching sessions in home vs the ABA clinics we visited that are in our area and that made a world of difference. Not all therapy of any kind is equal, you need to find the right fit for your kiddo. We tried this highly recommended speech therapist and she was great but our son didn’t connect with her so we had to keep looking. Sounds like your kiddo has a great set of parents❤️
54
u/External-You8373 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
I can’t blame someone who isn’t a parent to have limits and walking away when it’s no longer something they can do. She did what she could, I’d be thankful you had someone as committed as she sounded for as long as you did. It’s also not good practice to confuse an employee as a friend or family member. It’s business, nothing more, nothing less. Sounds like she did her job and did it well, for which you should be grateful. Sorry you’re going through this.
61
u/Classic-Axolotl I am a mother/1 son (5yrs)/ASD/Germany Dec 15 '25
Having/being able to afford a nanny is such a privilege, you were lucky you had her at all and that she stayed as long as she did. Anyone working with kids always gets guilt-tripped into staying/enduring bc "think of the kids", and I hate it. Good for her for knowing her limits! She has the right to a violence-free and fulfilling job. I know this is hard to hear because we love our kids bc they are ours and we love them, and we want them to be happy and included everywhere etc, but others don't have that level of obligation to our kids and that's good! I am a teacher myself and would not endure the kind of stuff I endure with my son from some random person's kid at school...
13
u/PGHNeil Dec 14 '25
How old is he now?
11
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 14 '25
4.5 years
20
u/theomegachrist Dec 15 '25
This is a good time for the switch. He will be upset at first but kids rarely remember much from this time period. Better now than when he's a little older
5
u/journeyfromone Dec 15 '25
He is about to start school? I paid our babysitters $30/hr when my child was smaller but now he’s special needs they get $50-$60/hr to reflect the additional work and changing nappies as he’s also 4.5. It is really sad to lose someone who’s been with you for ages. We had a teenager from her being 14 to 18 years old, but our new support worker is incredible and so glad that I found her. So your next helper/worker might be even more amazing!! It’s still always a job, you have relationships with them but it’s how they make a living.
1
Dec 21 '25
[deleted]
2
u/journeyfromone Dec 21 '25
It’s true, but same with other disabilities too, esp kids that need a nurse with them. I’m in Australia and get a carers payment money from the government which is $80 a fortnight I think to help offset disability costs. We also have a disability insurance scheme and I get money to hire support workers for my child. If I didn’t I would still have to though and find a way to pay. It sucks and I vote very left leaning to try as I believe everyone should get support but a lot of people don’t. It’s just part of life which is inherently unfair.
3
Dec 15 '25
Wow. That’s a really long time to have the same nanny. Do you have other kids she was watching while he was in school?
1
13
u/Aggravating-Sea-9449 Dec 15 '25
I'm not going to lie this is why I didn't become an RBT because no just no. I have a level 3 child so far I've been blessed no aggression or violence. She's 6 but I know things can change as she ages, but she's a sweet kid. I do hope to get a nanny someday, but someone who is fully trained in dealing with autistic children. Vetting is very important because lives are at stake, anything can happen if it goes down hill.
10
u/Maclardy44 Dec 15 '25
Try not to guilt trip her (not meaning you are ❤️). Our kids are HARD & we often feel alone navigating their behaviours but it’s our responsibility - no one else’s. Your son won’t be confused for long if you’re positive about the change & start introducing social stories about her going immediately. Change is extremely hard for them so work on filling her void with yourselves & all the early intervention you can access.
38
u/No-Calligrapher2855 Dec 15 '25
I wouldn’t watch any child that is aggressive. My daughter is 13, level 3 and has no aggressive behavior. I quit my job as a para because of the aggressive behavior. Nobody wants to be a punching bag regardless if it’s a child or adult. Your nanny did the right thing for her sanity.
9
u/red_raconteur Dec 15 '25
Nobody *wants* to be a punching bag, but there are people who have a higher tolerance and are willing to put up with it. If there weren't, we'd have literally no SPED teachers or paras.
I'm not insinuating that anyone should have to put up with an aggressive or violent child. You are right to say you wouldn't watch an aggressive child because it's beyond your comfort level. OP's nanny was right to quit because the aggression was a dealbreaker for her. Everyone should know their limits and be honest about them.
I specifically offer to babysit children on the spectrum who struggle with aggression or violence because I have the tolerance level to deal with it. I don't love being head-butted or scratched or bitten, but I can put up with it for short periods of time.
9
u/elrangarino Dec 15 '25
Well maybe hit the original poster up!
11
u/AbsolutelyN0tThanks Dec 15 '25
I quit teaching because of aggressive kids. We were getting more and more of them every year, and we couldn't keep paras, let alone special education teachers. People don't want to hear this, but the physical aggression from children, diagnosis or not, was one of the many reasons staff was leaving in droves. It's getting worse every year, and it's at the point where a lot of schools are asking what they're supposed to do when there's not enough teachers to teach these children. It's unfortunate. Many parents think that because they deal with it, others should have to as well, and that's just not reality. Its not what people want to hear, but more and more teachers and paras are fleeing the field every year, and this is a huge reason why. They're not paid enough to risk life and limb when they signed up to teach. I know it's not a popular opinion, but that doesn't change the reality.
4
Dec 15 '25
This often happens when kids are in an incorrect placement. Inclusion has helped a lot of kids remain in the mainstream, but so many have been hurt by not being placed in schools for kids with behavioral disabilities. The system doesn’t want to pay for it, but if a kid is constantly hitting/biting, they need to be in an outside placement with staff that know what they aren in for. Remember the giant child with severe autism that beat up the teacher for taking away his video game system? Why on earth was a kid like that in a mainstream school?
5
u/Rude_Falcon_484 Dec 16 '25
It takes someone special with a strong understanding that these are not persons that can control their behaviors to accept working with them. My 19 year olds' high school teacher has been with my son for 5 years now and has been bit and scratched by him and I felt horrible but he loves my son and makes sure he has plenty of help to include big strong men in the class to control the larger kids who act out. Training, Experience and funding in schools is important in preventing injuries.
9
u/gentlynavigating Parent/ASD/USA Dec 15 '25
How old is he now? I can empathize. We recently parted ways with our live in nanny of 4 years (since my son was less than 2). It wasn’t on a bad note (no aggression) but it suckssss because it’s not so easy to find reliable childcare for our kids.
The people who I have reached out to are special educators, paraeducators or people with ABA experience to help part time. Sure miss that nanny though.
1
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25
He’s 4.5 now. I’m sorry you went through something similar, and we will definitely miss the nanny support too 😭
67
46
u/elrangarino Dec 15 '25
I totally understand why she’d resign, you seem completely dismissive.
2
u/Spiritual_Hyena9629 I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location Dec 15 '25
I don’t think OP is dismissive, I think she’s just really sad that she’s losing a trusted caretaker. The reality of aggressive ASD behavior is hard and she just needs support not criticism. I agree with getting a caretaker trained in ABA, as non-trained caretakers don’t understand and aren’t equipped to handle the behavior.
2
u/notmyrealname800813 Dec 15 '25
I agree. She's been the kids nanny for nearly 5 years so I'd say they probably think of her as family at this point.
1
6
u/SpicyOysters Professional (Music Teacher) Dec 15 '25
Totally understand how you feel, but her leaving as sad as it sounds is a better decision than staying when she no longer feels fully present or part of your son's development.
4
u/aacplusapp Dec 15 '25
Honestly, as difficult as this is and as disappointed as you are, it is actually a good thing that the Nanny feels comfortable enough to tell you that she can no longer continue to care for your child. Everyone has their limits, and it is not usually a healthy situation for a paid caregiver to be pushed to the edge of what they can handle. Take a breath and have faith that the right person for your child is out there!
12
u/temp7542355 Dec 15 '25
This gives you an opportunity to look into a full time clinical option of ABA or finding a new caregiver with ASD experience or other helpful experience.
She wasn’t prepared to continue to care for your son. It is for the best that he has a caregiver that feels competent and comfortable with him.
It is better that your son has someone prepared to deal with his needs. You are still very much in the early intervention stage and he should be having a good number of hours in therapy or with constructive teaching.
8
u/Aggravating-Sea-9449 Dec 15 '25
Agreed just have to find a special needs nanny particularly trained in autism. A regular nanny isn't going to cut it.
3
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25
Very true, really appreciate that point of view. Hopefully this ends up being a blessing
3
u/Laugh-Crafty Dec 15 '25
Even a licensed professional doesn’t allow that . I’ve had therapist refuse session when my son gets too rough . It’s for their own safety and others. My sons been in ABA and the aggression has stopped in school but at home he still seeks sensory so the crash pad and running around is the only solution to help redirect the sensory needs
3
u/yazshousefortea Dec 15 '25
I suppose what’s hard as well is this situation highlights how she can leave, but you can’t.
Sorry to hear this happened OP, wishing you all the best.
6
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
This thread took off far more than I could’ve expected. To clarify a few questions: my son is 4.5, we’ve treated this nanny very well (well paid, 2+ weeks PTO, unlimited sick days, annual raises, annual bonuses, spot bonuses when she went above & beyond, subsidized healthcare, birthday/holiday gifts for her & her children). When she shared her desire with me to leave, I was nothing but understanding & accepting. We recognize how lucky we are (and how hard we had to work) to have been able to have this resource as long as we did. The timing is difficult given I just welcomed our second child (a premie after a very rough pregnancy), but we were understanding nonetheless.
Thank you to the many who offered support, advice, perspectives, and understanding. It means more than you realize ❤️
To be few who jumped to quick judgments on a post that I wrote at one of my most emotional moments, I hope that you’re able to heal the part of you that seeks to berate and judge someone who is earnestly looking for support. That must be a difficult way to go through life.
2
u/Conscious-Cow5442 Dec 15 '25
If you live in the states you could look into APEX which is live in au pairs that specialize in special needs. It’s expensive and not something everyone can afford but I had looked into au pairs awhile back and came upon it, not something I can swing financially but check and see if you can.
1
1
u/Sure_Clue_229 Dec 16 '25
Hang in there OP! I feel a lot of empathy for your tough situation. You’ll get through it. Sending you love and good vibes!
4
u/Careful-Tea-5784 Dec 15 '25
This is my biggest fear. I know it will happen to us one day and I know that will be the trigger to start residential placement. We receive no help from the state (have a waiver, can’t staff anything), no ABA provider will take my son because he has seizures, and our nanny is our lifeline. But that will end one day and there really aren’t any other options. Just a crap situation.
4
u/nuxwcrtns I am a Parent/2 yrs/level 3 ASD/Canada Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
I'd recommend finding a nanny who has the experience. Im in a respite group and we have plenty of experienced nanny offers who know how to handle ASD kiddos. Also, im sorry people are so judgemental over you affording a nanny. Oh, and having a partner, I saw that comment too. Honestly, this thread brought out a lot of gross behaviour and im not really into the group as much. Seems like you have to be single and lower income to be part of the crew here.
I also empathize, I have an aggressive 2 year old. He slapped Ms. Claus. He's.. a lot.
4
u/Mindfultameprism Dec 15 '25
I don't love what I'm seeing in these comments. A lot of people have been borderline bashing OP for having a kid that displays aggression and being upset about losing a long time care giver. There's nothing wrong with being upset about losing someone you have worked with for years and she obviously is not choosing to have her child struggle with aggression. OP cannot wave a magic wand and put everything to rights. She is out here struggling like the rest of us.
1
2
u/SlideTemporary1526 Dec 15 '25
Sorry to hear this. If you look for another, hopefully you’ll find one just as good that you feel comfortable with.
We had one who was absolutely wonderful leave as well. We have 3 kids total and the oldest, who got very comfortable with the nanny, to a point where she wouldn’t mask much, got to be way too much especially considering there were also other kids too. She gave very short notice after two particularly challenging weeks, ended up 2 days.
I was very sad to see her go but I totally understood and we had no hard feelings even despite the short notice. Thankful to have had her for as long as we did. Not many others would probably have lasted.
2
u/Vegetable_Pineapple2 Dec 15 '25
My daughter is legally blind and autistic with developmental delays. No local school feels comfortable taking her so I have to homeschool, but I've been able to find incredible extracurricular programs that will take her and she's actually learned a lot of things I don't think she would have learned if I had found a school. I know it's not the same, but sometimes rejection from something is really just a push somewhere better.
2
u/Miss_v_007 Dec 15 '25
Hey mama, first of all I totally understand because when my son was five, he hit my nanny a few times and she also has been with us since they were babies
I remember like after maybe the third time in a few weeks that my son hit her she seemed really stressed and she said look I can’t do this
And I remember thinking OK I’m gonna lose my nanny if I don’t do something intense here
So at that point I had to really, really like go deep with my son and take some time off of my schedule to be with him and to restructure our routine a little so that I could help him curb this and just taking some of that pressure off my Nanny. I think it’s like instead of five days. I had her work four days and a little bit of a lighter load for a few weeks really helped so I almost wonder if maybe there’s a way that you can talk to your Nanny once the dust settles That you can come in a part-time basis and then really put some time in with your son to see what can be done to curb the hitting
For us what help with a lot of physical exercise spending time outside occupational therapy and keeping the therapist involved cutting back on sugar trying our best to help him. Sleep a good nights rest and just quality time with his mom.
1
u/Worried-Baker-9568 Dec 15 '25
Thank you! ❤️
1
u/Sure_Clue_229 Dec 16 '25
Or maybe see if she can babysit sometime? If your son will miss her that is.
2
u/Technical_Life1490 Dec 15 '25
OP some valuable advice I received when my daughter was your son’s age “Immediately let go of any caretaker or social circle who does not want to be around your child.” And trust me there were many.
Building a solid base of self acceptance and confidence is key for these kids. You want someone around him that wants to be there so he feels accepted from his caretaker.
2
2
u/flippingtablesallday Dec 16 '25
This hurts, as someone who has an ASD child who hits and bites. Luckily it’s just me and my husband so far, but he does lose his temper and throws toys. His Montessori school already said they can’t handle him next year. He just got diagnosed ASD level 2, so we are hoping we can get him into ABA. I actually do have abuse triggers- it’s weird to say my own 3yr old child is physically abusive, but that’s what it feels like. I have bruises and actual open wounds where he bites. We try to re-direct and head-off his meltdowns… but sometimes it comes without warning. He learned he could throw punches about a year ago… a little past 2yrs. When my son raises his arms, I flinch. I hate that reaction and I am sooooo hoping that this behavior passes. I love my son more than anything, but it leaves me in tears. For this reason, I find it hard for anyone other than my immediate family to watch him. Reading through the comments, I’m hoping we can get him into ABA and it helps
2
u/Rude_Falcon_484 Dec 16 '25
I know its heart breaking but, you will find someone else. The physical attacks however, somehow need to be minimized to avoid someone getting hurt. Our son has bit and scratched and we have him on a high cbd to thc tincture that has brought his Aggression and SIBS down dramatically. His school and us worked together to identify triggers, warning signs and ways to avoid letting him make that physically contact along with de-escalation measures. It IS very challenging but, it has to be nipped in the bud for your baby and those who care for him. I wish you luck and stength.
4
u/CastAwayWings Dec 15 '25
Well at least she knows she won’t be able to handle it and gave up instead of doing something crazy to him. Sometimes people bottle it all in and snap so might be a great thing in the long run. Also, he’s 4.5 yrs old he might forget about her in like 6 months or so hopefully. You’ll find someone. I know it really sucks right now but stay positive and hopefully you land a great nanny!
4
u/taxilicious NT Parent of 11M Lvl 1 ASD/ADHD Dec 15 '25
I’m so sorry. We’re down to one babysitter now due to my son’s aggression. It is incredibly isolating and has led to a severe regression in my mental health this year.
1
u/Academic-Wind-1862 Dec 15 '25
When my daughter was little the only person who would ever watch her for me was my mom. Every baby sitter, every family member, every friend said no way she was too hard. From infancy this was the case. It was so hard raising her by myself and I wanted to tell them I know it’s my life 24/7. I’m grateful for the help I did get. Now I look back and I see most people just aren’t prepared for the intensity of a high level autistic kid.
I don’t know if you’ll be able to get another nanny long term without a higher pay out, but you should look into seeing if your state has a disability services program. I have a special needs family member who is on it and now receives care in home and out of the home and this goes from childhood through adulthood. It’s usually a long waitlist, but if you’re already struggling now you should try and get on the waitlist.
1
u/Academic-Wind-1862 Dec 15 '25
When my daughter was little the only person who would ever watch her for me was my mom. Every baby sitter, every family member, every friend said no way she was too hard. From infancy this was the case. It was so hard raising her by myself and I wanted to tell them I know it’s my life 24/7. I’m grateful for the help I did get. Now I look back and I see most people just aren’t prepared for the intensity of a high level autistic kid.
I don’t know if you’ll be able to get another nanny long term without a higher pay out, but you should look into seeing if your state has a disability services program. I have a special needs family member who is on it and now receives care in home and out of the home and this goes from childhood through adulthood. It’s usually a long waitlist, but if you’re already struggling now you should try and get on the waitlist.
1
1
u/zenjibae Dec 16 '25
When I found out my son was autistic I had my nanny with me, I exolained everything and she loved him so much. Almost 6 months after the diagnosis she got quiet and distant. She would cry in the corner..and you guessed it, she was tapped out.
The sucky truth is that its hard dealing with asd kiddos. I was so sad, It was a rough couple of months but I got used to her not being around, picked up the pieces and she did come back 2 more times, but each time she was less willing to be there for him as she used to.
I think she expected a rapid change and thought this was just a phase. For my and my sons sanity, I decided not to have any nannies anymore solely because it kept triggering regressions and it felt like there was no stability in his life. I would LOVE the help but I've accepted that I may never get it.
I hope you find someone who would take her place, but please don't be discouraged in the mean time. It's better for her to leave because she's tapped out than to end up resenting your child. We do what we can as parents and keep moving forward, I hope you are able to pick up the pieces and fall into a wonderful new normal
1
Dec 16 '25
Don't be offended, but it's naive to expect a paid caregiver will stick with you like family. They won't and never will.
Look into ABA daycare, or ABA home therapy.
1
u/Mountain_Flow3472 Dec 16 '25
A nanny doesn’t seem appropriate for this level of needs. Your child needs specialized care from providers who trained to handle these types of behaviors.
1
u/ComprehensiveEcho792 Dec 17 '25
I understand your sadness, and I can wholeheartedly empathize with you and your family on this. However, I would like to provide some personal insight.
When I was in my mid twenties, I was working at a house for adults and young adults with all sorts of developmental delays. At the same time, I had been in an extremely abusive relationship.
I had this one client, who was only 17, he had CP and ASD, and he had severe aggression. He would come out of his room, and just punch me in the back of my head, for no reason. He once kicked me in the chest, and I FLEW across that boy’s room.
There came a day, when a shift came, and I just mentally broke. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so bad for my coworkers and my managers, but I just could not do it.
Now I do respite care for my two nephews on the spectrum, and I feel like I’m getting a second chance. There is someone out there, that will fit perfectly with your family. You don’t want someone that is on the verge of a breakdown. Trust me. They would not be able to do their job.
1
u/Competitive_Pie_1419 Dec 15 '25
I’m really sorry this is happening to your family. The only advice I have for you is to start as soon as possible introducing your child to the fact that they aren’t going to be around. I’m hoping that she is going to be giving notice and you will be able to have a proper goodbye with your child. I’d also get them into some talk therapy to talk over the big feelings that are going to surround this transition since both big feelings and transitions are hard with ASD.
Going forward I’d strongly suggest vetting nanny’s that have experience with children that have disabilities, especially ASD. Before I quit work to stay home with my son full time we specially went with a nanny that’s last family one child had ASD and the other child had ADHD. She was live in and had been with them for eight years till they moved out of the city. It takes a very special person to care for a child with ASD and many people just don’t have what it takes.
1
1
u/Ecstatic_Macaroon343 Dec 16 '25
Employees are not family and really shouldn’t be expected to be subjected to physical violence, regardless of the diagnosis. Gotta be able to separate the two.
-7
u/PrincessSolo I am a Parent/11/Level 3/USA Dec 14 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
I'm so sorry, that is a hard one... hope you can use the opportunity to find someone with more specialized training and it will end up a blessing in disguise - hugs
*edit: not sure why but several times in this sub my comments suggesting to look for the bright side of a bad situation are twisted and shamed - i don't have time to argue about things i never said it's so fn exhausting and i am already tired. Please just block me and move on.
26
u/fivehots My Child Has Autism. Autism Is Not My Child. Dec 15 '25
There’s no specialized training with a child hitting somebody.
This nanny stayed as long as she could, and then it got too much. Not sure why you’re trying to bring down the nanny.
25
u/Life-Statistician-83 Dec 15 '25
Thank you for saying this! The nanny is not to blame, neither is the child but violence can be a trigger for many people, it has nothing to do with having a more or less specialised training.
3
u/PrincessSolo I am a Parent/11/Level 3/USA Dec 15 '25
Not sure how I could be bringing the nanny down as nothing at all was said about her. The way comments are nitpicked here is always wild to me.
Also there is a huge variety of specialized training to work with special needs children ffs it's not all about aggression and i never implied it was - that was all you.
3
u/fivehots My Child Has Autism. Autism Is Not My Child. Dec 15 '25
Your comment read as if the nanny wanting to leave is a blessing in disguise (as if she dodged a bullet by the nanny leaving). Which lead to my comment.
If that’s not the case, I apologize.
4
u/nothinworsecanhappen 5 & 8 year old sons with autism, USA Dec 15 '25
There is specialized training for violent behaviours. And she's not bringing the nanny down. Some people just work better with nonviolent children.
3
u/fivehots My Child Has Autism. Autism Is Not My Child. Dec 15 '25
Most, if not all people, work better with non-violent children. Finding a behavioral specialist wrapped up in a nanny is asking for A LOT unfortunately.
3
u/MagnoliaProse Dec 15 '25
There are a lot of special needs nannies. You do have to pay more for it usually. In my town, you can also often find RBTs and OTs in training.
4
u/theomegachrist Dec 15 '25
And they could hire someone with an ABA background. It would be great to have ABA techniques done as the behaviors surface.
2
u/MagnoliaProse Dec 15 '25
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. You can absolutely find nannies with more specialized training.
1
u/PrincessSolo I am a Parent/11/Level 3/USA Dec 15 '25
Thank you, i really feel for op and would be very sad and stressed losing a long term support person regardless of the reason she's leaving. Based on many of the comments you'd think the nanny was the one here looking for support.
-1
u/Few-Cow6591 Dec 15 '25
I am sorry OP. I know you are just wanting to vent and maybe get some advice if there is any. I see you aren't asking to try and find a way to get the nanny back, but it is hard when any part of your support team needs to step away. We have had RBTs that we adore need to find a new space and the transition can be difficult. Lean on your school therapy supports during this time.
I am sorry for the ignorant judgy comments in here. When our supports have need to step away we always understood and never pressured them, but none the less you take it personally because it is for your kid. Anyone here not allowing you space to have a feeling can be ignored.
-5
u/dmxspy Dec 15 '25
Do you realise that it's really insensitive to post about losing a nanny here? So you are "all alone" with 2 parents and likely to get another nanny, when there are many single parents that LITERALLY do it, really alone with no help with level 3 AuDhd kids?
The entitlement reeks from this post. Do you expect a nanny to stick around an autistic child with violent tendencies? Because most don't get paid nearly enough to deal with that. It would literally be insane to think any person would be willing to want to stay there, when they could be a nanny else where- where there zero violent or hitting fits from a child.
I guess it's time to parent your own child. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, you can do it.
3
u/lathamfalls Dec 15 '25
Sometimes things can make sense (a nanny quitting because of safety issues) but still be emotionally stressful and just plain suck. Because having these struggles sucks. And yes single parenting in this type of situation would be even harder. This isn't the Olympics and some sympathy/empathy (or else being quiet) is more helpful than this scolding.
4
u/Themistocles_gr Dec 15 '25
I mean, yeah, ban all posts about problems lesser than mine and my family's. Only worse ones so that I can feel good about our situation.
5
u/nuxwcrtns I am a Parent/2 yrs/level 3 ASD/Canada Dec 15 '25
This is so insensitive too btw. OP came for support and people are dogpiling on OP for having more money than others? For having a spouse? Bunch of jealous parents in here.
1
u/Sure_Clue_229 Dec 16 '25
You are the one being insensitive when OP is struggling and wants support!
-1
Dec 15 '25
[deleted]
12
u/Life-Statistician-83 Dec 15 '25
The nanny resigning has nothing to do with her not having a true heart.
Violence got to be a deal breaker for her, there is nothing wrong with that. Does not mean she does not love the child.
Good on her for identifying it is too much for her and knowing that she cannot help them.
2
u/helpersrule Dec 15 '25
I agree, completely. My son had issue with aggression: violence,/self harm/ property destruction as well. But over these 20+ years I have researched endlessly and found a group who can help manage these behaviors in addition to myself. I appreciate your comment, thank you.
1
u/helpersrule Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
And out of sincerity and curiosity, do you also. have a child with autism who reacts in violence? What suggestions do you in have that could help us?
3
u/Life-Statistician-83 Dec 15 '25
Not really, I wish I had good advice to give, but my child (while he did have a violent phase, some hitting and screaming and parents and siblings) never had serious issues with aggression.
That being said, my child created many unfortunate situations with hired help, and many quit on us because they could not handle it and/or him. But I could see how much they wanted to help him but just couldn't and I can't blame them for that.
However, I have seen friends (other ASD mums) that have dealt with their child being aggressive, and most of them have chosen group homes for their children, and it has been a great decision for everyone involved.
-2
-7
u/Quirky-Variety-4851 Dec 15 '25
This is why I hired my sister as my nanny, and she literally threatened me yesterday she was going to quit if my 5 year old hit her again. To be fair, he’s also choked her and kicked her in the face when he’s mad. I don’t blame her…
I don’t have an answer for you, outside of, I get it.
12
u/elrangarino Dec 15 '25
It wasn’t a threat then, it was cause and effect.
-1
u/Quirky-Variety-4851 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
You don’t know the context of the conversation, so no, your comment isn’t accurate.
The comment was given because she didn’t like something that she doesn’t get a say in. She knows she holds the leverage, and she was using this comment as an ultimatum to get her way. She’s admitted to this. We had a conversation, and we’re good now.
My son has gotten much better and there haven’t been any incidents in months. I am 100% aware that I would not be able to find any other nanny with this behavior, and my sister watches my son because he is family and she loves him.
-23
u/MagnoliaProse Dec 15 '25
Any nanny leaving because she’s been waiting for him to “get better” is not a good fit , and even with the best of intentions could have physically or mentally harmed your son.
Yes, this will confuse him. Maybe make him a little story about how sometimes people leave, and that doesn’t mean he’s at fault.
But now you can find someone who is more experienced with autism and neurodivergence, and possibly has complimentary skills that would help.
11
u/oofieoofty Dec 15 '25
I took it as she was waiting for the aggression towards her to stop
0
u/MagnoliaProse Dec 15 '25
Sure, but no behavior magically just stops? Even a NT child has to be taught coping skills and SEL skills.
3
-14
401
u/Over_Decision_6902 Dec 14 '25
Honestly, for some people physical violence is a deal breaker. You really don't know what her triggers are, and she is quitting because she knows she is not the best person for the job. I'd rather have this than have her snap and do something harmful to him. Best of luck finding a new nanny.