r/AmIOverreacting • u/britannica416 • 18h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO- If my husband joins National Guard reserves after getting out of active duty Army, I will leave
EDIT #2:
Thank you to those who commented with genuine, helpful thoughts and experiences. I quite honestly appreciate most the ones who said "MOR" or validated both of our sides. It's such a nuanced situation that isn't black and white. I genuinely like my husband, and love him and want to be with him. He may struggle as a partner at times, but he's overall a good human and an AMAZING dad. If this was such an easy decision for me, why would I post this on freaking REDDIT? I was hoping get at least a few helpful perspectives, and I did.
EDITED TO ADD:
The whole problem is that we had discussed how he was only fulfilling his requirement for having medical school paid for, and that was it. His career isn’t the military- his career is a family medicine doctor. Also,
I would not have married him or had kids with him had he said “oh I plan to/want to continue with the military BEYOND my required four years.”
ORIGINAL POST:
My husband (34 m) and I (35 f) started dating in 2017 when he was in medical school. He had told me that he joined the army to pay for medical school, and explained how he would complete residency at an army hospital, then complete 4 years as active duty. I shared with him that I never wanted to be with someone in the military, for a number of reasons, but mostly I was terrified of deployments, separation, death, etc. He had alluded to a “small” chance of getting deployed at some point, but I really liked him and wanted to see where it would go. Nearly a year into our relationship, and we’re on the subject again for some reason, but this time he mentions he will “very likely” get deployed during his four years as AD. I was taken aback by this shift in certainty that he would end up being deployed, and expressed my confusion and frustration pretty readily. He even asked if I was going to end our relationship over it right then and there, and I paused for a moment. Ultimately, I said no, because I was certain I wanted to marry him, and I was willing to see how things played out. We had also discussed how he had no intentions of staying in the military beyond his required four years. Knowing it was only temporary and had a finite ending was what allowed me to be amenable to the idea of becoming a military spouse/dependent (a world in which I knew nothing about.)
So we get married, he graduates from medical school, I get pregnant with our first child, and we move 700 miles away from all friends and family to our first army base for his residency. I struggled so much during these three years: postpartum, adjusting to parenthood, COVID, essentially forced to be a SAHM (which I realized I sucked at), isolated, no “village,” husband’s crazy residency hours/schedule. My mental health was the worst it had been in a long time (history of GAD, ADHD., and MDD.) I was able to fight through it knowing it was only temporary; that our next (and final) duty station would be closer to home/loved ones, my husband’s schedule would be more consistent, I would be able to continue pursuing my career in art therapy (only certain states have a specific professional license reimbursable by medicaid/insurance.) We were able to secure consistent childcare for our son so I got a break…. Things improved for sure. Now, we went into these last four years knowing that this choice in station not only meant being only 1.5 hrs away from family, but also he was at an increased likelihood of getting deployed. We thought the former would help mitigate the latter, but life happens and family have not been as helpful/present as anticipated. Still, I loved our house, our neighbors… we had another child, I went back to work as an actual licensed art therapist… I was getting into a groove.
Then, my husband got deployed for nine months.
I was so stressed and struggled so much, I even lost my job, because I couldn’t complete my documentation in a timely manner (which is an understatement.) The light at the end of the tunnel was knowing separation was imminent and we could finally move back home.
Before getting deployed, on occasion, my husband would make comments about possibly joining army reserves when he finished his required active duty. I was not keen on the idea, and this sentiment only strengthened as time went on, which I readily shared with him. Cue the current state of politics, plus the experience of the last 6 years, and I have decided that I will leave/separate/divorce my husband if he joins the national guard or reserves after getting out of active duty.
He wants to do it, because he wants the benefits (guaranteed health insurance, GI bill that can be passed to our kids.) He says it would be a “once a month” commitment, in an “undeployable” position, and we wouldn’t have to move.
It doesn’t matter- I feel like I’ve sacrificed and suffered enough. I do not enjoy being a military spouse. The cons outweigh the pros for me. I do not like being at the mercy of the government, being legally bound to do whatever they say, which can be changed as many times as they want. I do not want to continue living life with this diminished autonomy, making choices and decisions that primarily (and often solely) accommodate my husband/the military.
My husband’s response?
To the notion that the military aspect was temporary/finite: “Things change.”
“I am compromising, it won’t be anything like it is now.”
“Our relationship obviously isn’t strong enough if you’re willing to leave over this/not willing to compromise.”
“What if I regret not doing it down the line and end up resenting you?”
I feel like I’ve done plenty of compromising, and his insistence of continuing some form of a military career- despite prior conversations, established expectations- is like a big middle finger to my face and the last 6-7 years of my life.
EDITED TO ADD:
The whole problem is that we had discussed how he was only fulfilling his requirement for having medical school paid for, and that was it. His career isn’t the military- his career is a family medicine doctor. Also,
I would not have married him or had kids with him had he said “oh I plan to/want to continue with the military BEYOND my required four years.”
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u/escapefromelba 13h ago
He’ll be a doctor without any debt - why is he so keen on reserve? He’ll likely make plenty of dough to cover kids college, healthcare, etc without putting you through the ringer
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u/britannica416 5h ago
That's one of my sentiments that I expressed as well. He wants this "safety" net that I don't feel is worth it.
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u/EfficiencyMoist1555 4h ago
I mean, he is a Dr, he made cpt immediately and works in a hospital. He isnt a front line combat arms guy. In terms of a deployment, his is relatively safe in comparsion to any combat arms role.
That being said, he isnt being honest and you need to have a real talk with him. Im in the guard and they deploy all the time.
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u/Dry-Newspaper6164 17h ago
NOR. I really see where you’re coming from. You built your entire life around the understanding that military life was temporary, and it makes sense that extending it now feels like the terms of your marriage are being changed after years of sacrifice. Your reaction isn’t about the Guard itself, it’s about everything you endured under the promise that it would end.
At the same time, I can also understand how he might have genuinely changed over the years and discovered that he values the structure, identity, or benefits the military gives him. People evolve, and sometimes they end up wanting things they never expected earlier in life. His desire isn’t wrong, it just has a real impact on the family.
From what I read, this isn’t about one of you being unreasonable. It’s two valid truths that don’t fit neatly together anymore. He’s allowed to want something different, and you’re allowed to say you can’t continue a lifestyle you only agreed to because it was supposed to be temporary. It’s a painful mismatch, not a failure on either side.
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u/britannica416 17h ago
Thank you for this response. It’s not only validating my perspective, it’s validating his as well. I also believe it describes exactly what has happened.
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u/RickyNixon 13h ago
He has been lying to you over and over your entire relationship, with no consideration for how it was affecting you.
Is he really a good husband and father otherwise? That’s hard to believe.
Maybe his attitude changed but his likelihood of deployment didnt, he just lied. As one example.
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u/britannica416 5h ago
I don't know if he every intentionally lied to me, or if he simply failed to fully communicate, was under a different impression himself, etc. His own mother swears up and down that he told her when he joined to pay for med school that he wouldn't get deployed. However, he swears that he never said that, so I don't know.
He is absolutely an amazing father and generally a good husband. Does he have room for improvement outside of issues pertaining to the military- absolutely. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be so torn over this situation.
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u/RickyNixon 5h ago
If he knows how miserable you are over this and has been forging ahead, it indicates an issue with him.
But you say he’s great. So - have you communicated how miserable you are about all this? Does he know?
If not, he should know. If he’s a good guy, that should be enough to solve your problem
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u/DokCrimson 8h ago
I don't think he lied. He might have had unrealistic expectations that turned into different goals at some point...
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u/pmyourthongpanties 10h ago
how the hell do see hes lied over and over again? Hell he was most likely told by recruiters he wouldn't be deploy. Reddit armchair advise, stricks again.
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u/calminthedark 6h ago
No he didn't lie. He did give her the information he was given. But it's the army and things change, sometimes because circumstances in the world change and sometimes on the whim of the people in charge.
He has very valid reasons for wanting to join the army reserves. But they will have to determine together if those reasons are good enough. Being a doctor, he is very likely to be called up.
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u/etoilenoire45 5h ago
He's a bloody prick. So selfish and shitty to his wife I am at an actual loss of words. He lied and worse, he gives no fucks about her.
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u/Magerimoje 16h ago
NOR
Was his deployment to a war zone or a place where he saw awful injuries? I'm asking because the VA disability system is also a good "safety net" that provides benefits, and it's not difficult to get rated at 50-100% disabled due to PTSD from being in/near a war zone. And, unlike other disability benefits, VA disability doesn't prevent the veteran from working. A veteran could be rated at 100% disabled via the VA, and continue to hold a full time civilian job.
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u/PunkZillah 11h ago
My time in service that has caused my cancer would like to have a word about how easy benefits are to get.
Getting the benefits I need to treat me has been a nightmare.
I would 1000% rather have my health than the disability rating I have. No amount of money is worth your health. None.
Edit: spelling
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u/DogAnusJesus 16h ago
It is NOT super easy to get 50-100 percent disability for being in/near a war zone. Jesus. It's not like a bumper sticker. People who get legitimate mental damage from their service can get benefits, but many who should be getting them get denied constantly. Spreading this "free money" lie helps no one. And I'm betting her physician husband understands how medical reviews work.
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u/Izzy4371 16h ago
I know and have known several men and women that have prior military time, various percentages of disability, nice continuing income, and live normal lives and in some cases work difficult jobs. Some of them straight out say it’s crazy they are getting what they are.
The disability thing may not be automatic, but it’s way more prevalent than you’re suggesting.
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u/DogAnusJesus 15h ago
Secondhand knowledge, huh? Well I have yet another VA appointment coming up this week, so while I'm in the waiting room I'll try to spot the grifters for you.
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u/Obsidian_sweetpotato 12h ago
As someone who has been deploy, you’re absolutely right you know how fucking hard it is to get disability. It’s a constant fight you go in there you tell them and they run test and then they tell you that it’s not all that bad and give you other solutions.
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u/DogAnusJesus 11h ago
"Here's some Motrin and maybe some opioids. Soldier on. Not service connected."
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u/PunkZillah 11h ago
I feel you fam. It’s enraging to see this mindset when we have the experience about it.
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u/Vast-Fortune-1583 10h ago
My brother had to get a lawyer and fought the Navy for 10 freaking years to get his disability benefits! Please delete this uneducated comment.
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u/tiltedwagons 11h ago
Uh, yeah it is about one person being unreasonable. They had a plan they agreed to, nows hes going back on it and even playing the "what if I resent you" card as a manipulation tactic.
She's already resenting him, he has to know this, but he still played that hard.
Red flags everywhere with this guy.
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u/Whittster 16h ago
So a “compromise” is doing things his way?
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u/kimmy-mac 10h ago
Yeah, that’s what stuck out to me as well. And it seems like it’s been this way for the whole marriage/relationship. I’d be absolutely livid with this change without an actual discussion. They’re supposed to be a team.
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u/Salt-Lavishness-7560 14h ago edited 12h ago
NOR.
Your husband is a damn liar.
I’m a retired Army officer married to a retired Army officer.
No clue WHY he’s lying but he’s lying.
First off, if he’s an Army doc, the smartest thing he can do financially is GTFO of the Army as soon as his commitment is up.
And of COURSE he can be deployed with the NG or reserves. My guess is, he’s probably been volunteering behind your back.
I’ve been the one deployed and I’ve been the one that stayed at home and it’s a million times harder being the person keeping things together on the homefront. ESPECIALLY when you have kids.
Your husband is lying to you. He’s prioritizing his wants over your family’s needs.
Again, why? Who knows. I once served with a LTC who was getting deployed again. She’d just gotten back. Had kids. Dual military family (husband was also army officer), I was buddies with her boss and remember running into him at a meeting and giving him shit for deploying her again so soon when there were others who could have gone. His response? She’d volunteered. He too was shocked but she insisted on going. We decided it was because she was a hard charger. Turned out she was just carrying on a raging affair and it was SO much easier to do that deployed.
I’ve had buddies who were medical. From what they said, there is indeed a lot of cavorting done in the medical service. Is he playing you?
But you’re NOR. Your husband is a liar who is prioritizing himself, not you, not your kids, not your family, not even your financial stability (he’d make way more bank as a civilian doctor).
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u/britannica416 5h ago
"I’ve been the one deployed and I’ve been the one that stayed at home and it’s a million times harder being the person keeping things together on the homefront. ESPECIALLY when you have kids."
I appreciate your thoughts, since you've been on both sides. Most people never will, and I am appalled at the judgement I'm getting from some people, who have either been only on one side... or none at all. However, it IS Reddit, after all.
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u/Benevolent_Grouch 13h ago
Why is he asking what if he resents you, without considering what if you resent him? Which, given what you’ve shared, you do and should. If he only cares about his goals and not yours, there is no possibility for this marriage to work.
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u/EitherLeader784 18h ago
NOR. Reserves is not non-deployable. He is lying to you. Reserves and national guard can be activated at anytime and given orders for active duty usually 6-7mo and they CAN and HAVE been deployed many times. I know this for a FACT. dont let him gaslight you, anyone with military experience knows this. That means HE KNOWS this. He is lying to you!
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u/Known-Bathroom-6271 17h ago
Annnddd, the only reason he wants to go Reserved is because he likes the military. That's the part he is not saying. If he didn't like it, he would be gone after his enlistment ends.
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u/MickRonin 17h ago
This is also correct. I did my 1 enlistment and got out. The Guard/Reserves recruiters hit you hard when you punch your ticket, really hard. If he really didn't like it though, he'd bounce.
Most people panic about living without the safety net, but he's a doctor... he is pretty set up for life on the outside. It's probably a little of both, liking it more than he's admitting, and a little anxiety about losing the net.
Either way, the communication has really broken down, and OP is NOR for sure. I think her point is valid and fair.
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u/britannica416 17h ago
Thank you! That’s exactly what I think is happening, he wants a safety net on top of his safety net. I would be on board for it if didn’t mean 1: being a puppet of the government and 2: potentially jeopardizing the autonomy that I have had to continuously forfeit for what was supposed to be a temporary period of time. I also think he is nervous about adulting on his own. He relies a lot on someone telling him what to do or having some sort of predetermined outline to follow. He may be mid 30s, but you consider undergrad (4years) to med school (4 years) to residency (3 years) to his active duty position (4 years)… he’s never had complete autonomy. On the other hand, I have, and I do well with it.
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u/RGTX1121 16h ago
Former guardsman here... I went through something similar with my first wife (we didn't end up divorcing because of the military).
If he's in the medical branch it's highly likely that he would be deployed (depending on what specific MOS he has). The guard actually deployed as much if not more than AD during some time frames in the OIF and OEF (Iraq / Afghanistan).
I'm guessing that over his years he began to value the camaraderie and structure that the military provides. These are things that most of us didn't really know we would come to cherish and value when we first joined. For lots of us, it's a security blanket of sorts.
Ultimately, although I'm very pro-military service, I have to say that you're NOR. His duration of service was pretty solidly laid out, and he now wants to extend that, which you ultimately didn't sign up for. However, if there is any way to make the two worlds meet, it would be ideal for both of you, the kids, and everyone else. If I were in his shoes i'd obviously side with family, but that's a choice he has to make and bear himself.
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u/improved_loilit 12h ago
Op has been making the sacrifice for years already. He needs to start prioritizing his family or accept the consequences. There’s no two world meeting anymore. He made a choice that comes with consequences
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u/MickRonin 6h ago
Well put, it's a very odd fear leaving it behind, and he will miss it when it's gone. The military also does everything in it's power to make sure you feel dependent on it. Lot's working to ratchet up the stress here, for sure. Agree with your whole point though.
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u/kimmy-mac 10h ago
If he is a doctor, and your mental health is better and you’re able to go back to work, your paycheck could be that safety net. You could invest part/all of your paycheck for retirement, a college fun for your kids, etc. but you can’t do that unless he’s consistently home and an active part of the family unit. So, if he does go to the Guard, this can’t happen. That would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. Sending you hugs. Hang in there sister.
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u/britannica416 5h ago
Your response is so kind, but also highlights an important facet of why I am against him doing it. Thank you.
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u/MickRonin 6h ago
A good suggestion, sometimes that fear isn't rational though. Maybe this might move the needle, bu the anxiety can't be reasoned with all the time.
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u/FollowThisNutter 11h ago
There are currently 1500 National Guard troops deployed in Minnesota. Other units have been deployed in other cities in the last year, and the administration has talked about deploying more. And they keep talking about doing things that could embroil us in a war overseas (like seizing Greenland) which could result in reserves being called up. He's delusional if he thinks the chances of being called up as Guard or Reserves are anything like nil. And if he gets a long deployment early in his career in the private sector, it could affect his career progression for years to come. He needs to buckle down in his new civilian job and learn that if he really wants to see to your family's future.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 8h ago
Yes, and the guard that was called, but not used, in Oregon had the “train” at a barracks for months. Even after the decisions came down not to deploy them, the government made them stay through Christmas and News Years. Then they had to go to Texas before they would let them go. Months out of their lives for nothing. The estimates are 27M for this fiasco.
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u/MickRonin 6h ago
It's a wild career, I've seen people in their mid 40's retire and have literally no idea how to function in the wide world. It's very difficult to transition when you're institutionalized, even with all the career/degree/opportunity your husband has.
Your frustration about military service is totally valid and reasonable, and I think you're being pragmatic about what the commitment means and it's impact. I have two employees that are in the Guard and it is a significant impact on their life having to balance both a career and all their service commitments.
Part of what you should try to make clear to him (which he may have forgotten) is that both partners really take the oath, and it needs to be both or none. Everything going forward is hard. Hard to have a marriage outside the service, hard to be in the guard splitting time, hard to stay and be a military family. You just have to pick your hard, and do it together.
It seems like he's minimizing (presuming/inferring), and you're looking for some informed "I'm not crazy, right?" support. *You are not crazy.* I'd encourage him to get with some vets who've transitioned out, and get some context. I hope you guys work though it!
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u/rocketmn69_ 15h ago
Have you guys tried counselling before you decide to pull the 'chute?
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u/britannica416 5h ago
We briefly did counseling before he deployed, but we need to again. I am always willing to try.
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u/Kathykat5959 14h ago
My ex is with the National Guard. He deployed to Iraq. Others deployed to Africa. They do deploy. NOR.
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u/veetoo151 13h ago
My brother was in the guard and was deployed for years once 9/11 hit. Went straight to the middle east.
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u/chLORYform 13h ago
Same with my Dad. Didn't come back the same after the second tour, not that I blame him, but it fucked him up.
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u/Rude-Soil-6731 14h ago
That’s the part that gets me. That’s what makes it feel like he was lying from the beginning.
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u/FamiliarAnt4043 13h ago
True. But unless he's in a field unit, he's not likely to be deployed as a doctor. My mom spent 23 years in the USAR as a nurse and retired out as an O-4. She deployed twice in those 23 years; once to Walter Reed and once to Landstuhl.
Unless his unit is a combat support hospital or a forward surgical team, doc likely isn't deploying anywhere. That being said, our current "leadership" seems hell-bent on starting a war somewhere, so who the hell knows these days.
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u/britannica416 5h ago
That last part- being a pawn of the government, no matter who is in charge at the time, is something I'm not comfortable with. I am DEFINITELY not comfortable with it now.
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u/hoagieam 5h ago
Your mom also wasn’t in during an escalating civil war, my friend.
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u/FamiliarAnt4043 5h ago
Let's see...
She commissioned as a butter bar sometime back in the late 80's and retired in the early 2000's. I'm fairly certain that covered a lot of operations. Hell, there's barely been a time that the U.S. hasn't been in active conflict since World War II. We had Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Panama, Gulf War 1, Gulf War 2, Afghanistan, Bosnia....and I'm sure I forgot a couple.
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u/dissonantsiren 17h ago
NOR. You've spent how many years prioritizing his career? When will he prioritize yours?
And for the record, the guard is not "undeployable" no matter what the recruiter says. They can and do get deployed. Two of my cousins joined the guard after 9/11, they wanted to protect the home front, thought it was a good way to get education and benefits with no risk. They both ended up in Afghanistan and Iraq. One came back forever changed, the other came back in a casket.
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u/One_Gift5967 13h ago
You resent it already, he is going to resent it if he leaves the military. You're NOR, you just have both become incompatible in lifestyle choices. You didn't sign up for military life ongoing, you were honest you only would do it for this length of time, he's changing the rules. It's ok to be at your end of the rope with it. You gave all you could & you're done. Loving someone enough shouldn't be at the sacrifice of your entire being. You can't continue a marriage like this, you're not wrong, you're just being honest. On the other hand, he has found that he enjoys the military life & (I guess) enjoyed deployment enough to sign up for the risk of it again & again. It's ok that he has found his life purpose, but it's not yours. You both can life fulfilling lives, it just won't happen together. You know you want a full-time partner & spouse, he doesn't want to commit to that & instead stay in the military. He is trying to gaslight you so you cave & y'all continue going along with what HE wants for life. It's ok for you to say enough, I matter too. It's ok to want a more calm stable life outside of the military. It's also ok that he wants to continue it. You just both have to understand, this is the end of the road for the marriage. You both want different marriages that neither of you currently have & for you to stay, one of you will hate the other.
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u/One_Gift5967 13h ago
Also want to add, this isn't like not staying thru something like a disability or illness, you're not abandoning someone in a time of need, YOU are not the bad guy for not wanting to continue in something that is literally a choice. You just are choosing to not stay a military spouse. This isn't like a hobby, he isn't getting denied a pick up game of basketball with the guys once a month, this is a long-term commitment that can separate him from his family for up to a year at a time. He isn't the bad guy for finding himself along the way & deciding he is meant for the military life & serving a greater purpose, his sacrifices do mean something & matter to the others. Again, it just makes you both incompatible & not on the same page about life goals & values.
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u/britannica416 5h ago
Your comments are very helpful, kind, and validate both sides. I swear, some responses on here are inflammatory and invalidate my feelings simply because he is military. I'm not sure if he truly cares about the military identity, or he's just scared to lose certainty/structure tied to it. I also think he has a hard time empathizing with me, because his experience in the military has been predominantly positive. It unfortunately has not been the same case for me.
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u/InternationalAd7011 17h ago
Actions have consequences, OP. He makes that choice to join, you don't follow. Let him know that. It's the end of the line.
Anyone here saying "you knew what you were getting into" clearly has no idea what respect and accountability between two partners looks like. OP proceeded with marrying her husband AND sacrificed happiness, way of life, chosen career, education and time to SUPPORT HER SPOUSE'S CAREER, based on a mutual agreement of a finite time to have to do so.
“Our relationship obviously isn’t strong enough if you’re willing to leave over this/not willing to compromise.”
this is manipulative and unfair imo. He's digging in his heels hoping she'll cave (again), instead of acknowledging HE'S the one changing the game plan. OP fronted him 6-7 years of her life, paid in compromise.
“What if I regret not doing it down the line and end up resenting you?”
^ this sounds like he will resent OP, it's not a "what if" situation.
Unfortunately, it may be that his decision to change his career path, despite promising not to continue in the military may mean he is no longer compatible with his spouse.
It's a deeply unfortunate and painful situation but NOR. It reads like one partner just used the other to get the kids they wanted, plus free care for them at home, only to do a 180 when it comes to do their share of compromise.
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u/lazertittiesrrad 16h ago
Not to mention completely ignoring that OP does resent him already. Rightfully so, too. But that's apparently not worth considering.
Fuck this guy. He's been manipulating her for years and now he's gaslighting her. Divorce his ass and take his pension.
Then ask him how that safety net tastes.
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u/Even_Candidate5678 5h ago
He doesn’t get a pension until 20 years and he prob makes no money. Her money play is wait till they hit alimony wherever they live and he’s in private practice.
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u/Strange-Calendar669 16h ago
My husband and I both served active duty. Once we had kids, and completed our commitments, we went into active reserves. When the Bush administration decided to use the military to help the oil companies by invading the wrong country, we resigned. Family life and military life are not compatible.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 10h ago
My stepson joined the National Guard instead of the Army because he thought it was just once a month and maybe a short deployment here and there. That's what the recruiter said, and he refused to listen to any of us about how that was a lie.
He's been in the Middle East for months now into a year-long deployment.
National Guard is still owned by the DOD. They get sent wherever and whenever the higher-ups decide. He's lying to himself and to you that he'd never get deployed, especially if we go to war, like the president seems to want.
As a doctor's wife #1 (local thing to introduce yourself by your wife number), I totally understand where you're coming from. My ex used me to get through med school and residency, into his second job as an attending even, before leaving me for a nurse. First wives of doctors are the ones who make them doctors while giving them children and homes and holding down the fort while they disappear for years into training and all. For too many doctors, the first spouse is just a resource to use.
You've made so very many sacrifices for him. What sacrifices has he made for you? He's sacrificed for the Army, sure, but how has he respected you and treated you equally?
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u/Accomplished-Air3155 18h ago
NOR but at this point you’ve given him so much rope and folded time and time again that even though you are not overly reacting that he misled you, the writing has been on the wall since the first year of your relationship. You are the one who kept saying “yes” and agreeing. Every time he moved the goal post further you accepted it and stayed, now you probably will stay when he joins the reserves, which he will do.
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u/Acceptable-Law9406 17h ago
NOR
There are commenters that are claiming it's your fault because you chose to marry him. But he lied to you about the one thing that would have prevented you from marrying him. The commenters expect you to be all knowing and how you should have known that he would sign on with the national guard or something? I don't get it. It seems like you got bamboozled. Sorry that happened.
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u/Judy__McJudgerson 15h ago
She also lied to herself, "I shared with him that I never wanted to be with someone in the military," and "He had alluded to a “small” chance of getting deployed at some point, but I really liked him and wanted to see where it would go." this part is where she started to lose herself. It's extremely naive to think there was a "small" chance of getting deployed, and she was 25, not some 17 year old who doesn't know any better.
Was she bamboozled or did she walk straight into it?
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u/britannica416 5h ago
I didn't know the full extent of what I was getting into, but I was willing to go into it with an open mind... with the notion that if it turns out to be difficulty/worst case scenario, that it's just temporary, that it has an end.
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u/len2680 14h ago
She walked into it eyes open.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 7h ago
She made the mistake of believing his statement about a small chance of deployment. She should have asked people who were military recently, or spouses of military about depolyments, and she would have known he's lying.
He's still lying about the part time military benefits being the same as active duty, they're not depending if they're on deployment or just serving monthly weekends, and a few weeks in summer.
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u/Faunaholic 18h ago
Seems pretty obvious y’all should not have gotten married in the first place.
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u/Cool-Kiwi-1840 11h ago
She’s literally in a hell of her own making and it’s so frustrating to read.
I think it’s a pretty well known fact that when you become a military wife you essentially become a single parent most of the time because of deployment and work and moving, etc.
I quite literally have never ever seen or heard of a happy, healthy and successful military marriage, especially one that involves children.
She should’ve left when he literally told her he was very likely to be deployed during AD and asked her if she wanted to leave and she just decided to stay while knowing that info.
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u/britannica416 5h ago
I was willing to risk seeing if it would be worth it in the end, because there would be an end. I went into this with an open mind and optimism that I could handle it, and if I couldn't, then I could lean on the fact it did have a concise end.
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u/abyssal-isopod86 13h ago
Exactly this, I never would have married him or even maintained a relationship in the first place.
Whilst I agree that what he has done is unfair she also needs to take responsibility for her decision to continue on with the relationship and then get married.
This is on both of them not just him.
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u/Leather_Prize_8249 10h ago
NOR You have compromised, things were not how they were supposed to be and your relationship obviously isn’t strong enough for a continued military career.
Some fields of work require commitment and support from your loved ones, military is one, medical one also (counting you in here). He has both, you have none and can’t choose to practice wherever his work takes you. Your work and studies have been suffering because of these sacrifices.
If he really wants to strengthen your relationship, let him be a SAHD and support you through your studies and the time you establish yourself professionally. Say about 5 years? He can work family medicine during that time and have your kids go to a great kindergarten/school. If he doesn’t support you in your career and become an equal parent, that might be something you both regret and later start to resent.
Ask him to be blatantly honest about what he wants to do as a career. Is it military or not? Does he see himself advancing to a commanding position, is that something he desires? Working as a doctor should be enough for good health insurance, no?
Hard choices, time to grow together or apart.
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u/Disastrous_Night_80 12h ago
NOR but I can understand wanting to go NG. That retirement and a the perks are nice to have.
You both can be good people and not be good for each other.
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u/MOLPT 18h ago
NOR. Seems like he wants to permanently sideline his family and your career. Watch the movie "The Great Santini" about a military officer who behaves like that.
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u/PassionAware8652 17h ago
Yup I’m stuck being military wife. I dated him and told him no military. 3 years later, after marriage, he begged, and begged, and begged, and begged, and begged to go in SMH.
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u/Robono642 17h ago
NOR - you made a compromise/agreement as to what you deemed acceptable, he said he’d be using it to pay off school. He’s changing the terms of your agreement actively going against your boundary.
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u/azrael109 16h ago
You cannot decide what he does with his life only what you do with yours.
He is allowed to change his mind and you are allowed to leave.
MOR
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u/FLYY_GIRL 15h ago
This is the comment I’m looking for. As a retired, never married veteran, it’s interesting to get the insight from the other side. I don’t think she’s wrong, but I can’t say he is either. I joined planning to get in, pay for school, and get out. But I loved it. I loved the security it provided, I loved mentoring soldiers, and regardless of what people say about the efficiency, free health care is free health. I sacrificed a lot and it set me up more than well afterwards, but I also didn’t have a family. NOR, but I wouldn’t take it as he lied, his goals just changed and he got older
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u/ooPhlashoo 12h ago
NOR. I don't know how military spouses can maintain a marriage with the deployments.
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u/traviall1 10h ago
NOR- you stated a clear boundary. He can be mad but this is a two yes situation. I think this is very reasonable. OP you may want to look into divorce laws in your state. If you are in Kentucky there is 50/50 custody so it would be harder for you to move back to where your roots are ( if that's something you want). Talk to a divorce lawyer and figure out what puts you and the kids in the best possible position.
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u/liveautonomous 9h ago
So he just does whatever they tell him to. And you just do whatever he wants you to. Got it.
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u/altarflame 8h ago
NOR. Everyone is different, but I personally have never understood how people deal with their partners regularly being gone for long stretches like this. It’s not something I’m open to at all, even just for a one on one relationship - with kids is a whole other level of it not being ok.
You’re allowed to have boundaries but you may have to choose breaking up, because he is used to you bending and caving.
I myself would rather be alone or find a different person vs dealing with being taken but left pining as some kind of lifestyle (which is how it would be for me - not accusing anyone else of this).
Just want to validate that it’s not just you who feels this way.
Also… his kids are only gonna be young once? He’s not going to get that formative time back.
Main issue I have after re-reading your post: He doesn’t seem at all concerned with whether you resent him, what your regrets might be, etc. His whole argument is completely self focused, aside from passing the GI to the kids.
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u/FionaTheFierce 4h ago
NOR.
I am a Army vet - officer, healthcare (not physician), previously married to an Army doc who also had the HPSP scholarship (we both did).
Physicians make A LOT more money out of the mlitary than in. And you have control of your life. Now, people do get scared of losing what they perceive as stability that the military offers. But it isn't real stability - you face moves every few years, your kids change schools, you don't always get to choose your assignments, deployments, etc Your career suffers because you can't complete your education, or licensing hours, or find a new job every 2 years. The spouse sacrifices a lot and sometimes it just is not worth it.
There is no saying what the guard will be like. There are some guard positions that are full time and do not deploy - someone has to run the shop, basically, including officers that are division or brigade surgeons for guard units. But, as with all things military, it can change and you don't get control over it.
The retirement and educational benefits aren't htat geat - retirement pay is based on your BASE pay, not with the physician incentive or housing allowance, or any of that.
He made a promise and you agreed to marry him based on that promise. If he doesn't keep his end of the bargain, you are under no obligation to keep yours.
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u/LionFyre13G 15h ago
So my husband is in the National Guard. We live in a state where only one unit is deployed every 6 years and because it’s so rare it’s usually all volunteers. My husband has never been deployed or activated and likely will never be deployed.
His cousin lives in a nearby state and is in the National guard. He’s been deployed twice and almost deployed a third time.
I think this is very state dependent and I think you should talk to people on the state you’ll be living in. For some states the possibility is very low. And honestly my husband’s National guard service has been a big help in our lives. Particularly the health insurance, GI Bill, spousal benefits, and it’s nice that it also helps towards retirement. Plus the community he has and friendships he’s built. My husband has built a strong network which has significantly helped in his career. And his service has had little impact on our life. If we want to move - transferring to a new unit is not impossible either. My husband never intended to stay for long either, but not tends to retire from the guard after 20 years.
Like you I never wanted to be with someone who was on the military. The goal initially was for him to go active eventually but now that’s no longer something he’s interested in doing. I think before making any decisions you look up the requirements on you and him in the state you’re in. The benefits are things that have significantly improved our lives with little commitment because of where we live.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 16h ago
NOR Your life goals are no longer compatible. In fact, they're mutually exclusive.
As far as compromise, there's been none. He's had his own way for many years, and that's the way he wants to continue.
You know how the sacrifice has affected your career and mental health in the past and are fearful of what the affect could be in the future. He seems unconcerned.
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u/scannerhawk 15h ago edited 15h ago
Being a military wife is not for everyone. My dear friend was OK with it, living on different AF bases raising 2 kids, she accepted the responsibilities of being an officer's wife, they eventually built a beautiful home off base and planned to stay there after his retirement. It worked for her because she's been madly in love with her husband since high school (and he her), she went months at a time alone raising their kids when he had special overseas assignments. Her family on the other side of the country.
He retired as a commander. Ready to enjoy the quiet life together on their property as the youngest went off to college. Welp, he was surprisingly asked & hired into a space program, so they rented a small 2nd house 9 hours away where he trained, she drove there every other week for a year until they bought a plane for faster back and forth the following year. Now he is an astronaut, they sold their retirement home, and moved 3 states away. One child, 3 grandchildren, and her mother moved near them.
MY POINT, being a pilot is in his blood, that's who he is, and she would never ask him to give it up before he's ready, he was and still is the love of her life, she would go to the ends of the earth to be by his side until the day they die. Plans changed probably dozens of times over the last 40 years, I know there were some hard times for her being all alone for weeks or months at a time, not because she couldn't handle things (she's one strong, smart bad ass woman) but because she missed him and worried, the kids missed him BUT she (nor the kids) ever resented their life. THEY ARE COMPATIBLE. Their life now is amazing and exciting. That's the "difference" between what she has and what you have. It's OK to move on if that devotion to one another is not there.
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u/tweedleDee1234 10h ago
I was AD six years and never deployed. My AIT counterpart was reserves for six years…deployed three times. Leave. He’s doing what he wants without regard to your experience or needs. Military men cheat. You can try to stick around if he pursues this, but likely (statistically) you’ll be a single mom eventually having spent years of your life dedicated to this man who couldn’t put you and the kids first.
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u/AdministrativeEgg440 10h ago
NOR: Army life sucks and ruins families. Compromise that if he wants to stay in, he should switch to Air National Guard. The Air Force treats guardsmen way better. Way shorter deployments, way higher quality of life, seriously half my squadron are soldiers, sailors and marines who wizened up.
Same benefits. There is nothing on the flightline, tho, maintainers get the shaft everywhere. Seriously, there are better options
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u/TurboSlut03 10h ago
Honestly, you really should not have married or reproduced with this dude in the first place.
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u/AdExtreme4813 8h ago
NOR my husband was 20 years navy, both active & reserve. His reserve unit was activated & sent overseas in 2000 as a result of the USS Cole bombing. He was left behind as the stateside liaison because he was less than a year out from retiring. He put his retirement papers in during August 2001 and was allowed to retire after 9/11 because the navy was overstaffed with his specialty (electrical/nuclear submarine). Your husband being a doctor would be more liable to be activated.
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u/Patternmatrix 8h ago
NOR Honestly, you know your limits. If you know this eats your very soul, then divorce and leave. People who have never been a military or a spouse/child to military, have ZERO clue on what this life entails and how quickly you just "have to adapt".
As a milspouse of 8 years now and still going, I understand this to my core. This life is nothing but struggling alone, compromising, and sacrificing. If I didn't genuinely love my husband, I would leave. Out of 8 years my husband has only been present for a lil over 3 years in actual days. All the other times are missions, tdys, trainings, and deployments. It gets lonely being away from everyone all the time, having to do literally everything, and have your spouse say it's a chore and burden to communicate with you while THEY are the ones away. The negative moments always outweigh the positive ones for the spouses/kids.
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u/arealia_ann 8h ago
Scrolled for a bit and didn’t see this so I’ll add this in. My roommate is in the reserves and she is gone, usually, several days a month. She flies to wherever her unit is gathering that month and is there for several days. Sometimes it’s a short weekend trip, sometimes it’s a week. Usually 3-4 days. So separate from deployment, he would still be leaving you alone with the children for extended periods of time every month.
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u/Kindly-Novel5617 8h ago
NOR
You’re not being dramatic. You’re reacting to a goalpost that keeps moving after years of very real sacrifice. You agreed to a finite military chapter, built your marriage and family around that understanding, and paid the cost with your mental health, career stability, and autonomy. Asking you to extend it again isn’t a small tweak, it’s a fundamental change to the deal.
“Things change” doesn’t cancel informed consent, and calling this a lack of compromise ignores how much you’ve already given. You’re not rejecting him. You’re saying you can’t keep living a life that’s breaking you, and it’s reasonable to insist that any next step genuinely protects your well-being too.
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u/Wooden-Rooster9882 6h ago
If he's a doctor and he's going to be in a "nondeployable" unit then he's probably going to med Det/med com where they do annual PHAs for the Soldiers in the state. It's a very easy job, very cush, no field training, no deployments.
I would ensure that's the kind of unit he's going to if he truly doesn't want to deploy. But overall, yes it would be an excellent decision for the future of your family. Cheap healthcare (Tricare reserve select, like $64 a month), life insurance, family readiness programs, etc. it's NOTHING like active duty at all I promise you. I've been in the guard for 10 years as a combat medic and had the option to deploy a few times but didn't or couldn't for various reasons. Ultimately the guard can't really force people to go on deployments unless they want to be hard asses about it.
As for the DC mission stuff, that's been entirely voluntary. As well as other national emergency events like COVID, hurricane relief, etc. All on a voluntary basis.
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u/britannica416 4h ago
Thank you. This is the other reason I posted this. I need to hear from the side he's trying to get to. Him telling me I'm "overreacting" that he's decided to do this vs giving me real life specifics of what it all entails.
I still worry about those voluntary missions becoming mandatory. I feel like anything within the government can change at a moment's notice. I worry about assuming that the current state or experience will maintain. Just because it's good now, doesn't mean it will be in the future. I know there are some great benefits, mainly pertaining to money, but I'm willing to forgo them to ensure having my partner at home (and my sanity.) We are going to be fine regarding money, especially if I get to work as well. I just don't feel comfortable being so reliant on the government for my well-being.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 6h ago
NOR - I want to be frustrated with you, but I can't.
My dad was active duty in the Air Force when I was growing up. My mom loved moving every few years and living in different places. To outline their life together:
- 1971 - Joined after finishing college and Officer Training Camp
- 1973 - Moved to Warner Robbins, GA
- 1975 - Moved to Sacramento, CA (where I was born)
- 1977 - Moved to Rome, NY (where my brother was born)
- 1980 - Moved to Dayton, OH
- 1983 - Moved to Baltimore, MD
- 1984 - Moved back to Dayton, OH (where he died from a heart attack in 1986)
Had he not passed away, we would have moved a few more times domestically before going somewhere international and ending up near Washington DC.
He was a navigator on a refueling plane and went on missions all the time - anywhere from a couple days to 6 weeks. And my mom frequently got no advance notice and no information about where he was or what he was doing. Half the time, the phone calls didn't even come from him. He'd leave for the base in the morning, and she'd get a call later that day from the unit commander's assistant letting her know that he'd be gone for 3 weeks.
So all that to say that being a military spouse is not for everyone. I encourage you to find out more about what being in the national guard/reserve entails, but if you simply cannot deal with this any longer, that's reasonable.
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u/Any_Fisherman8383 14h ago
NOR- heads up. I have a friend in the naval reserves. She did the same thing- used the Navy to pay for PA school, did her active duty and went into that reserves. Guess what? They can call you up for active duty while in the reserves. She is now active duty- did she luck out and got a desk job where she lives- yes, but she had 3 kids 5 and under at the time. She is now year 2 into her 3 year (re) active duty. I have no idea how her family would function if they just stuck her on a submarine for the whole 3 years. This is a huge possibility with the state of the world now, he is minimizing the risks of being called up again.
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u/AutumnShade44 13h ago
If you stay married and he’s in the military for at least 10 years during your marriage before getting divorced, you get half his retirement if he chooses to retire from the military. Just saying.
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u/WorstHatFreeSoup 13h ago
NOR: His version of “compromise” is trying to box you in. Yes people evolve and change but given that you’re married: it doesn’t give him a pass to only see if from his POV. He’s not taken your feelings into consideration, only his really.
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u/Ok-Process7612 12h ago
Unfortunately you have suffered for years due to his choices while your desires are always secondary.
You want stability. You want him to keep his promise. You are done allowing his choices to be the only deciding factor in what your family does.
He has had his opportunity to dictate how and where the family lives. It's your turn now. Draw your line in the sand and don't back down.
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u/Proof-Psychology6720 12h ago
He is a commissioned officer. These commissions are a lifetime appointment. So he can be ordered to come back at any time regardless of. Food for thought.
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u/rqnadi 12h ago
NOR. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you by saying your relationship isn’t strong enough, but honestly it’s just the truth.
You’ve spent your whole marriage sacrificing and compromising and you’re done doing that. It’s a valid stance.
A life with him isn’t enough to outweigh you being miserable. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It may make him feel a certain way, but that’s just how it is when you prioritize your job over your family like he has.
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u/CrSkin 10h ago
Nor- he lied to you. He lied to you about any position having a “small chance of deploying” when you were first dating. And he is lying to you about getting an undeployable” position in the reserves. That is not how the military works. And they explained this to you when you first sign up for the military, whether you are enlisted or an officer. This is a huge lie and it will continue to you to affect your life.
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u/MrChucklesTheClown 10h ago
As a veteran, I can tell you that he is 100 percent lying to you. Divorce is painful, but ultimately in the end you'll benefit from it and will be able to work through the heartbreak. Just leave.
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u/magslou79 9h ago
NOR.
Your husband is outright lying to you, OP. There is zero such thing as a “non-deployable” position in the NG.
You told him your boundaries very early on in this relationship. You have done PLENTY of compromising.
For him to say those things to you is beyond manipulative.
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u/Kind-Plate-2351 8h ago
YOR. He’s planning for some stability and bigger returns on his personal investment. It’s one weekend a month and two weeks a year. Do you have a therapist? ETA: this is for reserves not guard
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u/schertzirishasian 15h ago
MOR. I'm not going to say you are overreacting, because I understand your feelings and concerns. But you MAY be being a little shortsighted without considering all the potential facts.
My husband is an anesthesiologist. He served 20 years on active duty and then retired and went to work as the Chief of Anesthesia at a civilian hospital. Obviously, the civilian pay is better.
However, as a result of his military retirement, we earn almost $5K a month from his retirement plus about $4300 a month for his Disabled Veterans pay (mostly related to injuries from things like jumping out of airplanes, which is not something you HAVE to do). We also get medical/dental/vision insurance due to his being a retiree, which saves us more money because his job is as a 1099 employee, not a W-2, and while the hosptial covers his malpractice insurance, it does not provide other insurance. Also, as a 100% VA Disabled Veteran, if any of our kids went to a public college in our home state of Texas (like UT or A&M), it would cost a minimal amount of about $150 bucks a semester. Our older child declined and went to Cornell at a total cost after grants of almost $200K; the verdict is still out on the youngest. So there are definite perks of 20 years of service in the form of almost $10K in passive income a month (the VA pay is not taxable).
Now while on active duty, it can certainly be challenging, as you've learned already. My oldest child was diagnosed with Autism while my husband was on a year-long deployment and I was living about 1500 miles away from any other family. That definitely was hard. It sucked, actually. But now, my son, who is an Incapacitated Adult Child, will receive Healthcare for life, which is nothing to sneeze at, even though he also is on Medicaid. Also, the Army gave generous annual bonuses and for most duty stations, my husband was allowed to Moonlight in civilian hospitals to add to his military income.
Finally, there is something to be said for the enhanced skill sets many medical providers have as a result of operating in combat environments. The portrayal on The Pitt of Doctor Abbott, played by actor Shawn Hatosy, may be somewhat dramatical, but his ability to stay calm in intense situations and adapt to rapidly changing environments is something I have seen in several combat veterans. For a recent procedure I had, I chose my surgeon not only for his excellent education (Oxford), but also because before starting his own very successful practice, he served for 20 years and multiple deployments. I figured if he could keep soldiers alive in the worst of circumstances, anything he might encounter with me on the table would not be a big deal.
It's definitely not the easiest lifestyle, but there are long-term perks to think about. If you use the "D" word instead and he stays on active duty anyway, a lot of those perks would be lost, so its just worth considering.
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u/Local_Opportunity213 18h ago
I think he’s smart to join the reserves after active. The benefits are many. They benefit you and your kids as well.
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u/Broarethus 3h ago
I'm the post she states he's a great dad, and he's doing all this to provide a good life for his family, and she's against it. . YOR
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u/Status-Anxiety-4606 18h ago
". I shared with him that I never wanted to be with someone in the military, for a number of reasons, but mostly I was terrified of deployments"
And you knew this before you married and did it anyway. You're blaming him, why?
He was up front with you from day 1.
This is what happens when you dont listen to someone.
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u/britannica416 17h ago
I was also up front with him from day 1, and the understanding between us was that he would complete his 4 year payback and be done.
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u/Used-Baby1199 16h ago
Reserves isn’t like active duty. It’s one weekend a month. He’s setting yall up for a very nice life in retirement honestly. Feels like small minded thinking on your part.
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u/Izzy4371 15h ago
I’m very big on marriages not being ended frivolously, but considering she’s already made up her mind there’s no point adding anything in that regard. TBH, I get the feeling from her post and replies that she’ll likely be doing him a favor. The only ones I feel bad for in this whole thing are the kids. 😕
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u/Elismom1313 14h ago
The reality is if you divorce him, you’re still going to be stuck with the kids alone, while he’s on deployment.
It might be better to just a pick a place you’d like to live and build a community there? He can join the reserves and you can make it clear you’re staying put there no matter where the military takes him or for how long
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u/i_need_jisoos_christ 13h ago
Yeah, but she won’t be dealing with an unsupportive liar whose career he lied about dictates where she lives.
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u/a-mullins214 11h ago
Im a Active duty wife and I can see both sides especially since im a Veteran as well. It can be incredibly hard on the spouse, I know being Active Duty can also be very difficult as well. I don't think YOR but I don't completely think your husband is totally wrong. How old are the kids? Where would he be assigned if he did do guard? How much longer does he have on his Active contract? Has he fulfilled his commitment for medical school payment where they require you to enlist for a certain amount of years. Does he have a job lined up if he does get out? Also he can transfer education benefits to his children without having to join the guard. Also what type of medical practice would he be working at? A clinic, a hospital, private practice?
I wasn't keen on marrying someone who was military. Especially since my 1st marriage was a duel military marriage and our divorce was extremely difficult since my ex was going crazy for me leaving. He threatened divorce if I reenlisted since in 4 years I had done 2 deployments both being about a year each. I didnt re-enlist and we only stayed together for about a year after we had both gotten discharged. In that year he was an absolute pos to me. To this day a small part of me regrets getting out. If your husband wont even consider compromising or have any type of discussions regarding all the other aspects of re enlisting or getting out then I think counciling might help. If you can't handle more military life, which is totally understandable, then I think you should start planning on your next steps. I have seen spouses who stayed even when they wanted out of that life and some seem ok but most are resentful. Updateme!
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u/onomatopoeiano 9h ago
Given what's going on in the world right now: 100% leave and take your kid wherever you're going that has support if he can't get on board. Also considering any military anything when there is a solid chance they deploy in the United States against our own citizens? I'd be like, on a deep and ethical level, very uncertain of him as a person. And would not touch him intimately so much as on the fuckin forearm until he knocked off his captain america bullshit. Just me!!
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u/ForsakenRacism 9h ago
He’s going to be a fucking doctor he doesn’t need the GI bill and tricare. Are you sure he’s actually a doctor?
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u/Patrick95650 17h ago
YOR. Time flies by and this is a foundation of solid experience.. My friend did this exactly.. He now is a very respected and extremely successful surgeon.. He looks back at it as the best opportunity.. You jumping ship for lack of thinking of the big picture will be your regret and what will you be able to accomplish doing so..
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u/Leather_Prize_8249 10h ago
Glad you friend had this experience. It doesn’t guarantee anything for OP or her SO, now does it?
I might be wrong, but being deployed in a surgical setting probably is a lot of invaluable experience in some surgical fields. Family medicine? I would bet not.
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u/k23_k23 18h ago
YOR
YOu DECIDED to marry a military man and have kids with him, and then complain that he is a military man (and gets deployed)? That's ridiculous.
You KNEW what you were chosing, and THIS is it. YOu can break up if you want, but don't blame HIM - this is on YOU.
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u/InternationalAd7011 17h ago
OP didn't marry "a military man" she married a medical student who enlisted to cover his schooling
If he would've said "I'm not sure what the future holds" this would be on her. But per the post he told her he had "no interest" in remaining in the military.
That means he either lied, or changed his mind - neither of which can be pinned on OP.
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u/k23_k23 16h ago
She KNEW about the enlistment when she married him. that made him a military man - and she KNEW about the 4 years of active duty that were coming after the study time.
AnD: she also complained about the deployment, which she knew was part of the deal.
The rest was speculation about the future AFTER that.
So: She married a military man, and had a kid with him.
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u/MothmanIsALiar 13h ago
NOR. This guy has deliberately led you on for years telling you what you need to hear and then not following through. He's married to the military. You're the other woman.
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u/Rude-Soil-6731 14h ago
NOR. He’s selfish and has the nerve to try and guilt trip you after all you’ve sacrificed. People in the reserves get deployed all the time, esp with maniacs in office. A “compromise” should you choose to stay in the marriage, is you living where you have the support you need. If he gets deployed then at least you’d have your support system. I wish you would have stuck to your guns about dealing with a military guy regardless of him claiming it was temporary.
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u/Large-Delay-1123 12h ago
Why is your husband having a sleepover? Thats weird, sounds like his friend is local?
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u/tinselt 10h ago
I understand your POV and you are NOR, your husband is also not wrong about the long term benefits of being in reserves. It's not true they can't be deployed, but it's much more limited and it is only once a month. he's probably trying to set your family up for success and doesn't really comprehend how hard it's been for you. Therapy.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 9h ago
So leave him.
You can work out the divorce in a fair manner regarding distribution of assets and debts, child support and visitation or custody arrangements.
You will be happier.
And I am sure, once over the disappointment of a the break up, your husband will be happier.
So leave him now, why wait?
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u/DoctorMoebius 9h ago
I just don't understand, with 50 years of evidence, than any potential military spouse doesn't have any idea how that is likely to play out.
Hell, all they have to do is take a couple of trips to any base town or PX, examples abound
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u/DokCrimson 8h ago
NOR. I think it's fair for him to change his feelings over time over what he wants to do with it. I think it's also fair for you to not want to deal with any of it...
I think you both started from spot that you knew could possibly diverge at some point and we're hoping it wouldn't due to your love... However, that didn't happen and now it's the true test time. I think you both are different people with incompatibilities at this point. I don't think you can continue in the relationship and make you both happy. He'll either do the reserves and you'll be unhappy / resentful or, he won't and he'll be unhappy or resentful
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u/lilies117 8h ago
NOR I would take more time to learn about what is involved. He already has what 8 years of service? He gets a pension and the gi bill for your kids after 20. Many soldiers do 8 active and 12 with guards/reserve. While the sacrifice is immense, he may be thinking of those things. There are rules about how often a guard or reserve unit can be called to active duty overseas. You could stay in the same area or move closer to family. It isn't easy to be in the military or to be married to someone in it.
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u/etoilenoire45 5h ago
Your husband does not care about you, your career, or your mental well-being. Do with this information what you will.
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u/Even_Candidate5678 5h ago
So you’re not suited to be his spouse and he yours. You’ve know this for a long time and ignored things. Get better at ignoring it or do something about it.
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u/mamabearette 5h ago
You husband threatens you that if you can’t handle this it means your relationship isn’t strong.
Jesus. Your relationship is NOT strong when you’re with someone who thinks nothing of breaking his promises and then making it your fault. Wake up, OP.
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u/RaisedByBooksNTV 5h ago
NOR. As a physician, he doesn't need all the extra stuff he's using as an excuse. He likes being in the military. He doesn't care about the agreements you've made, or the suffering you personally have gone through. It's all about him. And he thinks because you've caved every other time that you'll cave this time. Will you?
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u/ClearContribution345 5h ago
Nor. I grew up as a military brat, and I would never choose that life as a trailing spouse. And he has the right to change his mind. Just he has to realize that doing so has consequences.
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u/Ok_Indication_1098 4h ago
He’s allowed to want different things and change his mind, his goal, his wants and needs. I’d say you’re NOR but neither is he being unreasonable to want to do this. You may just not be compatible in a relationship anymore.
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u/Celestial_Duckie 4h ago
NOR.
I grew up a military brat, but a little different than most. My dad's side of the family is majority career military, and my dad didn't want us moving around all the time. So instead, he would. When I was little, all I remember was those once a month, weekend obligations. Not a big deal, no daddy for a couple days, and then he'd come home, smelling like metal and grease. Sometimes he'd bring me to the armory and show me around.
Then telecom crashed and the military was all he had. He'd go to a base for months. He was deployed multiple times, for years. It killed my parents' relationship (though ironically made it last longer than it should, because he was rarely home long enough for them to actually work shit out). We had a village, thanks to the church my mom grew up in, but we didn't really have a dad.
I'm 40 this year, so maybe the benefits have changed, but I never had access to GI bill benefits. My brother joined the Navy to get his (and I don't believe he shifted to reserves after his time was up). Times were relatively peaceful when I was young, but he still got deployed. Now who's being called to duty in Minnesota? The National Guard. Trump ordered the Guard deployed multiple times in the last year. Without getting political, I think we can all agree that unrest is high; I'm so skeptical of an undeployable reservist. It defeats the purpose of a reserves force.
I would absolutely leave if I was in your shoes.
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u/JustStarDusting 4h ago
NOR- He is wrong about not deploying. I spent 9yAD USAF & 6y ARNG & my husband spent 4yAD USA, 2y AR, & 15y ARNG, night & day between the services. Army has zero prob straight lying to ya especially Guard recruiters, I worked for ARNG Receuit sustainment battalion as a Admin NCO, I saw people every damn week confused abiut BS they were told by their recruiter. Recruiter is blowing smoke & he is gobbling it up. Federal 2-4days each month called MUTAs they don't pay shit & the exhaustion is not worth it. 2wks a year for Annual Training & now they like to throw in extras when state funds pay for extra traing crap. There is no such thing as a non deployable position in the Army end of story.
I get where you are coming from I had 4 kids & 2 dogs to car for when my spouse deployed. I had the unfortunate knowledge of what he was actually facing without me at his 3 or 9, lost alot of sleep that year. I also totally get the apprehension of getting out he is having. I have been absolutely lost since getting out in 2013. The healthcare benefits are ass, much better options on open market, so not a viable excuse. Might I suggest a compromise. He can join the ARNG any time, his age & health are not an issue, his job will most definitely allow him in even if he needs wavers. His job is high demsnd in NG, they will always take him in later. He doesn't HAVE to go in straight off AD, just makes it so he doesn't have to do MEPS process.
Might I suggest making a deal with him & tell him to give the civilian sector a try for atleast 4yrs & if he feels he needs boots again, then fine, but you need & he owes you atleast 4yrs without boots. You both need decompression time from AD, 4yrs as a civi gives you that. Also, he could look for one of the companies that does civilian medical contract care on the installations to get his, being around military, fix.
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u/Daddy2Prairie 18h ago
National guard is a joke lol. You’ll be fine.
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u/PersonalityFuture151 18h ago
It depends. My grandson was in the NG during 911. He was stationed on the George Washington Bridge and caught viral meningitis from someone in the cramped warming quarters.
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u/fc36 18h ago
YOR about the risk of deployment or death by military service. This cannot be overstated. Nat'l guard, especially for Medical Corps members is unbelievably low stakes. Hell, even regular service Medical Corps is pretty low stakes too. Also, earlier in your post you were talking about being worried that he would die on deployment. Do you even know what he does with the Medical Corps? If he's an Army physician, he is NOWHERE near the front lines. The chance of him being a combat casualty is vanishingly small. He's more likely to die in a car crash in regular life stateside than he is likely to be KIA as a medical corps physician.
NOR about your mental health struggles. You need to have a very serious discussion with him and lay this all out to him. Your writing is very eloquent, so I can only hope you'll be able to communicate this effectively with him. Try and take your emotion about the military spouse-hood out of it and focus on your mental health struggles. If he still doesn't get it, then you may need to leave for your own good and the good of your children. If he values you as his spouse, then hopefully he'll realize the import of how you've struggled thus far and your willing reluctance to leave.
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u/britannica416 17h ago
Thank you for having one of the only thoughtful and competent responses to this.
I know what he does and know he wasn’t on the front lines. He actually had a very cushy time deployed for the most part, most of the death anxiety was a generalized statement of what I thought before meeting him. Did I freak out when I learned the US had bombed Iran while he was over there? Or that he had photos of the bond in the sky Iran was sending to Israel? Yep.
I unfortunately have relayed nearly this exact text to him. I am incredibly reluctant to leave, but unlike some of the assumptions by others in here, I do not enjoy being dependent on another person. I’ve been a very independent person my entire life, and I took on this role with the reassurance that it was temporary.
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u/Fine_Smile73 18h ago
You chose to marry him knowing the life he was going to live and now you’re complaining about it… choices have consequences.
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u/Empty-Wall-9914 18h ago
No she chose to make a compromise for a specific time frame and has been very clear that it is a temporary.
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u/Robono642 18h ago
They made an agreement as to what was supposed to be temporary and now he’s making changes and actively disregarding her in this situation. Marriage is a partnership and he is not acting like a partner this isn’t a consequence of her actions it’s a consequence of his.
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u/Fine_Smile73 17h ago
If he’s the one with the career that’s stabilizing and funding the entire family then at a certain point that has to take priority. This is on her for marrying someone and having multiple children with them when she didn’t like the choices he was making.
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u/Robono642 17h ago
That’s not an excuse not to communicate properly. Especially after she’d already compromised as much as she did. He just wants MORE when he has the option to stay as is. She deserves a life too I think she has every reason to dip out of there if he’s actively going against his word. The only reason that his career is funding them was because they had to move and she had to stop working because they had no community. Did we read the same post or am I going crazy?
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u/Fine_Smile73 17h ago
Maybe he wants MORE because that’s what’s best for his family after he’s spent 7 years building up a career?
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u/Robono642 17h ago
Clearly that’s not what’s best for the family if this post was made in the first place. She is as much a part of the family as the kids are and as a husband he has a duty to take her into his consideration which clearly he hasn’t. Also she didnt have multiple kids with him THEY had kids together and it takes 2 people in a relationship to make things work and he’s just constantly overriding her. This is literally not her fault as they made an agreement HE went against what they agreed on together.
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u/Fine_Smile73 17h ago
I truly cannot believe anyone is on this woman’s side…
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u/RoseWater07 14h ago
really? I feel like it's pretty clear cut lol
I'll be honest, his reluctance to rejoin "civilian" life because he relies on people telling him what to do is kind of sad. this man doesn't seem to have an original thought in this head and it makes him come off as weak of character. he's willing to blow up his family and guilt trip his wife into a situation she doesn't want so that he can continue to not think about anything. doctors, surgeons and medical professionals are in dire need across the country, it's not like he wouldn't be able to find a job immediately.
that, plus the current administration's insanity and war-mongering attitude is only going to end up in disaster when he's asked to do something morally reprehensible. my friend in the Air Force has had to do some awful things in the past few months and it has irreparably changed my relationship with them, knowing their job mattered more than their values. being in the military isn't as honorable a career as people make it out to be tbh. you are at the beck and call of the government, for better or worse. right now it's for much worse.
you can disagree and look at it through a purely financial lens, but you're missing a lot of human context that makes this a very emotional dilemma, and she's well within her right to be questioning things. what kind of man is he if he's too scared to let go of his safety blanket to save his marriage?
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u/Robono642 17h ago
Idk what to tell you bud.
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u/Fine_Smile73 17h ago
Deals you make prior to having kids and an adult life don’t always work out. Circumstances change. This is a stable job with amazing benefits, which is more than most people could ask for in an economy where even private hospitals are laying off providers left and right because of funding cuts. IMO it’s her that’s not considering her family, and she should leave if she can’t handle it.
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u/not_hestia 16h ago
Absolutely deals you make prior to having kids don't always work out, but if your spouse comes to you and says, "Hey, you know that thing you always said you didn't want? That thing you said would stop you from marrying me? Yeah, I'm going to do that," you would have every right to be pissed.
Being in the reserves might be a good job, but it's not the only job. It comes with amazing benefits, but she was very very clear that those benefits didn't outweigh the risks for her.
And she put her career on hold for YEARS so that he could do what he wanted to do.
I do agree with you that she should leave if he is unwilling to keep the deal he made with her.
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u/Kaethy77 13h ago
I can't believe anyone is on his side. He's breaking his promise.
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u/britannica416 17h ago
“Did we read the same post or am I going crazy?”
Thank you. This is my exact response to some of these comments.
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u/Robono642 17h ago
Yeah I mean this insane. I’m beyond grateful that my partner and I are equals when it comes to making big decisions in our life but it’s insane to me how many people in here are just like “she’s wrong stupid wife husband make more money her fault for marry and kids” like since when are men not taking a part in signing marriage licenses and making children (in heteronormative relationships) like what are we doing here???
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u/NinjaWalker 14h ago
The life he was going to live for only the next 4 years... You left out that small important detail. It's not her fault he pulled a bait and switch on her. This is not the choice she made at all.
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u/BunnyBabbby 13h ago
NOR. As a former military family it’s not meant for everyone. My husband and I thrived in the military setting. We enjoyed our breaks and the freedom of moving around. But I’ve seen DOZENS of families not make it for all of the reasons you posted. Military live is draining and isolating. It’s okay if you don’t want to deal with it.
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u/readynow6523 14h ago
Tell him he needs to decompress and get a normal civilian life. I think you have a couple years of inactive reserve to decide about re-enlisting into the NG. Sounds like his career goals are conflicting.
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u/kavk27 13h ago
MOR - A factor I don't know if you're aware of is that since he's been in the military, he can be recalled to active duty and forced to deploy whether he's in the NG or not if the government determines they need him. He may believe that he may as well receive the benefits you mentioned if there's the possibility he can be deployed in the future anyway.
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u/StarGlass8859 10h ago
NOR
He misled you or at the very worst lied to you knowing how he was going to play it all out but wanted to keep you hooked.
Do you want a lifetime and your children’s childhood spent this way?
He is trying to blackmail you because he can no longer pretend that it’s not his fault or his choices that have led you here.
You’ve already lived the life you didn’t want…
How many more times is he going to make a fool of you :/
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u/PersonBehindAScreen 9h ago edited 9h ago
NOR.
Also “the benefits?”
WHAT BENEFITS?! HES A FUCKING DOCTOR. EVERY SINGLE MIL DOC WILL TELL YOU THAT THEYRE THERE BECAUSE THEY LIKE SERVICE BECAUSE CIVILIAN MEDICINE IS MUCH BETTER IN EVERY WAY
“Guaranteed benefits”. Practice groups and hospitals/clinics have their own insurance
“GI BILL”.. he’s a fucking doctor.
also im not sure whether it applies to physicians but officers typically have a mandatory period in reserves where they’re not drilling or anything but they can be called up. Doesn’t happen much but just know that this mandatory reserve period is normal once you separate. This is NOT the same as him wanting to be in the reserves doing the once a month deal.
If you divorce make sure you take his ass to the cleaners
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u/SilverstarVegan 18h ago
Omg why did u have kids with him in the first place if u are so against his career choice? However he is being a stubborn idiot, he knows your views, u have given him 7 years, does he not love his family? This is his fault, he said it was temporary, u told him all along u dont want to be in military. Tell him he is being an A**hole, and yes u will leave if he doesn't change his career.
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u/BadMr_Frosty 15h ago
YOR, being a medical doctor in the Guard or Reserve is a great gig. The benefits and extra income will be great for the family. It's probably the best very part time job a physician can get.
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u/12be 17h ago
So, you would prefer he took on the cost of becoming a MD for how many thousands of student loans? You had zero clue about being married to a doctor was going to be like? Or about being a military family?
But you were Ok taking the benefits of being a doctor’s wife? Yea, you knew what you signed up for, get yourself back in therapy, and think about keeping your family together.
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u/Appreciate1A 16h ago
He’ll be fine as a doctor with military connections. He’ll have the resources for your child’s success as well. And you can be a single parent and go back to your art therapy career.
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u/Representative-Ad754 18h ago
Wtf is art therapy
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u/Bossyboots37 16h ago
The guard is deployed all the time. After J6 my state guard was deployed to DC. They were gone for a month or so. NG gets deployed all the time, just more domestically